"To the narcissist, relationships are transactions. People are not ends in themselves but means to ends—sources of supply, status, resources, or services. Love is not connection but acquisition. The question is never 'Who are you?' but 'What can you do for me?'"
What is Interpersonal Exploitation?
Interpersonal exploitation is one of the nine diagnostic criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder. The DSM-5 describes it as “taking advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends.”
For narcissists, relationships are fundamentally instrumental. People exist not as individuals with their own worth and needs, but as resources to be utilized. The question isn’t “Who are you?” but “What can you provide?”
This creates relationships that look like connection but function like extraction.
The Instrumental View of Others
People as Objects
Narcissists struggle to see others as full subjects with independent inner lives. Instead, others are:
- Sources of narcissistic supply (admiration, attention)
- Providers of practical resources (money, housing, services)
- Status symbols (attractive partners, successful friends)
- Tools for achieving goals
- Extensions of themselves
This objectification isn’t always conscious—it’s how narcissists fundamentally perceive relationships.
The Transactional Framework
Every relationship is evaluated by:
- What can this person do for me?
- What do they provide?
- Are they still useful?
- What’s the cost-benefit analysis?
Genuine connection—valuing someone for who they are, not what they provide—is largely absent.
Forms of Exploitation
Financial Exploitation
- Borrowing money with no intention to repay
- Expecting financial support as entitlement
- Controlling partner’s finances
- Taking credit for joint financial successes
- Leaving partner with debts
- Using others’ resources freely while hoarding own
Emotional Exploitation
- Extracting emotional support without reciprocating
- Using others as emotional dumping grounds
- Expecting constant availability and attention
- Creating crises that demand your focus
- Offering nothing when you’re struggling
- Using your emotions against you
Social Exploitation
- Using relationships for status and access
- Name-dropping and connection-leveraging
- Befriending people for what they can provide
- Discarding friends who aren’t “useful”
- Using partners as status symbols
- Networking purely for personal gain
Professional Exploitation
- Taking credit for others’ work
- Using employees/colleagues for personal tasks
- Manipulating for promotions or advantages
- Stepping on others to climb
- Stealing ideas and presenting as own
- Creating “fall guys” for their failures
Sexual Exploitation
- Using charm and seduction manipulatively
- Viewing partners as conquests
- Infidelity without regard for partner
- Coercion and pressure tactics
- Using sex as reward or punishment
- Lack of concern for partner’s experience
The Cycle of Exploitation
1. Identification
The narcissist identifies someone with something they want:
- Resources, status, skills, connections
- Potential for supply
- Vulnerability to manipulation
2. Idealization
They pour on charm to secure the relationship:
- Love bombing
- Mirroring your interests
- Making you feel special
- Building attachment and trust
3. Extraction
Once secured, the exploitation begins:
- Taking what they want
- Testing limits
- Establishing patterns of one-sided giving
- Creating obligation
4. Maintenance or Discard
Based on ongoing utility:
- If still useful: maintain with minimal investment
- If depleted or resistant: devalue and discard
- May hoover back if you become useful again
Signs You’re Being Exploited
The Relationship Feels One-Sided
- You give more than you receive
- Your generosity isn’t reciprocated
- They expect support but aren’t there for you
- The “exchange” is persistently unequal
You’re Contacted When Needed
- They reach out when they want something
- Disappear when everything’s fine
- Suddenly attentive when they have needs
- Otherwise, you’re not a priority
Your Boundaries Don’t Matter
- Requests are really demands
- “No” isn’t accepted gracefully
- You’re pushed past your limits
- Your comfort is irrelevant
You Feel Used
- Trust your gut
- That “used” feeling is data
- You sense the transaction
- Something feels off
The Math Doesn’t Add Up
- What do you actually get from this relationship?
- What do you provide?
- Is there genuine mutuality?
- Would they be here if you had nothing to offer?
Why Exploitation Isn’t Always Obvious
Charm Obscures Intent
Narcissists can be extremely charming. The exploitation happens within a relationship that feels special, making it hard to see clearly.
Gradual Escalation
Exploitation often starts small and escalates. By the time it’s severe, you’re already invested and patterns are established.
Your Empathy Fills Gaps
You may project genuine motivation onto them, assuming they care as you would. This blinds you to the transactional reality.
Intermittent Reinforcement
Occasional genuine-seeming moments create hope and confusion. Surely someone who sometimes seems caring can’t be purely exploitative?
Cultural Normalization
Some exploitation is culturally normalized (“that’s just how relationships are”), making it harder to recognize as pathological.
The Impact of Being Exploited
Loss of Trust
After being exploited, trusting becomes difficult:
- Questioning everyone’s motives
- Hypervigilance in relationships
- Difficulty accepting genuine kindness
- Fear of being used again
Depleted Resources
Exploitation drains:
- Financial resources
- Emotional energy
- Time and attention
- Professional capital
- Social connections
Damaged Self-Worth
Being used can leave you feeling:
- Worthless except for what you provide
- Stupid for not seeing it
- Ashamed of being “fooled”
- Uncertain of your value as a person
Relationship Patterns
You may develop patterns of:
- Giving too much (trying to earn love)
- Withdrawing (protecting yourself)
- Exploitation-blindness (missing signs)
- Hypervigilance (seeing exploitation everywhere)
Protecting Yourself
Watch for Reciprocity
Healthy relationships have mutual give and take. If you’re always giving:
- Notice the pattern
- Test with a need of your own
- Pay attention to response
Maintain Boundaries
- Your resources are yours
- You don’t owe unlimited availability
- “No” is a complete sentence
- Generosity should be chosen, not extracted
Trust Slowly
- Let relationships prove themselves
- Watch actions, not just words
- Notice patterns over time
- Don’t invest faster than trust is earned
Value Yourself Beyond Utility
- You’re worthy beyond what you provide
- Relationships should value who you are
- If you’re only wanted for what you offer, that’s not genuine connection
For Survivors
If you’ve been exploited:
- Your generosity wasn’t foolishness
- Good people assume good in others
- Being trusting isn’t a flaw—their exploitation is the flaw
- What they took doesn’t define your worth
- You can learn to recognize patterns without becoming cynical
Being exploited says everything about the exploiter and nothing about your value. You deserved genuine connection. You still do.
Frequently Asked Questions
Interpersonal exploitation is a core NPD criterion describing the pattern of taking advantage of others to achieve one's own ends. Narcissists view people instrumentally—as sources of supply, status, resources, or services rather than as individuals with their own needs and worth.
Exploitation takes many forms: using people for money, status, or connections; extracting emotional labor without reciprocating; leveraging relationships for personal gain; taking credit for others' work; using charm to manipulate; and discarding people when they're no longer useful.
Exploitation stems from the narcissist's lack of empathy and sense of entitlement. If others' feelings don't register and you believe you deserve special treatment, using people seems logical—not wrong. They genuinely may not understand why exploitation is problematic.
Signs include: the relationship feels one-sided; they only contact you when they need something; your generosity is expected but never reciprocated; they take credit for your contributions; you feel used; and the relationship serves their needs while yours are ignored.
Not always. Some narcissists consciously manipulate, but others exploit without full awareness. Their worldview simply doesn't include others as beings with equal needs. The exploitation may feel 'natural' to them—they're not twirling a mustache, just living according to their psychology.
Narcissists struggle with genuine mutuality. Relationships tend to remain instrumental even when they appear close. Some narcissists may develop partial genuine connection, but the exploitative pattern typically persists because it's rooted in how they fundamentally see others.
