"Recovery from narcissistic abuse is, therefore, fundamentally about returning to love—genuine care that sees and nurtures. This begins with self-love, extends to chosen family and friends, and ultimately encompasses community."- From Breaking the Spell, The Return to Love
What is Self-Care?
Self-care encompasses the intentional practices and activities that maintain and restore your physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual wellbeing. It’s not indulgence or selfishness—it’s the basic maintenance required for a human being to function and thrive.
For survivors of narcissistic abuse, self-care is often neglected during the relationship and becomes a crucial part of recovery afterward.
Why Self-Care Matters After Abuse
Depletion: Narcissistic relationships drain every resource you have.
Neglect: You learned to prioritise their needs; self-care feels foreign.
Healing: Recovery requires energy that only self-care can provide.
Re-learning worth: Caring for yourself reinforces that you matter.
Nervous system regulation: Self-care helps calm trauma responses.
Foundation: You can’t build a new life on an empty tank.
Dimensions of Self-Care
Physical:
- Sleep and rest
- Nutrition and hydration
- Exercise and movement
- Medical care
- Physical safety
Emotional:
- Processing feelings
- Seeking support
- Setting boundaries
- Allowing grief
- Experiencing joy
Mental:
- Rest from rumination
- Stimulating activities
- Learning and growth
- Limiting stress
- Professional help
Social:
- Connection with safe people
- Community belonging
- Healthy relationships
- Appropriate solitude
Spiritual (however you define it):
- Meaning and purpose
- Connection to something larger
- Practices that ground you
- Values-aligned living
Self-Care During Abuse
If you’re still in the relationship, self-care may be limited but still possible:
- Moments of rest when safe
- Connection with trusted people
- Internal boundaries
- Physical basics when you can
- Planning for eventual freedom
Self-care during abuse often focuses on survival rather than thriving—and that’s okay.
Self-Care in Early Recovery
After leaving, self-care priorities shift:
Stabilisation: Basic needs, safety, rest.
Processing: Allow emotions to surface safely.
Support: Connect with therapists, groups, trusted people.
Patience: Healing takes time; don’t push too hard.
Gentleness: You’ve been through trauma; be kind to yourself.
Self-Care Practices
Physical:
- Regular sleep schedule
- Nourishing food
- Movement you enjoy
- Time in nature
- Medical checkups
Emotional:
- Therapy
- Journaling
- Crying when needed
- Allowing happiness
- Creative expression
Mental:
- Limiting news and social media
- Engaging hobbies
- Learning something new
- Mindfulness practice
- Setting mental boundaries
Social:
- Time with supportive people
- Building chosen family
- Joining support groups
- Practicing saying no
- Allowing alone time
Self-Care as Rebellion
After narcissistic abuse, self-care is an act of rebellion:
They taught you to neglect yourself → You practice attending to your needs.
They made your needs seem shameful → You honour your needs unapologetically.
They drained your resources → You deliberately replenish yourself.
They made you feel unworthy of care → You care for yourself as you deserve.
Obstacles to Self-Care
Survivors often struggle with self-care because:
Guilt: Feeling selfish for having needs.
Habit: Years of neglect created patterns.
Unworthiness: Not feeling deserving of care.
Energy: Depleted resources make everything hard.
Skills: May never have learned basic self-care.
Dissociation: Disconnection from body’s needs.
Starting Small
Self-care doesn’t have to be elaborate:
- Drink a glass of water
- Take a five-minute walk
- Go to bed 15 minutes earlier
- Say no to one thing
- Call one supportive person
- Sit in the sun for a moment
Small, consistent acts matter more than occasional grand gestures.
Self-Care vs. Self-Indulgence
Self-care is about genuine wellbeing, not avoidance:
Self-care: Resting when exhausted. Avoidance: Sleeping all day to avoid feelings.
Self-care: Treating yourself to something enjoyable. Numbing: Using substances or spending to avoid pain.
True self-care serves long-term wellbeing, not just immediate comfort.
Research & Statistics
- 92% of abuse survivors report neglecting their basic self-care needs during the abusive relationship (National Domestic Violence Hotline, 2020)
- Studies show consistent self-care practices reduce PTSD symptoms by 23-30% in trauma survivors (van der Kolk, 2014)
- Research indicates survivors who engage in regular physical activity show 47% faster recovery from trauma-related depression (Rosenbaum, 2015)
- Sleep disruption affects 70-90% of abuse survivors, making sleep hygiene one of the most critical self-care interventions (Walker, 2017)
- Studies find survivors who practice daily self-care rituals report 40% higher life satisfaction at 2-year follow-up (Neff & Germer, 2018)
- Research shows 15 minutes of daily mindfulness reduces cortisol levels by up to 25% in trauma survivors (Hoge, 2013)
- 68% of survivors initially feel guilt about self-care, viewing it as selfish due to conditioning from their abuser (Herman, 1992)
For Survivors
You are worth taking care of. You were always worth it, even when you were taught otherwise.
Self-care isn’t selfish—it’s necessary. You can’t pour from an empty cup, help others from a depleted state, or build a new life without resources.
Taking care of yourself is not what the narcissist taught you it was. It’s not selfishness, neediness, or weakness. It’s what every human being requires and deserves.
Start now. Start small. Start because you matter.
Frequently Asked Questions
Self-care is crucial after narcissistic abuse because the relationship depleted your resources, you learned to prioritise their needs over yours, recovery requires energy only self-care can provide, caring for yourself reinforces that you matter, and it helps calm trauma responses in your nervous system.
Guilt about self-care is common after abuse because you were taught to neglect yourself, your needs were made to seem shameful, years of neglect created patterns, and you may not feel deserving of care. This guilt is itself a legacy of the abuse that can be unlearned.
Self-care includes physical (sleep, nutrition, exercise, medical care), emotional (processing feelings, therapy, setting boundaries), mental (rest from rumination, limiting stress, mindfulness), social (connection with safe people, community), and spiritual (meaning and purpose). Small, consistent acts matter more than occasional grand gestures.
Start extremely small: drink a glass of water, take a five-minute walk, go to bed 15 minutes earlier, say no to one thing, or sit in the sun briefly. Self-care after abuse often begins with survival basics rather than elaborate practices. Consistency with small acts builds capacity over time.
No. Self-care is not what the narcissist taught you it was—it's not selfishness, neediness, or weakness. It's what every human being requires and deserves. You can't help others or build a new life from a depleted state. Taking care of yourself is a rebellion against how you were treated.
