"Reparenting is not a denial of what happened or a pretense that you can undo the past. It is the radical act of providing for yourself, now, what should have been provided then. You cannot change that you were not adequately parented. You can change that you continue to not be adequately parented—by becoming, for yourself, the parent you deserved."
What is Reparenting?
Reparenting is the process of providing yourself, as an adult, with the emotional nurturing, guidance, protection, and unconditional love you didn’t receive as a child. It involves developing an internal “good parent”—a compassionate, wise voice that can meet your needs, comfort your distress, and guide your growth.
Reparenting acknowledges a difficult truth: you cannot change that you were inadequately parented. But you can change that you continue to be inadequately parented. By becoming for yourself the parent you deserved, you build the internal resources that weren’t constructed in childhood.
Why Reparenting is Necessary
What Good-Enough Parenting Provides
Children with good-enough parents develop:
- Self-soothing: The ability to calm their own distress
- Self-worth: Knowing they are valuable and loved
- Emotional regulation: Managing feelings without being overwhelmed
- Secure attachment: Internal sense of safety and connection
- Healthy boundaries: Knowing where they end and others begin
- Self-compassion: Speaking kindly to themselves
- Trust: In themselves and in safe others
What Narcissistic Parenting Leaves
Without adequate parenting, children may lack:
- Internal soothing capacity
- Stable self-worth
- Emotional regulation skills
- Secure internal attachment
- Clear boundaries
- Self-compassion
- Basic trust
The Gap
Reparenting fills this gap—building in adulthood what wasn’t built in childhood. The brain remains plastic; new capacities can develop even now.
The Good Parent Voice
What It Sounds Like
A good inner parent speaks with warmth, encouragement, and wisdom:
- “It’s okay to rest. You’ve been working hard.”
- “You did your best with what you knew then.”
- “I’m proud of you for trying.”
- “Your feelings make sense given what happened.”
- “You’re allowed to make mistakes—that’s how we learn.”
- “I’m here for you no matter what.”
- “You’re worthy of love just as you are.”
- “It’s okay to need help.”
- “You don’t have to be perfect.”
- “I believe in you.”
Replacing the Critical Voice
Many survivors have internalized harsh voices:
- “You’re not good enough”
- “What’s wrong with you?”
- “You should have known better”
- “You’re so stupid”
- “No one will ever love you”
Reparenting involves consciously replacing these with the good parent voice—repeatedly, patiently, until the new voice becomes stronger.
How to Reparent Yourself
Meet Basic Needs
A good parent ensures a child’s basic needs are met:
- Rest: Are you sleeping enough? Resting when tired?
- Nutrition: Are you eating regularly and adequately?
- Comfort: Do you allow yourself physical comfort?
- Safety: Are you protecting yourself from harm?
- Healthcare: Are you attending to your health?
Provide Emotional Care
A good parent attends to emotional needs:
- Validation: Your feelings make sense
- Comfort: Soothing during distress
- Encouragement: Support during challenges
- Celebration: Acknowledging achievements
- Presence: Not abandoning yourself
Create Structure
A good parent provides healthy structure:
- Routine: Consistent patterns that create stability
- Boundaries: Protecting yourself from harm
- Limits: On substances, overwork, toxic people
- Guidance: Making wise choices for your wellbeing
- Consistency: Showing up for yourself reliably
Speak Kindly
A good parent speaks with kindness:
- Talk to yourself as you would to a beloved child
- Catch and correct harsh self-talk
- Offer compassion when you struggle
- Celebrate your efforts, not just outcomes
- Be patient with your process
Make Good Parent Choices
When faced with decisions, ask:
- What would a loving parent want for their child here?
- What would protect and nurture me?
- What would help me grow and thrive?
- What would I choose for someone I love?
Then choose that for yourself.
Reparenting Practices
The Check-In
Regularly ask yourself:
- How am I feeling right now?
- What do I need?
- How can I provide that?
- What would comfort me?
The Good Parent Response
When you’re struggling:
- Notice what’s happening
- Validate the feeling (“Of course you’re upset—this is hard”)
- Offer comfort (“I’m here with you”)
- Meet the need if possible (“Let’s take a break”)
- Provide encouragement (“You can get through this”)
The Daily Care Practice
Each day, ask:
- Have I eaten adequately?
- Have I rested?
- Have I moved my body?
- Have I spoken kindly to myself?
- Have I done something nurturing?
The Evening Review
Before sleep:
- What went well today?
- Where did I struggle?
- Can I offer myself compassion for the hard parts?
- What am I grateful for?
- Tomorrow is a new opportunity
The Self-Compassion Pause
When you make a mistake:
- Stop and notice the self-critical voice
- Take a breath
- Say to yourself: “It’s okay. Everyone makes mistakes. You’re learning. I love you anyway.”
- Decide how to move forward
Challenges in Reparenting
It Feels Awkward
At first, self-compassion may feel:
- Foreign
- Fake
- Uncomfortable
- Embarrassing
- Undeserved
This is normal. Do it anyway. Comfort with it comes with practice.
The Critical Voice Fights Back
Your internalized critic may resist:
- “This is stupid”
- “You don’t deserve this”
- “Self-care is selfish”
- “Nothing will help”
Recognize this as the old programming, not truth. Continue anyway.
You Don’t Know What Good Parenting Looks Like
If you never experienced it, good parenting is hard to imagine:
- Observe healthy families
- Read about healthy parenting
- Work with a therapist
- Use resources on reparenting
- Let kind treatment from safe others be a guide
It Takes Time
Reparenting is slow work:
- Patterns formed over years
- New neural pathways take time
- Progress isn’t linear
- Patience is essential
- This is a practice, not a destination
For Survivors
If you’re beginning reparenting:
- You deserved good parenting as a child
- Not receiving it wasn’t your fault
- It’s not too late to receive it now—from yourself
- You can learn what you weren’t taught
- The loving parent you needed lives within you
The parent you deserved is still possible—as an internal presence, you can become that parent. The needs that went unmet can still be met. The voice that should have comforted you can develop and speak.
You are not too old, too damaged, or too late. Reparenting isn’t about erasing what happened—it’s about no longer being orphaned in the present. You can parent yourself now. You can give yourself what was missing. You can become the home you never had.
Frequently Asked Questions
Reparenting is the process of providing yourself with the emotional nurturing, guidance, protection, and unconditional love you didn't receive as a child. It involves developing an internal 'good parent' who can meet your needs, comfort your distress, and guide your growth.
When parents fail to meet developmental needs—through narcissism, neglect, abuse, or absence—children don't develop essential capacities: self-soothing, self-worth, emotional regulation, and secure internal attachment. Reparenting builds these capacities in adulthood.
Reparenting includes: speaking kindly to yourself, meeting basic needs (rest, nutrition, comfort), setting boundaries that protect you, validating your emotions, providing structure and consistency, celebrating your achievements, comforting yourself during difficulty, and making choices a good parent would make for a child they love.
Yes. While you can't change the past, the brain remains plastic throughout life. Through consistent practice, you can develop new neural pathways—essentially creating the internal resources that weren't built in childhood. It's challenging but absolutely possible.
A good inner parent speaks with warmth and encouragement: 'It's okay to rest,' 'You did your best,' 'I'm proud of you,' 'Your feelings make sense,' 'You're allowed to make mistakes,' 'I'm here for you.' This replaces the critical, harsh, or absent internal voice many survivors have.
Reparenting is an ongoing practice rather than a destination. As you build new patterns, it becomes more natural. Initial phases require conscious effort; eventually, self-compassion and self-care become more automatic. It's a lifetime practice that gets easier with time.
