"Attachment disruption appears consistently in Cluster B histories. Research shows approximately 90 percent of individuals with these disorders have insecure attachment, with disorganised attachment particularly common."- From The Four Masks, Unifying Features across Cluster B
What is Attachment?
Attachment refers to the deep emotional bonds we form with others, particularly in close relationships. Attachment theory, developed by John Bowlby and expanded by Mary Ainsworth, explains how our early experiences with caregivers create internal working models that shape how we relate to others throughout our lives.
Understanding attachment is crucial for survivors of narcissistic abuse because it explains both why narcissists relate the way they do and why survivors may be particularly vulnerable to narcissistic relationships.
The Four Attachment Styles
Secure Attachment: Developed when caregivers were consistently responsive and attuned. These individuals trust others, feel worthy of love, and can maintain healthy interdependence.
Anxious/Preoccupied Attachment: Developed when caregiving was inconsistent. These individuals crave closeness but fear abandonment, often becoming preoccupied with relationships and seeking constant reassurance.
Avoidant/Dismissive Attachment: Developed when caregivers were emotionally unavailable or rejecting. These individuals suppress attachment needs, value independence, and may seem emotionally distant.
Disorganised/Fearful Attachment: Developed when caregivers were frightening or frightened—the source of both comfort and fear. These individuals want closeness but are afraid of it, creating chaotic relationship patterns.
Narcissists and Attachment
Narcissists typically display insecure attachment patterns:
Avoidant features: Many narcissists appear dismissive—they seem not to need others emotionally, maintain distance, and can discard relationships easily.
Hidden anxiety: Beneath the avoidant surface, there’s often profound fear of abandonment and desperate need for validation.
Approach-avoidance: They may oscillate between intense pursuit and cold withdrawal.
Impaired object constancy: They struggle to maintain stable, positive images of others when separated or in conflict.
Supply-seeking: Relationships serve a function (providing narcissistic supply) rather than genuine emotional connection.
Why Survivors Are Vulnerable
Certain attachment patterns make individuals more vulnerable to narcissistic relationships:
Anxious attachment: The narcissist’s initial intensity feels like the deep connection you’ve been craving. Their later withdrawal triggers your abandonment fears, making you work harder to win them back.
Disorganised attachment: The chaos of narcissistic relationships may feel familiar. The push-pull dynamic recreates early experiences.
Earned insecurity: Even those with originally secure attachment can develop insecure patterns after narcissistic abuse.
How Attachment Plays Out in Narcissistic Relationships
Early phase: The narcissist provides intense attunement (love bombing), activating your attachment system powerfully.
Middle phase: Intermittent reinforcement—periods of warmth followed by coldness—creates anxious attachment, even in previously secure individuals.
Late phase: Your attachment system is in overdrive, making leaving feel impossible despite ongoing harm.
After leaving: The attachment bond doesn’t disappear immediately. You may feel drawn back despite knowing better.
Attachment and Trauma Bonding
Trauma bonds form through attachment mechanisms exploited by abuse:
- Intermittent reinforcement activates attachment seeking
- Fear of the abuser paradoxically increases attachment (like a child clinging to a frightening parent)
- Isolation removes alternative attachment figures
- The brain prioritises maintaining the attachment bond over safety
Understanding this neurobiological reality helps survivors stop blaming themselves for staying or struggling to leave.
Healing Attachment Wounds
Recovery involves developing “earned secure attachment”:
With a therapist: A consistent, attuned therapeutic relationship can provide corrective attachment experiences.
Through self-awareness: Understanding your attachment patterns helps you make conscious choices rather than being driven by unconscious templates.
In healthy relationships: Safe friendships and eventual romantic relationships can help rewire attachment patterns.
With self-compassion: Treating yourself as you would a child deserving of care addresses early attachment wounds.
Signs of Healing
As attachment patterns heal, you may notice:
- Less anxiety when partners are unavailable
- Ability to tolerate normal relationship uncertainty
- Not confusing intensity with love
- Recognising red flags earlier
- Feeling worthy of healthy treatment
- Ability to leave relationships that don’t serve you
- Comfort with appropriate interdependence
Why Attachment Knowledge Matters
Understanding attachment helps survivors:
- Depersonalise the narcissist’s inability to attach genuinely
- Understand why leaving feels so hard
- Recognise their own vulnerabilities
- Make sense of the relationship’s intense grip
- Choose healthier partners going forward
- Develop secure attachment through intentional healing
Research & Statistics
- Approximately 60% of the population has secure attachment, while 40% has insecure attachment styles (Hazan & Shaver, 1987)
- 90% of individuals with Cluster B personality disorders have insecure attachment, with disorganised attachment most common (Fonagy et al.)
- Adults with anxious attachment are 3 times more likely to stay in abusive relationships (Henderson et al., 2005)
- The Strange Situation procedure identifies attachment patterns with 85% reliability at 12 months that predict adult patterns (Ainsworth et al.)
- Children with disorganised attachment have 80% higher rates of dissociative symptoms in adulthood (Liotti, 2004)
- Earned secure attachment through therapy is achievable in 50-60% of cases within 2-3 years of consistent treatment (Main & Goldwyn)
- Intergenerational transmission of attachment style occurs in approximately 75% of parent-child relationships (van IJzendoorn)
A Hopeful Truth
Attachment patterns, while shaped by early experiences, are not fixed for life. Through therapy, self-awareness, and corrective relationships, survivors can develop earned secure attachment—the ability to form healthy bonds based on mutual respect, trust, and genuine intimacy.
Frequently Asked Questions
The four attachment styles are secure (trusts others, feels worthy of love), anxious/preoccupied (craves closeness but fears abandonment), avoidant/dismissive (suppresses attachment needs, values independence), and disorganised/fearful (wants closeness but fears it, creating chaotic relationship patterns).
Anxious attachment makes you vulnerable to trauma bonding as narcissistic withdrawal triggers abandonment fears. Disorganised attachment makes chaotic narcissistic relationships feel familiar. Even secure attachment can become insecure after narcissistic abuse through the effects of intermittent reinforcement and manipulation.
The attachment system becomes activated through love bombing, then intermittent reinforcement creates anxious attachment patterns. Fear paradoxically increases attachment (like a child clinging to a frightening parent), and the brain prioritises maintaining the attachment bond over safety. This explains the trauma bond.
Yes, attachment patterns can change in both directions. Narcissistic abuse can create insecurity in previously secure people. Conversely, through therapy, self-awareness, and corrective relationships, survivors can develop 'earned secure attachment' and form healthy bonds.
Healing involves working with a consistent, attuned therapist for corrective attachment experiences, developing self-awareness about your patterns, building safe friendships and relationships that rewire attachment, practicing self-compassion, and learning to recognise the difference between intensity and genuine love.
