Rationalisation

What is Rationalisation?

Rationalisation is a psychological defence mechanism in which a person creates logical-sounding explanations to justify behaviours, beliefs, or situations that would otherwise be unacceptable or emotionally difficult to acknowledge. It’s a way of making sense of things that don’t make sense—or that make painful sense.

In the context of narcissistic abuse, rationalisation keeps victims trapped by providing seemingly reasonable explanations for unreasonable behaviour.

How Rationalisation Works

The mind seeks consistency and meaning. When faced with something troubling:

1. Recognition: Something feels wrong or harmful.
2. Discomfort: Acknowledging the reality would be painful.
3. Rationalisation: The mind generates an explanation that reduces discomfort.
4. Relief: The explanation is accepted, and discomfort decreases.
5. Continuation: The problematic situation continues because it’s been “explained.”

Rationalisation in Narcissistic Abuse

Victims commonly rationalise:

The abuse:

• “They’re just stressed”
• “They had a terrible childhood”
• “They don’t mean it”
• “It only happens when they drink”
• “I provoked them”

Staying:

• “Every relationship has problems”
• “No one is perfect”
• “The good times are really good”
• “I’ve invested too much to leave”
• “It’s not that bad”

The narcissist’s character:

• “Deep down, they’re a good person”
• “They just express love differently”
• “They don’t know any better”
• “They’re trying to change”

Your own responses:

• “I’m too sensitive”
• “I expect too much”
• “I should be more understanding”
• “Other people don’t have problems with them”

Why We Rationalise Abuse

Cognitive dissonance reduction: “I love them” and “They hurt me” create unbearable tension.

Hope preservation: Rationalising keeps hope alive that things can improve.

Identity protection: Acknowledging abuse may mean acknowledging poor judgment.

Avoiding pain: The full reality is too painful to face.

Trauma bonding: The attachment drives the mind to justify staying connected.

External pressure: Others may encourage rationalisation (“Give them another chance”).

Normalisation: If you grew up with dysfunction, abuse may seem normal.

The Problem with Rationalisation

Rationalisation:

Keeps you stuck: By making the unacceptable acceptable, it prevents action.

Blocks clarity: The explanations obscure what’s really happening.

Enables abuse: When you justify their behaviour, the abuse continues.

Damages self-trust: You learn to override your own perceptions.

Delays healing: Recovery can’t begin while you’re still justifying the harm.

Exhausts you: Maintaining rationalisations requires ongoing mental energy.

Rationalisation vs. Understanding

Healthy understanding: “They had a difficult childhood, which explains but doesn’t excuse their behaviour.”

Rationalisation: “They had a difficult childhood, so it’s understandable that they treat me this way, and I should be more patient.”

The difference: understanding provides context; rationalisation provides permission.

How to Recognise Your Rationalisations

Ask yourself:

• Would I accept this explanation if a friend told it to me about their relationship?
• Am I making excuses I wouldn’t accept from anyone else?
• Does this explanation require me to ignore important facts?
• Have I used this same explanation many times before?
• Does this explanation benefit them at my expense?
• Would this explanation sound reasonable to an objective observer?

Moving Past Rationalisation

Name it: “I’m rationalising right now.”

Question it: “Would I accept this if my best friend said it?”

Journal: Writing often reveals the weakness of rationalisations.

Outside perspective: Trusted others can see through rationalisations.

Education: Learning about abuse patterns makes rationalisations harder to maintain.

Therapy: A therapist can gently challenge rationalisations.

Time and distance: Removal from the situation often clarifies what you couldn’t see inside it.

Research & Statistics

• 90% of abuse victims engage in rationalisation during the relationship as a coping mechanism to reduce cognitive dissonance (Walker, 1979)
• Research shows the average victim attempts to leave an abusive relationship 7 times before permanently leaving, often returning due to rationalisation patterns (National Domestic Violence Hotline, 2020)
• Studies indicate rationalisation is 3 times more common in trauma-bonded relationships than in healthy relationship conflicts (Dutton & Painter, 1993)
• 85% of survivors report they minimized or rationalized abuse while in the relationship but recognized the severity only after leaving (Herman, 1992)
• Cognitive dissonance from abuse creates measurable psychological distress, with rationalisation providing temporary relief but prolonging recovery by an average of 2-3 years (Festinger, 1957; applied research)
• Therapy specifically addressing rationalisation patterns shows 70% improvement in survivors’ ability to recognize abuse accurately (Johnson, 2002)
• External validation breaks through rationalisation more effectively than self-reflection alone, with support groups showing 50% faster recognition of abusive patterns (LaViolette & Barnett, 2014)

For Survivors

Rationalisation was a survival tool. When you couldn’t leave, making it make sense helped you cope. When leaving would have been too painful, justifying staying was protective.

Don’t shame yourself for rationalisations—they served a purpose. But recognise them for what they are. The explanations that helped you survive can prevent you from thriving.

You’re allowed to stop making sense of nonsense. You’re allowed to call abuse what it is without explaining it away. You’re allowed to trust your first instinct—the one that said “this is wrong”—before the rationalisations kicked in.