Assertiveness

What Is Assertiveness?

Assertiveness is the ability to express your needs, wants, feelings, and boundaries clearly and directly while respecting both yourself and others. It’s the middle ground between passivity (suppressing yourself) and aggression (attacking others).

Assertive communication:

• States what you need or feel
• Sets boundaries clearly
• Respects both parties
• Is direct but not attacking
• Owns your position without forcing others

The Communication Spectrum

Passive Communication

Suppressing yourself:

• Not expressing needs
• Avoiding conflict at any cost
• Letting others decide
• Saying yes when you mean no
• Apologizing for existing
• Feeling invisible or walked over

Aggressive Communication

Attacking others:

• Demanding, not requesting
• Blaming and accusing
• Disregarding others’ feelings
• Trying to dominate
• Using intimidation
• Creating hostility

Assertive Communication

The balanced middle:

• Expressing needs clearly
• Stating boundaries directly
• Respecting yourself and others
• Being firm but not attacking
• Inviting dialogue
• Standing your ground

Why Assertiveness Is Hard After Abuse

You Were Punished

In abusive relationships:

• Speaking up triggered attacks
• Boundaries caused explosions
• Needs were mocked or dismissed
• Your voice was dangerous
• Survival meant silence

You Were Trained

Through repeated experience:

• Assertiveness = pain
• Silence = relative safety
• Needs = selfish
• Boundaries = abandonment
• Your conditioning runs deep

It Feels Dangerous

Even when safe:

• Your body remembers punishment
• Assertiveness triggers anxiety
• You expect negative reactions
• Old survival patterns activate
• Fear overrides knowledge

Confusion About What’s Okay

After manipulation:

• You may not know what reasonable assertiveness looks like
• You may confuse assertiveness with aggression
• You may think any self-expression is too much
• Your calibration is off

What Assertiveness Sounds Like

Expressing Needs

• “I need some time alone tonight.”
• “I’d like us to discuss this when we’re both calm.”
• “I need you to listen without interrupting.”

Setting Boundaries

• “I’m not comfortable with that.”
• “That doesn’t work for me.”
• “I’m going to leave if you continue yelling.”

Saying No

• “No, I can’t do that.”
• “I’m not available for that.”
• “That’s not something I’m willing to do.”

Expressing Feelings

• “I feel hurt when you dismiss my concerns.”
• “I’m frustrated that this keeps happening.”
• “I felt disrespected by that comment.”

Using “I” Statements

• “I need…” instead of “You should…”
• “I feel…” instead of “You make me feel…”
• “I want…” instead of “Why don’t you ever…”

Building Assertiveness

Start Small

• Practice in low-stakes situations
• Send food back at a restaurant
• Decline a small request
• Express a preference
• Build confidence gradually

Know Your Rights

You have the right to:

• Have needs and express them
• Say no
• Set boundaries
• Be treated with respect
• Change your mind
• Prioritize yourself sometimes

Practice the Words

Rehearse assertive phrases:

• “No.”
• “I need…”
• “I’m not comfortable with…”
• “That doesn’t work for me.”
• “I’m going to…”

Accept Discomfort

Initially:

• Assertiveness will feel wrong
• You’ll want to retreat
• Anxiety is normal
• Do it anyway
• Discomfort decreases with practice

Get Support

• Practice with safe people
• Get feedback
• Have allies who encourage you
• Therapy can help build these skills
• Support groups provide practice opportunities

Handling Responses to Assertiveness

Healthy Responses

Reasonable people respond to assertiveness with:

• “Okay, I understand.”
• “Let’s find a compromise.”
• “I didn’t realize—thanks for telling me.”
• Respect for your boundary

Unhealthy Responses

Problematic people may respond with:

• Anger or punishment
• Dismissal or mockery
• Guilt-tripping
• Trying to change your mind through pressure
• Escalation

What Unhealthy Responses Tell You

When someone reacts badly to reasonable assertiveness:

• This is information about them
• Not evidence that assertiveness is wrong
• They may not be safe for you
• Your boundary is especially needed

You’re Not Responsible for Reactions

• You can only control your communication
• Their response is their choice
• Unreasonable reactions aren’t your fault
• You’re not obligated to shrink to avoid their discomfort

Common Challenges

”What if they get mad?”

• Healthy people don’t punish reasonable assertiveness
• If they get mad, that’s data
• Their anger doesn’t make you wrong
• You can handle their emotions; you don’t have to prevent them

”What if I seem aggressive?”

• True assertiveness isn’t aggression
• Check your tone and words
• If you’re attacking, adjust
• If you’re just being clear, you’re not aggressive

”What if I’m wrong about what I need?”

• You’re allowed to have needs even if imperfect
• You can adjust if new information comes
• Having needs isn’t a crime requiring certainty
• Start somewhere

”It feels selfish”

• Assertiveness isn’t selfishness
• Having needs is human
• You matter too
• Self-neglect isn’t virtue

For Survivors

If assertiveness feels impossible:

• Your voice was suppressed for survival—now you can reclaim it
• The danger that made silence necessary may be gone
• Learning to speak is part of healing
• Start small; build gradually
• Expect discomfort—do it anyway
• You have the right to be heard

You were taught that your needs were too much, your boundaries were offensive, your voice was dangerous. That was abuse, not truth. You have every right to express yourself, to have needs, to set limits.

Assertiveness isn’t attacking them. It’s being yourself. It’s taking up the space you’re entitled to. It’s ending the silence that protected your abuser, not you.

Your voice is still there. It’s been waiting. Time to use it.