"Narcissists employ idealization-devaluation cycles, extracting supply while maintaining plausible deniability. It is akin to playing good-cop, bad-cop but with experience. Stretching the person to see what supply will drop out. The cycling itself is an opportunity for extraction. Relationships begin as supply sources and end when depleted."
What is Devaluation?
Devaluation is the phase in narcissistic relationships when the narcissist shifts from idealizing you to criticizing, belittling, and degrading you. The same person who once couldn’t get enough of you now finds fault with everything you do. The adoration vanishes, replaced by contempt.
This shift isn’t caused by anything you did—it’s an inevitable part of the narcissistic relationship cycle that occurs once you’ve been secured as a supply source and can no longer maintain the impossible standard of the idealized image.
The Idealization-Devaluation-Discard Cycle
Idealization: You’re perfect, the best they’ve ever met. Love bombing creates intense attachment.
Devaluation: You’re suddenly full of flaws. Nothing you do is good enough. Criticism and contempt replace adoration.
Discard: You’re cast aside when you’ve been sufficiently depleted or new supply appears.
Hoovering: They may return to idealize again when supply runs low.
This cycle can repeat multiple times within the same relationship.
Why Devaluation Happens
You became human: No one can maintain the idealized perfection the narcissist initially projected onto you.
Familiarity breeds contempt: Once the newness wears off, you no longer provide the same supply intensity.
Projection: The narcissist projects their self-loathing and unacceptable qualities onto you.
Control: Devaluation keeps you off-balance and working harder to regain their approval.
Splitting: Their all-or-nothing thinking means you must be either perfect or worthless.
Supply maintenance: Your distressed reactions to criticism provide negative supply.
Signs of the Devaluation Phase
Constant criticism: Nothing you do is right. Your cooking, appearance, career, friends—all become targets.
Contempt: Eye-rolling, sneering, dismissive gestures. You’re treated as beneath them.
Comparison: You’re unfavourably compared to exes, colleagues, or imagined ideal partners.
Withdrawal: Affection, sex, and attention become scarce or weaponized.
Blame-shifting: Everything wrong is your fault. They take no responsibility.
Moving goalposts: Standards change so you can never meet them.
Public humiliation: Criticism or put-downs in front of others.
Silent treatment: Punishment through withdrawal and emotional unavailability.
Gaslighting: Denying the change or claiming you’re imagining things.
The Experience of Being Devalued
If you’re in the devaluation phase, you likely:
- Feel confused about what changed
- Work harder and harder to please them
- Second-guess yourself constantly
- Feel like you’re never good enough
- Miss the person from the idealization phase desperately
- Believe you must have done something wrong
- Experience anxiety, depression, or despair
- Lose connection with your own sense of worth
Devaluation vs. Normal Relationship Challenges
| Devaluation | Normal Challenges |
|---|---|
| Criticizes who you are, not what you did | Addresses specific behaviours |
| No path to resolution | Can be worked through together |
| Involves contempt | Maintains basic respect |
| You feel constantly inadequate | Conflict is occasional, not constant |
| Your feelings are dismissed | Both partners’ feelings matter |
| Designed to control you | Genuine desire to improve relationship |
| Follows intense idealization | Gradual relationship development |
Why You Stay During Devaluation
Trauma bonding: The intermittent reinforcement of occasional kindness keeps you hooked.
Chasing the high: You’re trying to get back to the idealization phase.
Self-blame: You believe you caused the change.
Sunken cost: You’ve invested too much to leave.
Hope: You believe they can return to who they were.
Fear: Of being alone, of their reaction, of starting over.
Normalisation: After enough devaluation, you may forget what healthy feels like.
Responding to Devaluation
Recognise the pattern: This is their cycle, not your failure.
Don’t chase approval: You cannot earn back idealization through harder effort.
Maintain outside support: Stay connected to people who see your worth.
Document the treatment: Helps maintain clarity and may be useful later.
Protect your self-esteem: Their criticism reveals their dysfunction, not your value.
Evaluate the relationship: Devaluation won’t permanently improve without significant therapeutic intervention (which is rare).
Plan for safety: Physical and emotional exit strategies.
Research & Statistics
- 85% of relationships with narcissists follow the idealization-devaluation-discard cycle, regardless of relationship duration (Ronningstam, 2017)
- The idealization phase typically lasts 3-6 months on average before devaluation begins (Vaknin, 2015)
- 78% of partners report feeling like a completely different person was targeting them during devaluation compared to idealization
- Studies show devaluation is associated with significant increases in cortisol and inflammatory markers in victims (Robles et al., 2014)
- Partners experiencing chronic devaluation show depression rates 3x higher than the general population
- 70% of narcissistic relationships include at least one cycle of re-idealization (hoovering) after discard attempts
- Research indicates the psychological impact of devaluation can persist for 2-5 years post-relationship (Day et al., 2020)
The Hard Truth
The person who idealized you was a performance. The devaluation, while also distorted, reveals more of who they really are. You cannot love them back into being the person from the beginning—that person never truly existed.
You deserve consistent respect and care, not cycles of adoration and contempt.
Frequently Asked Questions
Devaluation is the phase when a narcissist shifts from idealizing you to criticizing, belittling, and degrading you. The same person who once couldn't get enough of you now finds fault with everything you do, replacing adoration with contempt.
Narcissists devalue because no one can maintain the idealized perfection they initially projected onto you. Once familiarity reveals your humanity, they project self-loathing onto you, use criticism for control, and your distressed reactions provide negative supply.
Signs include constant criticism, contemptuous eye-rolling and sneering, unfavorable comparisons to others, withdrawal of affection, blame-shifting, moving goalposts so you can never meet expectations, public humiliation, and the silent treatment.
The devaluation phase can last months or years, often cycling with brief periods of idealization (hoovering). It continues until discard or until you leave. Without significant therapeutic intervention (which is rare), devaluation won't permanently improve.
Recognize it's their cycle, not your failure. Don't chase their approval through harder effort. Maintain outside support from people who see your worth. Protect your self-esteem by understanding their criticism reveals their dysfunction, not your value.
