Validation

What is Validation?

Validation is the acknowledgment and acceptance of another person’s thoughts, feelings, and experiences as legitimate and understandable, even if you don’t agree with them or wouldn’t feel the same way. It’s the communication that says, “What you’re experiencing makes sense given who you are and what you’ve been through.”

In narcissistic relationships, validation is systematically withheld, making external validation—and later, self-validation—crucial for recovery.

Why Validation Matters

Emotional regulation: Feeling understood helps calm intense emotions.

Reality confirmation: Others confirming your experience helps you trust your perceptions.

Connection: Validation creates feeling of being seen and understood.

Self-worth: Being validated communicates that you matter.

Healing: Recovery requires acknowledgment that what happened was real and harmful.

How Narcissists Withhold Validation

Gaslighting: Directly contradicting your experience.

Minimisation: “It wasn’t that bad” dismisses your feelings.

Dismissal: Ignoring or talking over your concerns.

Deflection: Changing the subject when you express needs.

Reversal: Making themselves the victim when you share pain.

Criticism: Attacking you for having feelings.

Comparison: “Others have it worse” invalidates your experience.

The Impact of Chronic Invalidation

Living without validation creates:

• Distrust of your own perceptions
• Difficulty identifying your feelings
• Seeking external validation excessively
• Self-doubt and low self-worth
• Feeling invisible or unimportant
• Difficulty expressing needs
• Accepting poor treatment as normal
• Chronic shame about your inner experience

Validation vs. Agreement

An important distinction:

Validation: “I can see why you’d feel hurt by that.” Agreement: “You’re right, that was wrong of them.”

Validation doesn’t require agreeing someone is right—it means understanding why they feel as they do. You can validate someone’s feelings while disagreeing with their conclusions.

Types of Validation

Emotional validation: “It makes sense that you feel angry about this.”

Experience validation: “That sounds really difficult.”

Perception validation: “I can see why you’d interpret it that way.”

Need validation: “Of course you need support right now.”

Historical validation: “Given what you’ve been through, your reaction makes complete sense.”

Self-Validation

Because narcissists won’t validate you, learning self-validation is crucial:

Acknowledge your feelings: “I’m feeling anxious, and that’s okay.”

Affirm your experience: “That interaction was uncomfortable, regardless of their intent.”

Trust your perceptions: “My read on the situation is valid.”

Accept your needs: “It’s reasonable for me to need support.”

Honour your history: “Given my past, this reaction makes sense.”

Building Self-Validation

Practice self-validation by:

Noticing invalidation: Catch when you dismiss your own feelings.

Reframing: Change “I shouldn’t feel this way” to “I feel this way, and that’s understandable.”

Compassionate self-talk: Speak to yourself as you would a loved friend.

Journaling: Writing validates your experience on the page.

Mindfulness: Observing feelings without judgment is a form of validation.

The Danger of Excessive External Validation Seeking

While validation is healthy, chronic invalidation can create:

Over-reliance on others: Needing others to validate every feeling or decision.

People-pleasing: Seeking validation through accommodation.

Vulnerability to manipulation: Those who validate can control you.

Unstable self-image: Your sense of yourself depends on others.

Recovery includes moving from needing external validation to providing self-validation while still appreciating (not depending on) validation from others.

Healthy Validation in Relationships

In healthy relationships, validation flows both ways:

• Partners validate each other’s feelings
• Disagreement happens alongside understanding
• Feelings are acknowledged even when inconvenient
• Validation doesn’t require capitulation
• Both people feel seen and understood

Research & Statistics

• Research shows that just one validating adult in a child’s life reduces the risk of developing PTSD by up to 50% following adverse experiences (Werner & Smith, 2001)
• Emotional validation reduces physiological stress responses by approximately 40% compared to invalidation or dismissal (Linehan et al., 2002)
• Studies demonstrate that chronic invalidation in childhood increases the risk of developing borderline personality disorder by 3-4 times (Linehan, 1993)
• Research by John Gottman found that relationships with a 5:1 ratio of validation to criticism are significantly more stable and satisfying
• 94% of adults who grew up with narcissistic parents report chronic feelings of being “unseen” or “unheard” due to systematic invalidation (McBride, 2008)
• Dialectical Behavior Therapy studies show that learning self-validation skills reduces self-harm behaviours by 50% and improves emotional regulation (Linehan et al., 2006)
• Children who receive consistent emotional validation show 25% better emotional regulation and 30% fewer behavioural problems than invalidated peers (Eisenberg et al., 1998)

For Survivors

If you’ve lived without validation:

• Your feelings were always valid, even when denied
• You’re allowed to trust your perceptions
• Seeking validation is not weakness—it’s human
• Learning to validate yourself takes time and practice
• Surrounding yourself with validating people supports healing

The narcissist’s refusal to validate you said everything about them and nothing about the legitimacy of your experience. Your feelings, perceptions, and needs were valid all along.