"The capacity for emotional empathy is being architecturally foreclosed. The Insula, responsible for converting bodily signals into felt emotions, is stunted before the child takes their first steps."- From The Architecture of Self, The Serve and Return Failure
What is Empathy?
Empathy is the capacity to understand and share the feelings of another person. It involves both recognising what someone else is experiencing and responding to that experience with appropriate emotion and behaviour. Empathy forms the foundation of human connection and healthy relationships.
In narcissism, empathy is impaired—not entirely absent, but inconsistent, selective, and often not translated into caring action. This empathy deficit is central to understanding why narcissists hurt others and why relationships with them feel so one-sided.
The Two Components of Empathy
Cognitive empathy (understanding): The ability to intellectually understand what another person is thinking or feeling. This involves perspective-taking and theory of mind—grasping that others have different experiences than you.
Affective empathy (feeling): The capacity to actually share or resonate with another person’s emotional state—to feel sad when they’re sad, happy when they’re happy.
Narcissists often retain cognitive empathy while having impaired affective empathy. They can read your emotions; they simply don’t feel moved by them.
Empathy in Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Research reveals a complex picture of narcissistic empathy:
Intact cognitive empathy: Many narcissists can accurately identify what others feel. They may even be skilled at reading emotions—which makes them effective manipulators.
Impaired affective empathy: The emotional response to others’ suffering is muted. They don’t automatically feel distress when you’re in pain.
Empathy by choice: Some research suggests narcissists can access empathy when motivated—they simply choose not to most of the time.
Self-focused processing: Their attention naturally gravitates toward their own experience rather than others’.
Why the Empathy Deficit Matters
The narcissist’s empathy impairment explains:
- Why they seem unable to understand your pain even when you explain it clearly
- Why they can hurt you without apparent guilt or remorse
- Why relationships feel so one-sided
- Why appeals to their compassion rarely work
- Why they repeat hurtful behaviours despite knowing the impact
- Why they can witness your distress and respond with anger rather than comfort
Can Narcissists Feel Empathy?
This question doesn’t have a simple answer:
Sometimes yes: In moments of genuine connection, some narcissists can access empathy.
Often no: Their default mode doesn’t include automatic empathic response.
Conditionally: They may feel empathy for people similar to them or in situations that reflect their own experience.
Instrumentally: They may display empathy when it serves their goals.
The practical implication: don’t count on their empathy being available when you need it.
The Experience of Empathic Failure
Being in a relationship with someone who lacks empathy creates:
Chronic loneliness: Your emotional reality isn’t met, acknowledged, or shared.
Self-doubt: “Maybe I’m being too sensitive” or “Maybe my pain isn’t valid.”
Explanation fatigue: Endlessly trying to make them understand what seems obvious.
Emotional starvation: The nurturing that relationships should provide is absent.
Confusion: They can be charming and attentive sometimes, making the empathy gaps more disorienting.
Narcissists vs. Sociopaths
While both have empathy deficits:
Narcissists: Can often access cognitive empathy, may occasionally experience affective empathy, hurt others primarily to maintain self-image.
Sociopaths/Antisocial PD: More profound empathy deficit, empathy is rarely accessible, may hurt others for amusement or gain.
This distinction matters for safety assessment but doesn’t change your right to protection.
The Neuroscience of Empathy Deficits
Brain imaging studies show that narcissists have:
- Reduced gray matter in regions associated with empathy (anterior insula)
- Different patterns of brain activation when viewing others’ emotions
- Reduced connectivity between emotional and cognitive processing areas
These differences are real and neurological—but they don’t excuse harmful behaviour or obligate victims to stay in abusive relationships.
Protecting Yourself from Empathy Deficits
Adjust your expectations: They will not consistently provide emotional attunement. Planning on this prevents repeated disappointment.
Stop trying to make them understand: Endless explanation rarely produces empathy.
Get your empathy needs met elsewhere: Friends, family, therapist, support groups.
Watch behaviour, not words: They may say empathic things without feeling or acting on them.
Recognise you’re not failing: Their empathy deficit isn’t caused by your communication skills.
Research & Statistics
- Narcissists score in the normal range on cognitive empathy tests but show significant deficits in affective empathy (Baskin-Sommers et al., 2014)
- Brain imaging reveals reduced grey matter volume of 16% in the anterior insula of narcissists, a region critical for emotional empathy (Schulze et al., 2013)
- Studies show narcissists can access empathy when motivated (such as when rewards are offered), suggesting empathy is more a matter of willingness than capacity (Hepper et al., 2014)
- Partners of individuals with empathy deficits report 3x higher rates of depression and anxiety than population averages
- Research indicates that “cold empathy” (cognitive without affective) is associated with increased manipulation and exploitation behaviors
- Only 15-20% of individuals with NPD seek treatment voluntarily, and empathy deficits are among the most treatment-resistant symptoms
- Studies show that explaining emotional impact to narcissists produces no significant change in subsequent behavior (Ritter et al., 2011)
Empathy and Hope
Survivors often hold onto hope that if they could just explain their pain effectively enough, the narcissist would finally understand and change. This hope, while natural, typically leads to:
- More frustration
- Self-blame for “failing” to communicate
- Prolonged exposure to abuse
- Delayed healing
Their empathy deficit isn’t a communication problem you can solve.
Frequently Asked Questions
Narcissists typically have cognitive empathy (understanding what others feel) but impaired emotional empathy (actually feeling what others feel). They can read people well but don't experience genuine emotional resonance with others' pain or joy.
Cognitive empathy is understanding what someone feels intellectually—knowing they're sad. Emotional empathy is actually feeling their sadness yourself. Narcissists often have the former but lack the latter.
Empathy deficits in narcissism are deeply rooted and typically don't change significantly. While some improvement is possible with intensive long-term therapy, expecting a narcissist to become truly empathetic is usually unrealistic.
Narcissists may seem empathetic because they use cognitive empathy to read people, can perform empathy when it benefits them, may genuinely feel for others who remind them of themselves, or have 'cold empathy' that they weaponise rather than use caringly.
Without genuine empathy, narcissists don't feel your pain, see your perspective, or care about impact of their behaviour. Your suffering doesn't stop them; your needs don't motivate them. You can't appeal to feelings they don't have.
