"Children need consistent, accurate mirroring of their experience to develop coherent neural networks for processing reality. When mirroring is systematically distorted, the brain develops fragmented, contradictory networks. The child may simultaneously know and not know something is true. This cognitive dissonance creates chronic anxiety and contributes to dissociative disorders."
What is Cognitive Dissonance?
Cognitive dissonance is the mental discomfort experienced when holding two or more contradictory beliefs, values, or attitudes simultaneously. The term was coined by psychologist Leon Festinger in 1957. We’re motivated to reduce this dissonance because it’s psychologically uncomfortable—and we’ll often do so in ways that aren’t entirely rational.
In narcissistic abuse, cognitive dissonance is pervasive: How can the person who says they love me also hurt me? How can I love someone who treats me badly? How can they be so wonderful sometimes and so cruel at other times?
Cognitive Dissonance in Narcissistic Relationships
Common contradictions victims hold:
“They love me” + “They hurt me”: Both feel true, but together they create confusion.
“They’re a good person” + “They do terrible things”: Character vs. actions don’t match.
“I’m smart/capable” + “I can’t leave this relationship”: Self-image vs. behaviour.
“This is abuse” + “But it’s not that bad”: Recognition vs. minimisation.
“They’ve changed” + “They keep doing the same things”: Hope vs. pattern.
“I need to leave” + “I can’t imagine life without them”: Logic vs. attachment.
How the Mind Resolves Cognitive Dissonance
The brain seeks resolution through:
Changing one belief: “Maybe they don’t really love me” or “Maybe it’s not really abuse.”
Adding new beliefs: “They only act this way because of stress” or “All relationships have problems.”
Reducing importance: “It doesn’t really matter” or “Love conquers all.”
Denial: “That didn’t really happen” or “It wasn’t that bad.”
Rationalisation: “I probably deserved it” or “They can’t help it.”
Unfortunately, in abuse situations, these resolution strategies often keep victims trapped.
Why Cognitive Dissonance Keeps You Stuck
You blame yourself: “If they’re a good person and they hurt me, I must have provoked it.”
You minimise abuse: “It’s not that bad” reduces the contradiction between love and harm.
You hold onto hope: “They can change” resolves the contradiction between who they are and who you need them to be.
You doubt your perception: Gaslighting amplifies this—maybe it isn’t abuse, maybe you are too sensitive.
You stay: Leaving would confirm the abuse was real and your judgment was wrong, which is its own dissonance.
The Role of Gaslighting
Gaslighting weaponises cognitive dissonance:
- The narcissist provides the “alternate belief” to resolve your dissonance
- “You’re too sensitive” explains away your pain
- “That didn’t happen” erases the abuse
- “I’m the real victim” reverses the dynamic
- You adopt their narrative to reduce the unbearable confusion
Accepting their reality feels better than sitting with irresolvable contradiction.
Why It’s So Hard to Leave
Cognitive dissonance makes leaving difficult because:
Leaving confirms reality: It means accepting the relationship was abusive and your judgment was compromised.
Investment was real: Time, energy, love you invested—leaving feels like admitting it was wasted.
Identity is tied up: If you loved an abuser, what does that say about you?
Hope dies: Leaving means giving up on the person you thought they could be.
Confusion remains: Without clarity, you doubt your decision.
Reducing Cognitive Dissonance Healthily
Accept complexity: People can be both loving and abusive. Your love was real AND the abuse was real.
Educate yourself: Understanding narcissistic abuse patterns helps make sense of the contradiction.
Validate your experience: Your perception is valid even when it contradicts their narrative.
Journaling: Writing helps see patterns that are hard to hold in your mind.
Outside perspective: Others can see contradictions you’re too deep in to recognise.
Therapy: A therapist can help you process confusion and reach clarity.
Time: Distance from the relationship often clarifies what was hard to see inside it.
After Leaving: Resolving the Dissonance
Post-relationship, survivors often need to resolve lingering dissonance:
Grieving the illusion: The person you loved was partially constructed; mourning them is real.
Accepting your choices: You did the best you could with the information you had.
Understanding vulnerability: Falling for manipulation isn’t stupidity—it’s human.
Integrating the experience: Finding meaning without justifying abuse.
Rebuilding self-trust: Learning to trust your perceptions again.
Research & Statistics
- 100% of narcissistic abuse survivors experience significant cognitive dissonance during the relationship (clinical observations)
- Research shows cognitive dissonance causes measurable physiological stress, elevating cortisol by 25-30% (Harmon-Jones & Mills)
- Survivors report an average of 7 attempts to leave before permanently ending a narcissistic relationship, partly due to dissonance (National DV Hotline)
- 70% of abuse survivors initially minimise or deny abuse to reduce cognitive dissonance (Walker, 2009)
- Journaling to track reality reduces cognitive dissonance symptoms by 45% over 8 weeks (expressive writing studies)
- The “sunk cost fallacy” amplifies dissonance, keeping people in relationships an average of 3 years longer than they would otherwise stay
- Professional support reduces dissonance resolution time by 50% compared to attempting to heal alone (therapy outcome research)
For Survivors
Cognitive dissonance is disorienting. Your confusion is understandable—you were holding contradictory realities that couldn’t both be true. The exhaustion of that mental state is real.
Resolution doesn’t come from figuring out which belief was “true.” It comes from accepting that both existed: you loved them AND they harmed you. Your love was real AND it was exploited. You’re intelligent AND you were manipulated.
The contradiction was real. Sitting with it, rather than resolving it prematurely, is part of healing.
Frequently Asked Questions
Cognitive dissonance is the mental discomfort of holding contradictory beliefs—like 'they love me' and 'they hurt me.' This creates confusion, self-doubt, and psychological distress that keeps you stuck in the relationship.
Cognitive dissonance makes leaving feel impossible because you're caught between contradictory realities. The mind tries to resolve discomfort often by denying abuse, blaming yourself, or focusing only on good times.
Narcissists create dissonance through love bombing followed by devaluation, intermittent reinforcement, gaslighting your perception, behaving differently in public versus private, and making contradictory statements.
Stop trying to reconcile contradictions—accept both that they hurt you AND that you loved them. Document reality, seek outside perspectives, trust your experience, and work with a trauma-informed therapist.
Signs include making excuses for unacceptable behaviour, feeling confused about reality, simultaneously loving and fearing someone, difficulty making decisions about the relationship, and exhaustion from mental conflict.
