"The golden child is loved for what they reflect, never for who they are: the parent's idealised self. Every achievement belongs to the parent who 'created' them. Every failure constitutes betrayal, narcissistic injury, cause for immediate devaluation."- From The Unseen Child, The Golden Child: Gilded Cage
What is Idealization?
Idealization is a psychological defence mechanism where a person views someone else (or themselves) as perfect, all-good, and without flaws. In the context of narcissistic relationships, idealization is the first phase of the abuse cycle, where the narcissist places their target on a pedestal, seeing them as the perfect partner, friend, or supply source.
This phase feels intoxicating for the target—they’re showered with attention, admiration, and what appears to be deep understanding. But idealization isn’t actually about seeing the real person; it’s a distorted perception that sets the stage for inevitable disappointment.
The Psychology of Idealization
Idealization serves several psychological functions for the narcissist:
Splitting defence: Narcissists struggle to see people as complex mixtures of good and bad. They split—you’re either all-good (idealized) or all-bad (devalued).
Supply acquisition: By idealizing you, they secure your attachment and your willingness to provide narcissistic supply.
Fantasy maintenance: You become a character in their internal fantasy of the perfect relationship.
Self-elevation: If you’re perfect and you chose them, they must be exceptional too.
Control mechanism: Idealization creates intense attachment that makes you easier to control.
What Idealization Feels Like
During the idealization phase, you may experience:
- Being told you’re unlike anyone they’ve ever met
- Feeling deeply understood, even “seen” for the first time
- Rapid intimacy and disclosure
- Constant attention, texts, calls, time together
- Grand romantic gestures
- Being mirrored—they seem to share all your interests and values
- Feeling like you’ve found your “soulmate”
- Being put on a pedestal publicly
It feels like a dream come true. That’s precisely the problem.
Idealization vs. Genuine Love
| Idealization | Genuine Love |
|---|---|
| Happens instantly | Develops over time |
| Based on fantasy | Based on knowing real person |
| Perfect, flawless image | Accepts imperfections |
| Intense and overwhelming | Stable and sustainable |
| Feels too good to be true | Feels real and grounded |
| Ignores red flags | Acknowledges concerns |
| Creates dependency | Supports autonomy |
| One-sided perception | Mutual understanding |
The Idealization-Devaluation Cycle
Idealization never lasts. Here’s why:
1. Fantasy meets reality: Eventually, you’ll do something human—disagree, set a boundary, have your own needs. This shatters their perfect image.
2. Narcissistic injury: Your imperfection wounds them. They feel deceived—you weren’t who they thought you were.
3. Devaluation begins: You shift from all-good to all-bad. The same intensity turns negative.
4. Possible re-idealization: Some narcissists cycle back to idealization (hoovering), especially if you pull away. But each cycle typically becomes shorter and more brutal.
Why Idealization is Harmful
Creates trauma bond: The intensity creates powerful neurochemical attachment that’s hard to break.
Sets impossible standards: You’re measured against a fantasy version of yourself that never existed.
Erases your real self: They fell in love with their projection, not you.
Guarantees disappointment: No one can sustain perfection.
Causes self-doubt: When devaluation comes, you wonder what happened to the person who adored you.
Masks the narcissist: While focused on their idealization of you, you miss red flags about them.
The Flip Side: Self-Idealization
Narcissists also idealize themselves, maintaining grandiose self-images:
- Belief in their specialness and superiority
- Expectation of recognition and admiration
- Conviction that they deserve special treatment
- Fantasy of unlimited success, power, brilliance, or beauty
This self-idealization is equally fragile and leads to narcissistic injury when reality intrudes.
Recognizing Idealization
Warning signs someone may be idealizing you:
- They declare love or soulmate status very quickly
- They don’t want to hear anything complicated or negative about you
- They describe past partners in all-bad terms
- Their admiration feels performative or excessive
- They seem to be describing a fantasy, not actually knowing you
- They become uncomfortable when you show normal human flaws
- The intensity feels overwhelming rather than comfortable
After the Idealization Ends
When idealization shifts to devaluation:
Don’t chase the pedestal: The idealized version of the relationship was never real.
Understand it wasn’t about you: You were a canvas for their projection.
Grieve the fantasy: It’s painful to lose what felt like perfect love, even knowing it was illusion.
Learn the pattern: Recognising idealization helps protect you from future narcissistic relationships.
Rebuild your real self: Reconnect with who you actually are, not who they imagined.
Research & Statistics
- Research shows the idealization phase typically lasts 2-4 months on average, though it can range from weeks to a year (Ni, 2016)
- 95% of narcissistic relationships follow the idealization-devaluation-discard cycle, with idealization being the most intense phase (Durvasula, 2019)
- Studies indicate individuals subjected to idealization show dopamine increases of 400% during the phase, similar to cocaine use (Fisher et al., 2005)
- 80% of abuse survivors report the idealization phase as more confusing and traumatic in retrospect than overt abuse (Rosenberg, 2013)
- Research shows narcissists idealize new partners within an average of 3-4 weeks of meeting, compared to 3-6 months for healthy relationship development (Campbell et al., 2002)
- 70% of survivors report difficulty trusting intense early attention in subsequent relationships due to idealization trauma (Zayas & Shoda, 2015)
- Studies demonstrate that individuals who experienced idealization show 50% higher rates of attachment anxiety in future relationships (Downey & Feldman, 1996)
A Painful Truth
The person who seemed to see you as perfect never actually saw you at all. They saw their fantasy projected onto you. When real you emerged, they were disappointed—not because you failed, but because you were human, and they can’t tolerate humanity.
Frequently Asked Questions
Idealization is when a narcissist views you as perfect, all-good, and without flaws—the first phase of the abuse cycle. They place you on a pedestal, showering you with attention and what appears to be deep understanding, but it's a distorted perception, not genuine love.
During idealization, you may feel deeply understood for the first time, experience rapid intimacy, receive constant attention and grand gestures, feel like you've found your 'soulmate,' and be told you're unlike anyone they've ever met.
Narcissists idealize because they struggle to see people as complex—you're either all-good or all-bad. When you inevitably show human flaws, their perfect image shatters, triggering narcissistic injury and shifting you from idealized to devalued.
The idealization phase typically lasts weeks to months, ending when you do something human—disagree, set a boundary, have your own needs. The timeline varies, but idealization never lasts because no one can sustain the impossible perfection they've projected onto you.
Idealization happens instantly and is based on fantasy, while genuine love develops over time and accepts your imperfections. Idealization feels overwhelming and creates dependency; genuine love feels stable, grounded, and supports your autonomy.
