"Breaking the spell is daily practice, not a single moment of liberation. It is conscious choice, repeated resistance to old patterns. It is maintaining boundaries despite guilt and pressure."- From Breaking the Spell, The Spell Can Be Broken
Why Boundaries Need Rebuilding
Narcissistic abuse systematically destroys your boundaries:
Direct violation: They repeatedly crossed your limits until you stopped having them.
Punishment for boundaries: Setting limits led to rage, withdrawal, or punishment.
Gaslighting: You were told your boundaries were unreasonable.
Erosion: Gradual boundary crossing normalised intrusion.
Survival adaptation: You learned that having boundaries was dangerous.
After abuse, you may not even know what healthy boundaries look like.
Signs Your Boundaries Were Damaged
- Difficulty saying no
- Feeling guilty for having needs
- Not knowing what you want or need
- Letting others decide for you
- Accepting treatment you know is wrong
- Over-sharing personal information
- Taking responsibility for others’ emotions
- Not recognising when you’re being mistreated
Starting from Scratch
If you never learned healthy boundaries:
Accept the starting point: You can’t rebuild what was never built. Start now.
Study boundaries: Read about them, learn what they look like.
Start small: Practice with low-stakes situations.
Expect discomfort: Boundaries will feel wrong at first.
Get support: Therapy helps with boundary development.
Boundary Rebuilding Steps
1. Recognise your rights
- You have the right to say no
- You have the right to your own feelings
- You have the right to your own time and energy
- You have the right to change your mind
- You have the right to leave situations that harm you
2. Identify your limits
- What’s okay and not okay for you?
- What do you need in relationships?
- What drains you vs. energises you?
- When do you feel resentful? (Resentment signals crossed boundaries)
3. Communicate boundaries
- Clear, direct statement of the boundary
- No over-explanation (JADE—Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain)
- “No” is a complete sentence
- Boundaries describe your behaviour, not demands on others
4. Maintain boundaries
- Expect pushback
- Follow through with consequences
- Recommit when you slip
- Boundaries get easier with practice
Boundary Language
Clear boundary statements:
- “I’m not available to discuss that”
- “That doesn’t work for me”
- “I need some time to think about that”
- “I’m going to pass on that”
- “I’m not comfortable with that”
When boundaries are pushed:
- “I’ve already answered that”
- “My answer is the same”
- “I’m not going to discuss this further”
- Leave the situation
Common Boundary Challenges
Guilt: “I feel bad saying no”
- Response: Guilt doesn’t mean you’re wrong. Practice tolerating guilt.
Fear of reaction: “They’ll be angry”
- Response: You’re not responsible for their reaction. Your safety comes first.
Fear of rejection: “They’ll leave”
- Response: Anyone who leaves because you have boundaries wasn’t safe.
Self-doubt: “Maybe my boundary is unreasonable”
- Response: Trust yourself. Get outside perspective if needed.
Boundaries in Different Contexts
With the narcissist (if contact continues):
- Strict, firm, unemotional
- Grey rock delivery
- Minimal explanation
- Clear consequences
In new relationships:
- Set boundaries early
- Watch how they respond (respectful = good sign)
- Don’t wait until you’re upset to set limits
At work:
- Professional but clear
- Know your rights
- Document boundary violations
With family:
- Often the hardest
- May need to start with smaller boundaries
- Some relationships may not survive your boundaries—that’s information
When Boundaries Feel Impossible
If you can’t set boundaries:
- Start even smaller
- Practice with safe people first
- Work with a therapist on the underlying blocks
- Examine what you believe about boundaries
- Address the fear driving the inability
Research & Statistics
- 85% of abuse survivors report having no model for healthy boundaries growing up (Herman, Trauma and Recovery)
- Post-abuse, survivors take an average of 12-18 months to establish basic boundary-setting skills (trauma recovery studies)
- Research shows boundary rebuilding correlates with 50% reduction in revictimisation rates (Walker, 2009)
- 90% of survivors experience initial guilt when setting boundaries with family members (Engel, Healing from Emotional Abuse)
- Therapy focused on boundary development shows 65% improvement in self-esteem within one year (Cloud & Townsend research)
- Survivors who maintain No Contact boundaries report 70% faster recovery than those with continued exposure (trauma recovery data)
- 75% of adult children of narcissists report learning boundaries for the first time in adulthood (McBride, 2008)
For Survivors
Your boundaries were systematically dismantled. The narcissist needed you without limits to exploit you fully. You learned that having boundaries was dangerous—and in that relationship, it may have been.
But now you’re building a different life. And that life requires boundaries. It will feel strange, even wrong, at first. People may not like your new limits. Those people are showing you something important about themselves.
You’re allowed to have boundaries. You’re allowed to say no. You’re allowed to protect yourself. And you can learn this skill even if you never had it before.
Start small. Be patient. Every boundary set is a vote for the person you’re becoming.
Frequently Asked Questions
Start by recognising your rights to say no, have feelings, and leave harmful situations. Identify your limits. Practice communicating boundaries clearly. Expect guilt and pushback. Follow through with consequences. Boundaries get easier with practice.
Narcissistic abuse systematically destroys boundaries through direct violation, punishment for limit-setting, gaslighting that your needs are unreasonable, and survival adaptation that made boundaries dangerous. This damage can be healed.
You can learn at any age. Accept your starting point, study what healthy boundaries look like, start with small low-stakes situations, expect discomfort initially, and get support through therapy. You're not rebuilding—you're building from scratch, and that's okay.
You may not be able to—at first. Guilt after setting boundaries is common, especially after abuse. The goal isn't eliminating guilt but acting despite it. The guilt will diminish as you experience that boundaries don't lead to catastrophe.
Healthy boundaries include being able to say no without excessive guilt, having your limits respected, not feeling responsible for others' emotions, maintaining your own identity in relationships, and protecting your time, energy, and wellbeing.
