"Winnicott's concept of the 'good enough mother' contains a profound truth: children do not need perfection. They need reliability, attunement, and repair. The good enough parent fails—but they fail in ways the child can manage, and they return to connection. This is how resilience is built, how the child learns the world is imperfect but survivable."
What is the “Good Enough” Parent?
The concept of the “good enough mother” (later expanded to “good enough parent”) was developed by British pediatrician and psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott in the mid-20th century. It describes parenting that is adequately responsive to a child’s needs without being perfect—and argues that this imperfection is actually beneficial for healthy development.
The term challenges the myth of perfect parenting by recognizing that what children need is consistency and repair, not perfection.
Winnicott’s Original Concept
Maternal Preoccupation
Winnicott observed that new mothers typically enter a state of “primary maternal preoccupation”—intense focus on the infant’s needs that allows near-perfect attunement. This is normal and appropriate for newborns.
Gradual “Failure”
As the infant develops, the good enough mother naturally becomes less perfectly attuned. She responds a bit more slowly, doesn’t anticipate every need, allows some frustration. These “failures” are manageable for the developing child and serve important functions.
The Value of Frustration
Manageable frustration teaches the child:
- The world isn’t perfect, but I can cope
- I can tolerate waiting
- I can begin to meet some of my own needs
- Ruptures can be repaired
- Independence is possible
What Good Enough Looks Like
Consistency
The good enough parent is reliably there—not perfectly, but predictably. The child can count on them most of the time.
Attunement
The good enough parent sees the child, responds to their actual needs and experiences, and adjusts their response to what the child actually needs (not what the parent imagines or wants them to need).
Repair
When ruptures happen—and they inevitably do—the good enough parent recognizes them and works to repair the connection. The child learns that conflict doesn’t mean abandonment.
Gradual Independence
The good enough parent allows age-appropriate struggles. They don’t rescue from every frustration or anticipate every need as the child grows. They let the child develop capability.
Seeing the Child
The good enough parent sees the child as a separate person with their own mind, feelings, and needs—not as an extension of themselves or a source of validation.
Good Enough vs. Problematic Parenting
Good Enough Parent
- Responsive most of the time
- Failures are occasional and manageable
- Ruptures are recognized and repaired
- Child is seen as separate individual
- Love is unconditional
- Intent is to meet child’s needs
Neglectful Parent
- Chronically unresponsive
- Failures are constant and overwhelming
- Ruptures go unacknowledged
- Child’s needs are invisible
- No consistent presence
- Intent is absent
Narcissistic Parent
- Response depends on parent’s needs
- “Failures” are blamed on the child
- Ruptures are the child’s fault
- Child is seen as extension of self
- Love is conditional
- Intent is to meet parent’s needs
Why Perfection Would Be Harmful
Hypothetically perfect parenting would actually harm development:
No Frustration Tolerance
Without manageable frustration, children never learn to tolerate discomfort or wait for gratification.
No Independence
If every need is anticipated, children never develop their own capability to meet needs.
Unrealistic Expectations
Children raised with perfection would expect perfection from all relationships—and from themselves.
No Resilience
Resilience develops through facing and surviving challenges. Remove all challenges, and resilience never develops.
No Self-Soothing
Children develop self-soothing through small experiences of distress that resolve. Perfect attunement prevents this development.
For Adult Children of Narcissists
Why This Matters
Understanding “good enough” parenting helps survivors of narcissistic parenting recognize what was missing—and what to aim for in their own relationships or parenting.
What You Didn’t Receive
Narcissistic parenting isn’t “not perfect”—it’s fundamentally different from good enough:
- Inconsistent rather than reliable
- Parent-focused rather than child-focused
- Ruptures without repair
- Conditional rather than unconditional love
- Child as extension rather than separate person
Breaking the Cycle
Adult children of narcissists often fear they’ll repeat the pattern. Understanding “good enough” can help:
- Perfection isn’t the goal
- You’ll make mistakes—what matters is repair
- Seeing your child as separate is key
- Consistency matters more than any single interaction
- You can learn what wasn’t modeled for you
Self-Parenting
The concept of good enough can also apply to how you treat yourself:
- You don’t need to be perfect
- Self-compassion after failures
- Meeting your own needs adequately
- Allowing yourself to struggle and grow
The Therapeutic Context
Therapists often function as “good enough” attachment figures:
- Consistent presence
- Attunement most of the time
- Inevitable failures that get repaired
- Gradually fostering independence
- Seeing the client as a separate person
The therapeutic relationship can provide what was missing in childhood, demonstrating through experience what good enough care feels like.
Hope for Healing
The concept of the good enough parent contains both grief and hope:
Grief: Recognizing that what you received wasn’t even “good enough”—that the failures were overwhelming rather than manageable, the care inconsistent rather than reliable, the love conditional rather than unconditional.
Hope: Knowing that you don’t need to be perfect to provide something different. Good enough is achievable. The cycle can be broken. Repair matters more than perfection.
You can become the good enough parent you didn’t have—to your children if you have them, and always to yourself.
Frequently Asked Questions
The 'good enough parent' (originally 'good enough mother') is a concept from psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott. It describes parenting that meets the child's needs adequately and reliably, while naturally including some failures and imperfections. These manageable failures actually help children develop independence and resilience.
Perfect attunement would prevent children from developing frustration tolerance, problem-solving, and independence. Small failures—followed by repair—teach children that the world isn't perfect but is survivable. They learn to self-soothe, to tolerate disappointment, and to trust that ruptures can be healed.
Good enough parenting involves reliable, responsive care with occasional natural failures that are recognized and repaired. Neglectful parenting involves consistent failure to meet basic needs. Good enough parents are present, attentive, and responsive most of the time. Neglectful parents are chronically absent or unresponsive.
Good enough parents see children as separate individuals, respond to their actual needs, and repair ruptures. Narcissistic parents see children as extensions of themselves, respond to their own needs, and rarely genuinely repair. Good enough is about the child; narcissistic parenting is about the parent.
Yes. Though it requires intentional work, people raised by narcissistic parents can become good enough parents. Therapy, education, self-awareness, and commitment to doing things differently can break the cycle. Many adult children of narcissists become especially thoughtful, attuned parents.
A good enough parent provides: reliable presence, emotional attunement most of the time, consistent meeting of basic needs, repair after ruptures, gradual age-appropriate failures (to build independence), seeing the child as a separate person, and unconditional love that doesn't depend on performance.
