"The narcissist's envy is not the ordinary wish to have what others have—it is the intolerable awareness that others have what they believe should be theirs. Your success reminds them that they are not as superior as they need to believe. They cannot celebrate your wins because your wins feel like their losses."
What is Narcissistic Envy?
Envy is one of the nine diagnostic criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder. The DSM-5 criterion states the narcissist “is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her.”
This captures two related but distinct features:
- Being envious: Intense, hostile envy toward those who have what the narcissist wants
- Projecting envy: Believing others are envious of them
Both aspects stem from the narcissist’s need for superiority and their fragile self-worth.
The Two Faces of Narcissistic Envy
Envy of Others
Narcissistic envy isn’t ordinary wanting—it’s painful, hostile, and often destructive.
What triggers it:
- Others’ success and achievements
- Possessions the narcissist desires
- Qualities they wish they had
- Attention given to someone else
- Happiness or contentment they can’t feel
- Anyone who seems “better” in any way
How it differs from normal envy:
- Intensity: overwhelming rather than passing
- Hostility: wanting to destroy rather than just obtain
- Persistence: doesn’t fade with time
- Relationship impact: damages connections
- Behavioral expression: may sabotage, devalue, or attack
Belief Others Are Envious
Narcissists often assume others envy them—even without evidence.
Why this belief persists:
- Confirms superiority (people envy those who are better)
- Explains criticism (“they’re just jealous”)
- Projects their own envy outward
- Maintains grandiose self-image
- Protects against recognizing their own envy
How it manifests:
- “Everyone wants what I have”
- Interpreting disagreement as jealousy
- Assuming competitors are motivated by envy
- Dismissing critics as “haters”
- Believing attention from others equals envy
Why Narcissists Are So Envious
The Superiority Imperative
Narcissists need to feel superior. Others’ success directly challenges this:
- If you succeed, maybe they’re not the best
- Your achievement feels like their failure
- Comparison is constant and threatening
- Someone else’s “win” is their “loss”
Zero-Sum Thinking
The narcissist experiences worth as a finite resource:
- Your gain diminishes them
- There’s not enough success to go around
- They can’t simply be happy for you
- Your happiness costs them something
Fragile Self-Worth
Beneath grandiosity lies fragility:
- Others’ success exposes their inadequacy
- Envy signals what they feel they lack
- The pain is intolerable
- Hostility defends against the pain
Entitlement Violated
Narcissists believe they deserve the best:
- Others having good things feels unjust
- Why should you have what they deserve?
- The world isn’t giving them what’s owed
- Envy mixes with righteous indignation
How Envy Manifests
Minimizing Others’ Achievements
- “That’s not that impressive”
- “Anyone could do that”
- “You just got lucky”
- Changing the subject when you share good news
- Finding flaws in your success
Competitive Responses
- One-upping your achievements
- Turning celebration into competition
- Having to have a bigger/better version
- Can’t let you have the spotlight
- Your news triggers their counter-news
Devaluation
- Suddenly you’re not as good/smart/talented
- Your success makes them see you differently
- What they once admired becomes contemptible
- Sour grapes: attacking what they can’t have
Sabotage
- Subtle undermining of your efforts
- “Forgetting” to pass on opportunities
- Sharing information that hurts your chances
- Creating obstacles
- Taking actions that damage your success
Cold Withdrawal
- Becoming distant after your good news
- Punishing you with silence
- Unable to connect when you’re happy
- Only available when you’re struggling
- Your success creates emotional distance
Making It About Them
- Redirecting your celebration to their issues
- Finding a way your success affects them negatively
- Needing attention even during your moment
- Can’t let you have unshared spotlight
Envy in Relationships
With Partners
The person who should celebrate your success may:
- Seem unhappy when you’re doing well
- Become critical when you achieve
- Minimize your accomplishments
- Create problems when things are going well
- Be most loving when you’re struggling
This creates a confusing dynamic where success threatens the relationship.
With Children
Narcissistic parents may be envious of their children:
- Competing with children for attention
- Undermining children’s achievements
- Taking credit for children’s success
- Becoming hostile as children surpass them
- Unable to support children’s development
With Friends
Friendships with narcissists often have limits:
- Friendship works when you’re “less than”
- Your success changes the dynamic
- They need to be the successful one
- Comparison is constant
- True mutual celebration is rare
With Colleagues
Professional relationships are affected:
- Unable to genuinely support coworkers
- Taking credit, assigning blame
- Undermining competitors
- Seeing others’ success as threat
- Workplace becomes competition
The Pain Beneath Envy
What Envy Reveals
Narcissistic envy signals:
- What they feel they lack
- Where their self-worth is vulnerable
- The inadequacy beneath grandiosity
- The emptiness they can’t fill
- The comparison that haunts them
Why Compassion Is Complicated
Understanding the pain beneath envy can evoke compassion—but:
- Understanding doesn’t excuse harmful behavior
- Their pain doesn’t justify sabotaging you
- You’re not responsible for managing their envy
- Compassion doesn’t mean tolerating mistreatment
Protecting Yourself
Recognize the Pattern
Notice when sharing good news creates:
- Coldness or withdrawal
- Competitive responses
- Minimizing or criticism
- Problems in the relationship
- Punishment disguised as something else
Don’t Dim Your Light
You shouldn’t have to hide your success to protect someone else’s ego. Your achievements are yours to celebrate.
Manage Information Sharing
With known envious people:
- Consider what you share and when
- You don’t owe anyone access to your good news
- Share with people who can genuinely celebrate
- Protect yourself without hiding
Don’t Explain or Justify
When your success is minimized:
- You don’t need to defend your achievement
- Their response reflects them, not your success
- Explaining won’t change their reaction
- Accept their limitations
Build Genuine Support
Seek relationships where:
- Your success is celebrated, not threatening
- Mutuality is present
- Others can be happy for you
- You can be happy for others
- Success isn’t a competition
For Survivors
If you’ve lived with narcissistic envy:
- Your success was real, regardless of their response
- You weren’t “rubbing it in” by sharing good news
- The coldness after your achievements wasn’t your fault
- You deserved celebration, not punishment
- Shrinking didn’t make them love you more
You may have learned to minimize yourself, hide good things, or feel guilty for success. Unlearning this is part of recovery. Your light doesn’t diminish anyone—and those who feel diminished by it were never really for you.
Frequently Asked Questions
Narcissistic envy is a core NPD criterion with two aspects: intense envy of others' achievements, qualities, or possessions, AND the belief that others are envious of them. This envy is not ordinary wanting—it's a painful, often hostile response to others having what the narcissist feels entitled to.
Narcissists need to feel superior. Others' success challenges this superiority and is experienced as a narcissistic injury. Your achievement feels like their failure. Additionally, their fragile self-worth can't tolerate evidence that others may be better, luckier, or more deserving.
Partners may experience: their achievements being minimized or ignored, the narcissist becoming cold or hostile after good news, competition where there should be support, subtle sabotage of success, inability to celebrate together, and the narcissist making your wins about them.
Yes, many do. This belief serves multiple functions: it confirms their superiority (people envy those who are better), explains others' negative reactions (they're just jealous), and protects against recognizing their own envy (I'm not envious—they envy me).
Normal envy is a passing feeling that doesn't damage relationships—you might feel a twinge when a friend succeeds but still celebrate with them. Narcissistic envy is intense, persistent, and often leads to hostility, devaluation, or sabotage of the envied person.
The narcissist's self-worth operates as a zero-sum game—your gain is their loss. They can't separate your success from their standing. Celebrating you would mean accepting that you have something they don't, which is narcissistically intolerable.
