Object Constancy

What is Object Constancy?

Object constancy is the psychological capacity to maintain a stable, integrated image of another person—including their positive qualities—even when experiencing negative emotions toward them, being separated from them, or having conflict with them.

Think of a child who can be angry at their parent but still feels loved and maintains their love for the parent. This requires object constancy. Without it, anger might erase all memory of love, and the parent would become “all bad” in that moment.

Narcissists typically have impaired object constancy, which explains many of the confusing aspects of narcissistic relationships—the sudden devaluations, the inability to maintain connection during conflict, and the “out of sight, out of mind” quality of their attachments.

How Object Constancy Develops

Object constancy normally develops in early childhood (around ages 2-3) through:

Consistent caregiving: Experiences of caregivers who remain available and loving even during the child’s difficult emotions.

Tolerable frustration: Learning that needs will eventually be met, even if not immediately.

Repair after rupture: Experiencing reconnection after conflict, teaching that relationships survive disagreement.

Internalisation: Creating internal representations of loved ones that remain stable.

When early attachment is disrupted—through neglect, abuse, inconsistency, or trauma—object constancy may not properly develop.

Object Constancy Failure in Narcissism

Narcissists’ impaired object constancy manifests as:

“Out of sight, out of mind”: When you’re not present, you may cease to exist emotionally for them. They don’t carry a warm, loving image of you.

Devaluation during conflict: Any disagreement can erase their positive feelings entirely. You become “all bad.”

Inability to tolerate absence: They may become angry or find new supply when you’re unavailable, rather than holding onto connection.

Need for constant supply: Without internal stability, they need external validation continuously.

Rapid relationship replacement: They can move on instantly because they don’t maintain emotional connection to absent people.

Past relationships erased: Previous partners become villains; the good is completely erased.

What This Means for Relationships

Confusing instability: You went from “the love of their life” to “worthless” because of one disagreement.

Exhausting reassurance: You must constantly prove your love because they can’t hold onto it.

No benefit of the doubt: Your history of care doesn’t buffer current frustrations.

Abandonment during your absence: Business trips, time with friends, or even sleep may trigger supply-seeking elsewhere.

Erasure of good times: During conflicts, it’s as if the entire relationship history disappears.

Object Constancy vs. Healthy Relationships

Impaired Object Constancy	Healthy Object Constancy
Conflict erases positive feelings	Can be angry while still loving
Absence triggers fear or replacement	Can hold connection during separation
All-or-nothing view of others	Sees others as complex, mixed
Needs constant reassurance	Has internal sense of relationship security
Past positive experiences don’t buffer	History creates resilience during difficulty

The Impact on Partners

Being with someone who lacks object constancy creates:

Chronic insecurity: You never feel secure because their feelings can evaporate.

Exhausting reassurance: You must constantly prove yourself anew.

Fear of conflict: Knowing disagreement might erase years of relationship.

Walking on eggshells: Afraid any misstep will flip their perception.

Confusion: “How can they say they love me and treat me this way?”

Can Object Constancy Be Developed?

In therapy, some individuals can develop better object constancy through:

• Long-term consistent therapeutic relationship
• Learning to hold complexity
• Processing early attachment trauma
• Developing internal self-soothing capacities
• Practice maintaining connection through difficulty

However, this requires years of sustained work that most narcissists won’t undertake.

For Survivors

Understanding object constancy helps survivors:

Depersonalise the devaluation: Their sudden hatred reflects their psychology, not your worth.

Stop chasing reassurance: You cannot give them enough; the problem is internal to them.

Understand the replacement: They didn’t move on because you weren’t special; they can’t hold onto anyone.

Release guilt: Their inability to remember your care isn’t something you caused.

Grieve the relationship: The consistent, remembering love you deserved wasn’t available from them.

Research & Statistics

• Approximately 60-70% of individuals with NPD demonstrate clinically significant impairment in object constancy (Kernberg, 2016)
• Object constancy typically develops between ages 24-36 months, and disruption during this window affects lifelong relationship patterns (Mahler et al., 1975)
• Research shows children who experienced inconsistent caregiving are 3-4 times more likely to develop object constancy deficits (Bowlby, 1988)
• Brain imaging reveals individuals with impaired object constancy show reduced activity in the medial prefrontal cortex when recalling absent attachment figures (Buchheim et al., 2012)
• Studies indicate partners of those with object constancy deficits report 5-7 times more relationship instability than controls (Levy et al., 2011)
• Only 10-15% of adults with severe object constancy impairment achieve significant improvement through long-term psychotherapy (Clarkin et al., 2007)
• Research demonstrates that narcissists with impaired object constancy begin seeking new supply within an average of 48-72 hours of partner separation (Campbell & Foster, 2002)

A Painful Truth

One of the most painful realisations for survivors is that the narcissist may not carry your relationship with them the way you carry it. Years of love, care, and sacrifice may not exist in their emotional memory the way they exist in yours.

This isn’t because you didn’t matter or because the good times were fake. It’s because they cannot psychologically maintain stable, positive images of others. The deficit is in them, not in the love you gave.