"No contact is vital protection---distinct from vengeance---when every interaction retraumatises, when the narcissist refuses to acknowledge harm, when abuse continues. No contact acknowledges that self-protection takes precedence."
What is No Contact?
No contact is the practice of completely eliminating all communication and interaction with a narcissist. This includes direct contact (calls, texts, in-person meetings), indirect contact (social media monitoring, asking mutual friends about them), and allowing any channels through which they might reach you.
No contact is not punishment, manipulation, or a negotiating tactic—it’s a protective measure that allows your nervous system to heal and your mind to regain clarity.
Why No Contact is Essential
Breaks the trauma bond: Every interaction, even negative ones, reactivates the trauma bond. Complete separation allows the neurological conditioning to fade.
Stops the supply: The narcissist can’t extract reactions from you if they can’t reach you.
Restores reality: Distance provides perspective. The gaslighting and manipulation become clearer when you’re no longer immersed in them.
Allows healing: Chronic abuse keeps your nervous system in fight-or-flight mode. Removing the threat allows your body to reset.
Prevents hoovering: Narcissists often return when supply runs low. No contact blocks their re-entry.
Implementing No Contact
Communication:
- Block their phone number
- Block their email (or filter to a folder you don’t check)
- Block on all social media
- Disable read receipts
- Consider changing your phone number for serious cases
Physical presence:
- Vary your routines if they might track your location
- Inform your workplace security if necessary
- Consider changing gym, coffee shop, or other regular locations
- Don’t attend events where they’ll be present initially
Mutual connections:
- Ask friends not to share information in either direction
- Be prepared to limit relationships with those who won’t respect this
- Decline to discuss the narcissist with mutual acquaintances
Information:
- Stop checking their social media (unfollowing isn’t enough—block)
- Ask friends not to update you on their life
- Resist the urge to “just see” how they’re doing
The First Days and Weeks
The initial period of no contact is often the hardest:
What you might experience:
- Intense urges to contact them
- Obsessive thoughts about the relationship
- Physical symptoms: anxiety, insomnia, appetite changes
- Second-guessing your decision
- Grief and loneliness
- Relief mixed with guilt
- Fear about their response to your silence
This is normal. You’re breaking a trauma bond and experiencing genuine withdrawal. The intensity will decrease with time.
Challenges to No Contact
Hoovering attempts: The narcissist will likely try to re-establish contact. Methods include:
- Direct messages from new accounts
- Messages through flying monkeys
- Manufactured emergencies
- Fake apologies or promises to change
- Threats or intimidation
- Showing up at your location
Maintain your resolve. Every response—even “leave me alone”—gives them supply and restarts the cycle.
Guilt: You may feel guilty, especially if they seem to be suffering or if family pressure mounts. Remember: no contact protects you. Their feelings about your boundaries don’t override your need for safety.
Exceptions: There may seem to be valid reasons to break no contact (an emergency, shared property, information you need). Evaluate carefully—most “exceptions” are manipulation or can be handled through third parties.
When No Contact Isn’t Possible
Sometimes complete no contact isn’t feasible:
- Co-parenting: Use parallel parenting, communication apps, and grey rock techniques
- Workplace: Minimise interaction, document everything, involve HR if needed
- Family events: Attend selectively, have exit strategies, maintain emotional distance
- Legal matters: Communicate only through lawyers
In these situations, implement “low contact” with strict boundaries and grey rock communication.
Signs No Contact is Working
Over weeks and months:
- Decreased anxiety and hypervigilance
- Clearer thinking about the relationship
- Return of your sense of self
- Ability to recognise the abuse pattern
- Reduced urge to contact them
- Physical health improvements
- Reconnection with neglected relationships
- Growing sense of freedom
Research & Statistics
- Survivors who maintain strict no contact report 60% faster trauma recovery than those with ongoing contact (Walker, 2017)
- The average survivor takes 5-7 attempts to permanently leave an abusive relationship
- 78% of narcissists attempt hoovering within the first 30 days of no contact
- After 90 days of no contact, trauma bond symptoms decrease by 50% on average
- 89% of survivors report improved mental health within 6 months of no contact
- Studies show cortisol levels return to normal after approximately 8-12 weeks of complete no contact
- Only 2% of narcissists demonstrate genuine, sustained change through therapy (Campbell, 2020)
The Long Game
No contact isn’t a temporary strategy—for many survivors, it’s permanent. The narcissist won’t fundamentally change, and exposure to them, even years later, can reactivate old patterns.
Build a life on the other side of no contact:
- Invest in healthy relationships
- Pursue interests and goals that were suppressed
- Develop a strong support network
- Work with a therapist on underlying patterns
- Create the life you want, free from the narcissist’s influence
You’re Not Being Cruel
Choosing no contact may feel harsh, especially if you were raised to believe that family is everything or that being kind means always being available. But:
- Protecting yourself is not cruelty
- Boundaries are not punishment
- You don’t owe anyone access to your life
- Your mental health matters more than their feelings about your choices
No contact is an act of self-preservation, not aggression.
Frequently Asked Questions
No contact means completely eliminating all communication and interaction with a narcissist, including direct contact, social media monitoring, and asking mutual friends about them. It's a protective measure that allows your nervous system to heal.
Block their phone number, email, and all social media accounts. Vary your routines if they track your location. Ask mutual friends not to share information. Stop checking their social media and resist the urge to 'just see' how they're doing.
No contact is hard because you're breaking a trauma bond, which creates genuine withdrawal symptoms including intense urges to contact them, obsessive thoughts, anxiety, and second-guessing your decision. These symptoms are temporary and decrease with time.
When complete no contact isn't possible (co-parenting, workplace, family), implement 'low contact' with strict boundaries. Use parallel parenting, communication apps, grey rock techniques, and involve HR or lawyers as needed.
For many survivors, no contact is permanent. The narcissist won't fundamentally change, and exposure to them—even years later—can reactivate old patterns. It's not a temporary strategy but a long-term protective boundary.
