"Splitting is a psychological defence mechanism characterised by an inability to hold contradictory thoughts, feelings, or beliefs. People who split view others in all-or-nothing terms: entirely good or entirely bad."
What is Splitting?
Splitting is a psychological defence mechanism characterised by an inability to hold contradictory thoughts, feelings, or beliefs. People who split view others (and themselves) in all-or-nothing terms: entirely good or entirely bad, perfect or worthless, with no nuanced middle ground.
This defence mechanism is common in both Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder, though it manifests somewhat differently in each. For narcissists, splitting helps protect their fragile self-image by externalising all “bad” qualities onto others.
How Splitting Works
Healthy psychological development involves learning to integrate positive and negative qualities into a coherent whole. We understand that:
- People we love can sometimes disappoint us
- We can make mistakes and still be valuable
- Situations can be mixed—partly good, partly bad
In splitting, this integration fails. Each experience of “bad” completely erases previous “good,” and vice versa. The person cannot hold the complexity of human experience.
The Idealisation-Devaluation Cycle
Splitting often manifests as a cycle:
Idealisation phase: The person is “all good”—perfect, wonderful, the best partner/friend/employee ever. They can do no wrong.
Triggering event: Something happens that challenges the idealised view—a minor disagreement, perceived slight, or failure to meet an expectation.
Devaluation phase: The person is suddenly “all bad”—worthless, evil, deliberately harmful. All previous good is erased.
Re-idealisation (sometimes): The person may return to idealised status, usually when they provide significant supply or the narcissist needs them.
This cycle can happen rapidly, leaving those on the receiving end confused and emotionally destabilised.
Splitting in Narcissistic Relationships
In romantic relationships: The love bombing phase reflects idealisation. Devaluation follows when you inevitably reveal yourself to be human. You may cycle between being “the love of their life” and “the worst person they’ve ever known.”
In families: The golden child/scapegoat dynamic is a form of splitting—one child is all good, the other all bad.
In friendships: Friends are either loyal allies or traitorous enemies, depending on whether they’ve recently pleased or disappointed the narcissist.
At work: Colleagues are either competent supporters or incompetent obstacles, with rapid shifts between categories.
Examples of Splitting
- “You’re the best thing that ever happened to me” becomes “You’re a terrible person” after a minor disagreement
- A former “best friend” becomes a villain after a perceived slight
- An employee goes from “star performer” to “complete failure” over one mistake
- “I love you more than anything” and “I hate you” within the same conversation
- “You’re just like your mother” (used as an insult when devaluing)
Why Narcissists Split
Protection of the false self: The grandiose self-image cannot accommodate complexity or imperfection.
Avoidance of ambivalence: Mixed feelings create psychological discomfort that splitting resolves.
Externalisation of badness: By projecting all negative qualities outward, the narcissist maintains their idealised self-image.
Developmental arrest: Normal childhood splitting should resolve by adulthood; in personality disorders, it persists.
Impact on Victims
Being split upon is deeply destabilising:
Confusion: One moment you’re perfect, the next you’re worthless. What changed?
Walking on eggshells: You never know which version of the relationship you’ll encounter.
Self-doubt: You begin questioning your own qualities. “Am I really that bad?”
Trauma bonding: The highs of idealisation followed by the lows of devaluation create addictive intermittent reinforcement.
Shame: Absorbing the projected “badness” leads to chronic shame.
Loss of identity: Being told you’re fundamentally different people at different times erodes self-concept.
Responding to Splitting
Recognise the pattern: Once you see it, the whiplash becomes more predictable.
Don’t personalise: Their perception says more about their psychology than your worth.
Maintain your narrative: You know who you are. Their version is distorted.
Don’t try to fix it: You cannot love or reason them into integrated thinking.
Protect yourself: Especially during devaluation phases when they may lash out.
Consider the relationship: Chronic splitting creates an unstable foundation incompatible with healthy partnership.
Splitting vs. Normal Anger
Everyone occasionally gets frustrated and says things they regret. The difference:
| Normal Anger | Splitting |
|---|---|
| Temporary reaction to specific event | Complete shift in perception of the person |
| Maintains overall positive view | Erases all previous positive experiences |
| Leads to repair and reconnection | May not resolve; may switch to idealisation without repair |
| Proportionate to the situation | Disproportionate—total condemnation for minor issues |
| Allows for apology and growth | Requires complete submission or renewed supply |
Research & Statistics
- Research indicates splitting is present in over 90% of individuals diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and 75-80% of those with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (Kernberg, 2004)
- Studies show partners of individuals who split experience anxiety levels 2.3 times higher than control groups due to relationship instability (Paris, 2008)
- Splitting develops as a defence mechanism in early childhood (ages 2-4) and should normally integrate by age 5-7; failure to integrate indicates developmental disruption (Mahler, 1975)
- Research finds Dialectical Behaviour Therapy reduces splitting behaviours by 40-50% over 12 months of treatment (Linehan, 2015)
- Studies indicate the idealisation-devaluation cycle averages 3-6 months per phase in romantic relationships with individuals who split (Ronningstam, 2005)
- Object constancy deficits underlying splitting are found in 95% of personality disorder cases involving relationship instability (Clarkin, 2006)
- Research shows children raised by parents who split show 60% higher rates of developing similar patterns themselves without intervention (Fonagy, 2002)
Can Splitting Be Treated?
In therapy, particularly approaches like:
- Transference-focused psychotherapy
- Dialectical Behaviour Therapy
- Mentalization-based treatment
…some individuals can develop greater capacity for integrated thinking. However, this requires long-term commitment to therapeutic work that most narcissists are unwilling to undertake.
Frequently Asked Questions
Splitting is a defence mechanism where people or situations are seen as entirely good or entirely bad with no middle ground. It involves an inability to hold contradictory thoughts or feelings, leading to all-or-nothing thinking about oneself and others.
Splitting protects the narcissist's fragile self-image by externalising all negative qualities onto others. It avoids the psychological discomfort of mixed feelings and maintains their black-and-white worldview where they remain 'all good.'
This cycle begins with idealisation where someone is seen as perfect, followed by a triggering event that flips perception to devaluation where they become 'all bad.' The person may later return to idealised status when they provide supply, creating confusing emotional whiplash.
Partners experience emotional whiplash, going from 'the love of their life' to 'the worst person' over minor issues. This creates confusion, self-doubt, and chronic instability as the narcissist's perception shifts based on momentary satisfaction rather than relationship history.
With long-term therapy like transference-focused psychotherapy, dialectical behaviour therapy, or mentalization-based treatment, some individuals can develop greater capacity for integrated thinking. However, this requires years of commitment most narcissists won't undertake.
