Denial

What is Denial?

Denial is a psychological defence mechanism that involves refusing to acknowledge an unacceptable truth or reality. In the context of narcissistic abuse, denial operates on multiple levels: narcissists deny their abusive behaviour, victims may deny the reality of their situation, and society often denies the prevalence and severity of psychological abuse.

Denial isn’t simply lying—it’s a complex psychological process that can be conscious or unconscious, serving to protect the psyche from overwhelming information.

Levels of Denial

Simple denial: “That didn’t happen.”

Minimising denial: “It happened, but it wasn’t a big deal.”

Projecting denial: “It happened, but it was your fault.”

Rationalising denial: “It happened, but I had good reasons.”

All of these serve to block acknowledgment of the problematic behaviour and its impacts.

Narcissists and Denial

Narcissists use denial extensively:

Denying behaviour: “I never said that” when they absolutely did.

Denying impact: “That couldn’t have hurt you” when it clearly did.

Denying pattern: “This is the first time this has happened” when it’s the hundredth.

Denying responsibility: “I’m not the problem here” when they obviously are.

Denying reality: Complete refusal to acknowledge what’s demonstrably true.

This denial may be conscious manipulation or genuine psychological defence—narcissists often cannot acknowledge their own behaviour because it would shatter their fragile self-image.

Victims and Denial

Victims also experience denial:

Denying abuse is abuse: “It’s not really abuse—it’s just…”

Denying severity: “It’s not that bad” when it’s severely affecting you.

Denying pattern: “This time is different” when it’s the same cycle.

Denying the person: “They’re not really like that” when that’s exactly who they are.

Denying your own experience: “I’m probably overreacting” when your response is appropriate.

Victim denial is a coping mechanism—the reality may be too overwhelming to face while you’re still in it.

Why Denial Happens

For narcissists:

• Protects fragile self-image
• Avoids accountability and consequences
• Maintains the grandiose false self
• Controls the narrative

For victims:

• The full reality is too painful
• Acknowledging abuse means acknowledging you’ve tolerated it
• Denial allows you to stay when leaving feels impossible
• Hope is preserved if reality is denied
• Investment feels protected if you don’t admit the truth

Denial and Gaslighting

Narcissistic denial is often weaponised as gaslighting:

• “That never happened” (when it did)
• “You’re imagining things” (when you’re not)
• “You’re crazy” (when you’re perceiving clearly)

Over time, the narcissist’s denial can become your denial—you adopt their reality because yours is so consistently contradicted.

Signs You May Be in Denial

• Friends express concern about your relationship
• You frequently make excuses for your partner’s behaviour
• You have to explain away the same behaviours repeatedly
• You feel strongly that “it’s not that bad” but can’t explain why you’re struggling
• You avoid thinking about certain aspects of the relationship
• Information about abuse feels personally threatening
• You become defensive when others express concern

Breaking Through Denial

Information: Learning about narcissism and abuse makes denial harder to maintain.

Documentation: Writing down what happens creates objective record.

Outside perspective: Trusted others can reflect reality back to you.

Physical symptoms: Your body often knows what your mind denies (anxiety, depression, health issues).

Time and distance: Removal from the situation often cracks denial.

Therapy: A professional can gently challenge denial while supporting you.

The Function of Denial

Denial isn’t necessarily unhealthy—it can be protective:

Timing: Sometimes you’re not ready to face reality, and denial buys time.

Survival: Denial may help you function when you can’t yet change your situation.

Self-protection: Full acknowledgment without support could be overwhelming.

The goal isn’t to shame yourself for denial but to recognise when it’s no longer serving you.

Moving Beyond Denial

Recovery from denial involves:

Gradual acknowledgment: Letting reality in at a pace you can handle.

Support: Having others who can hold reality with you.

Self-compassion: Understanding why denial was necessary.

Building resources: Developing the support and skills to face what you denied.

Integration: Eventually accepting the full truth without being overwhelmed.

Research & Statistics

• 92% of abuse victims report using denial as a coping mechanism at some point during their experience (Herman, 2015)
• Research shows it takes survivors an average of 7 attempts to permanently leave an abusive relationship, partly due to denial cycles
• Cognitive dissonance studies show that denial increases proportionally with the amount of investment in the relationship (Festinger)
• Victims in denial show elevated cortisol levels similar to those who acknowledge abuse, indicating the body recognizes what the mind denies
• 73% of adult survivors of childhood narcissistic abuse report periods of denial lasting years before recognizing the abuse (McBride, 2008)
• Breaking through denial correlates with 3x improved outcomes in trauma therapy compared to those who maintain protective denial

For Survivors

Denial protected you when you needed protection. But you can’t heal what you won’t acknowledge. You can’t leave what you refuse to see. You can’t recover from what you insist isn’t happening.

When you’re ready—and you may need support to get ready—letting go of denial is the beginning of freedom. The truth does hurt. But the truth also, eventually, heals.