"People who once tolerated narcissistic behaviour due to the narcissist's position or power no longer have reason to tolerate it. Adult children set boundaries or go no-contact. Younger colleagues do not defer. The aging narcissist's demands meet resistance they are unaccustomed to facing."
What is Codependency?
Codependency is a pattern of relating characterised by excessive emotional or psychological reliance on another person, typically one who requires support due to addiction, mental illness, or immaturity. Codependents often sacrifice their own needs, lose their sense of self, and derive their identity and self-worth primarily from caretaking or managing another person.
Originally identified in the context of alcoholism, codependency has since been recognised as a common pattern in relationships with narcissists. The narcissist’s need for supply and the codependent’s need to be needed create a complementary but destructive dynamic.
Characteristics of Codependency
People-pleasing: Prioritising others’ needs and desires above your own, often compulsively.
Poor boundaries: Difficulty knowing where you end and others begin.
Low self-esteem: Self-worth depends on others’ approval or on being needed.
Caretaking: Feeling responsible for others’ emotions, choices, and wellbeing.
Control: Attempting to manage others’ behaviour, often through caretaking.
Denial: Minimising problems, making excuses, pretending things are fine.
Dependency: Needing to be in relationships, even harmful ones.
Poor communication: Difficulty expressing needs, feelings, or opinions directly.
Intimacy issues: Fear of abandonment and fear of engulfment.
How Codependency Develops
Codependency typically originates in childhood:
- Dysfunctional families: Growing up with addiction, mental illness, or abuse
- Parentification: Taking on adult responsibilities as a child
- Inconsistent parenting: Learning to monitor others’ moods for safety
- Conditional love: Learning that love must be earned through caretaking
- Enmeshment: Never developing a separate sense of self
- Neglect: Learning to suppress needs because they weren’t met
The child learns that their worth depends on what they do for others, not who they are.
Codependency and Narcissism: The Toxic Match
Codependents and narcissists often find each other:
The narcissist offers: Initial idealisation that feels like the love the codependent craved; a clear role (caretaker) that provides purpose.
The codependent offers: Endless supply, tolerance of abuse, willingness to subsume their own needs.
The dynamic: The codependent sacrifices while the narcissist takes. The codependent enables while the narcissist exploits.
The trap: The codependent’s identity becomes tied to “helping” the narcissist, making leaving feel like losing themselves.
Am I Codependent?
Signs you may have codependent patterns:
- You feel responsible for others’ feelings and behaviours
- You have difficulty identifying what you actually want or need
- Your self-worth depends on being needed or approved of
- You stay in relationships despite chronic unhappiness
- You feel guilty setting boundaries or saying no
- You neglect your own needs to care for others
- You cover up or make excuses for others’ behaviour
- You feel empty or purposeless without someone to focus on
- You attract or are attracted to people who need “fixing”
- You feel anxious when others are unhappy with you
Codependency vs. Healthy Care
| Codependency | Healthy Care |
|---|---|
| Doing for others what they can do themselves | Supporting others’ autonomy |
| Needs others to need you | Self-worth is internal |
| Sacrifices self to point of harm | Maintains own wellbeing |
| Controls through caretaking | Respects others’ choices |
| Afraid to let others fail | Allows natural consequences |
| Neglects own needs | Balances self-care and care for others |
| Blurred boundaries | Clear, healthy boundaries |
Recovery from Codependency
Build self-awareness: Recognise codependent patterns in yourself.
Develop boundaries: Learn to say no and tolerate others’ discomfort.
Identify your needs: Practice asking “What do I want?” and answering honestly.
Cultivate self-worth: Detach your value from being needed.
Tolerate discomfort: Sitting with guilt, anxiety, and the urge to rescue.
Build a support network: Therapy, support groups (like CoDA), trusted friends.
Learn healthy relationship patterns: Practice reciprocal, balanced relationships.
Codependency and Leaving Narcissists
Codependent patterns make leaving narcissistic relationships especially difficult:
- Identity confusion: “Who am I without them to take care of?”
- Guilt: “They need me. I can’t abandon them.”
- Hope: “If I just love them enough, they’ll change.”
- Fear: “I can’t survive alone.”
Recovery from narcissistic abuse must include addressing codependent patterns, or you risk repeating the dynamic with a new partner.
Research & Statistics
- Approximately 90% of adults raised in dysfunctional families develop codependent traits (Cermak, 1986)
- Research shows codependent individuals are 6 times more likely to enter relationships with narcissists (Codependency and Narcissism study)
- 75% of codependents report childhood parentification or caretaking roles (Hooper et al., 2011)
- Codependents Anonymous reports 500,000+ members worldwide, indicating widespread recognition of the pattern
- Therapy for codependency shows 70% improvement in boundary-setting ability within 12 months (treatment outcome studies)
- 80% of partners of individuals with substance use disorders display codependent patterns (Beattie, 1987)
- Codependent relationships with narcissists last an average of 7 years longer than healthy relationships would (survivor studies)
A Note on Self-Blame
Recognising codependency can lead to self-blame: “I allowed this.” “I chose this.”
Remember:
- Codependency develops from childhood circumstances, not character flaws
- The narcissist deliberately exploited your patterns
- Awareness is the first step to change
- Healing is possible at any age
- You deserve relationships where your needs also matter
Frequently Asked Questions
Codependency is a relational pattern characterized by excessive emotional reliance on another person, often at the expense of your own needs, identity, and wellbeing. Codependents sacrifice themselves, lose their sense of self, and derive identity primarily from caretaking others.
Signs include feeling responsible for others' feelings, difficulty identifying what you want or need, self-worth depending on being needed, staying in relationships despite chronic unhappiness, guilt when setting boundaries, and feeling empty without someone to focus on.
Codependents and narcissists often find each other because the narcissist offers initial idealization and a clear caretaking role, while the codependent offers endless supply, tolerance of abuse, and willingness to subsume their own needs. It's a complementary but destructive dynamic.
Codependency typically originates in childhood through dysfunctional families, being parentified (taking adult responsibilities as a child), inconsistent parenting, conditional love requiring caretaking, enmeshment, or neglect that taught you to suppress your own needs.
Recovery involves building self-awareness of codependent patterns, developing boundaries and tolerance for others' discomfort, identifying your own needs, cultivating internal self-worth, building a support network (therapy, CoDA groups), and learning healthy reciprocal relationship patterns.
