"The gaslit self is not weak or foolish—it is human. Our sense of reality is more fragile than we imagine, dependent on social validation and consistency of experience. When a trusted intimate systematically undermines these foundations, anyone can lose their certainty. Recovery requires not just leaving the abusive relationship but rebuilding the fundamental capacity to trust one's own mind."
What is Gaslighting?
Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which the abuser causes the victim to question their own reality, memory, and perceptions. The term originates from the 1944 film Gaslight, in which a husband manipulates his wife into believing she is going insane by dimming the gas lights in their home and denying any change when she notices.
In narcissistic relationships, gaslighting serves a specific purpose: it gives the narcissist control over the victim’s sense of reality. When you can’t trust your own perceptions, you become dependent on the abuser to tell you what’s “really” happening. This dependency is exactly what the narcissist requires to maintain power.
How Gaslighting Works
Gaslighting operates through several interconnected tactics:
Denial of events: “That never happened. You’re making things up.” The abuser flatly denies documented events, even when confronted with evidence.
Trivialising feelings: “You’re being too sensitive” or “You’re overreacting.” Your emotional responses are dismissed as excessive or irrational.
Countering memories: “That’s not how it happened. Your memory is terrible.” The abuser substitutes their version of events for yours.
Diverting and blocking: “You’re just trying to confuse me” or “Where did you get that crazy idea?” The conversation is redirected away from the issue.
Forgetting and denial: “I don’t know what you’re talking about” or “You never told me that.” Convenient amnesia about commitments, promises, or conversations.
Warning Signs You’re Being Gaslighted
- You constantly second-guess yourself and your decisions
- You frequently wonder if you’re being “too sensitive”
- You feel confused or “crazy” much of the time
- You find yourself apologising constantly, even when you’ve done nothing wrong
- You can’t understand why you’re not happier despite having “everything”
- You frequently make excuses for your partner’s behaviour to friends and family
- You know something is terribly wrong but can’t identify what
- You’ve started lying to avoid put-downs and reality twists
- You have trouble making simple decisions
- You feel like you used to be a very different, more confident person
Examples in Relationships
Romantic relationships: After your partner screams at you in front of friends, they later claim, “I didn’t raise my voice. Everyone was having a good time. You’re embarrassing me with these accusations.”
Family dynamics: A parent who forgot your birthday responds, “I would never forget your birthday. You must have told me the wrong date. You always get confused about these things.”
Workplace: A boss who gave you verbal instructions denies them: “I never said that. I always send important requests via email. You need to pay closer attention.”
The Neuroscience of Gaslighting
Research shows that chronic gaslighting can physically alter brain structure and function. The constant stress activates the amygdala’s threat response while simultaneously undermining the prefrontal cortex’s ability to evaluate reality. Victims often develop hypervigilance, anxiety disorders, and symptoms resembling complex PTSD.
Research & Statistics
- 89% of gaslighting victims report persistent self-doubt even after leaving the relationship (Stern, 2018)
- Victims are 3.4 times more likely to develop anxiety disorders compared to the general population
- Studies show gaslighting is present in approximately 75% of emotionally abusive relationships (Sweet, 2019)
- 74% of victims initially attributed their confusion to their own mental health issues rather than external manipulation
- Brain imaging studies reveal reduced prefrontal cortex activity in chronic gaslighting victims, impairing decision-making
- The average victim experiences gaslighting for 2.3 years before recognising the pattern
The intermittent nature of gaslighting—moments of kindness interspersed with reality distortion—creates a particularly insidious form of conditioning that makes the abuse difficult to recognise and even harder to escape.
Recovery and Protection
If you recognise these patterns in your life:
- Start documenting everything—save texts, emails, and write down conversations with dates and times
- Trust your body’s responses—if something feels wrong, it probably is
- Seek outside perspectives—talk to trusted friends, family, or a therapist
- Learn about the grey rock method to reduce emotional reactions
- Consider whether no contact or low contact is possible
Your reality is valid. Your memories are real. You are not crazy.
Frequently Asked Questions
Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation where one partner systematically makes the other question their own reality, memory, and perceptions. It involves denial, misdirection, and contradiction to gain control over the victim's sense of what is true.
Common signs include constantly second-guessing yourself, feeling confused or 'crazy,' apologizing excessively for things that aren't your fault, making excuses for your partner's behavior, and feeling like you used to be a more confident person.
Narcissists gaslight to maintain power and control in relationships. When you can't trust your own perceptions, you become dependent on them to define reality, which gives them the control they need to maintain their sense of superiority.
Yes, chronic gaslighting can cause symptoms resembling Complex PTSD, including anxiety disorders, hypervigilance, depression, and difficulty trusting your own perceptions. The constant stress can physically alter brain structure and function.
Recovery involves documenting everything to validate your experiences, trusting your body's responses, seeking outside perspectives from trusted friends or therapists, and gradually rebuilding confidence in your own perceptions and memories.
