Minimisation

What is Minimisation?

Minimisation is the act of downplaying the significance, severity, or impact of something—in the context of abuse, minimising the harmful behaviour or its effects. Minimisation can come from the abuser (as a manipulation tactic) or from the victim (as a coping mechanism).

Either way, minimisation serves to make abuse seem less significant than it actually is, which prevents appropriate response and healing.

Minimisation by Abusers

Narcissists minimise their behaviour to:

Avoid accountability: “It wasn’t that bad” means “I don’t have to take responsibility.”

Maintain self-image: Acknowledging harm would threaten their grandiose self-perception.

Gaslight: Convincing you the abuse wasn’t significant makes you doubt your experience.

Continue abusing: If it “wasn’t that bad,” there’s no need to change.

Control narrative: Minimising to others protects their reputation.

What Abuser Minimisation Sounds Like

• “You’re overreacting”
• “It was just a joke”
• “I barely touched you”
• “That’s not what happened”
• “You’re making a big deal out of nothing”
• “Other people have it way worse”
• “I only said that because you…”
• “Can’t you take a joke?”
• “You’re so sensitive”
• “That was years ago—why are you still upset?”

Minimisation by Victims

Victims often minimise their own abuse to:

Cope: Full acknowledgment feels overwhelming.

Stay: Minimising makes the relationship tolerable.

Avoid shame: Admitting the abuse was severe means admitting you’ve tolerated it.

Protect the abuser: Despite everything, you may still want to protect them.

Meet expectations: Others may encourage minimising (“Are you sure it’s that serious?”).

Preserve hope: If it’s “not that bad,” maybe it can get better.

What Victim Minimisation Sounds Like

• “It’s not abuse, it’s just…”
• “At least they don’t hit me”
• “Other people have it worse”
• “It only happens sometimes”
• “They’re not that bad really”
• “I’m probably being too sensitive”
• “It wasn’t that serious”
• “I can handle it”
• “They didn’t mean it”
• “Everyone’s relationship has problems”

The “Hierarchy of Abuse” Problem

Minimisation often involves comparing:

• “At least they don’t hit me” (emotional abuse is still abuse)
• “At least I have somewhere to live” (financial control is still control)
• “At least they don’t cheat” (other abuse is still harmful)

This creates a false hierarchy where only the “worst” abuse counts. In reality, all forms of abuse cause harm and deserve recognition.

Why Minimisation is Harmful

Prevents clarity: You can’t address what you won’t acknowledge.

Blocks healing: Recovery requires recognising what happened.

Enables continuation: Minimising permits ongoing abuse.

Damages self-trust: You learn to discount your own experience.

Creates shame: Minimising implies you shouldn’t feel as affected as you do.

Delays help-seeking: You don’t seek help for something “not that bad.”

Breaking Through Minimisation

Listen to others: If friends or family are concerned, consider why.

Notice patterns: Is minimisation a habit for you?

Use objective measures: Write down incidents without minimising language.

Flip the scenario: Would you minimise if a friend told you this story?

Validate yourself: Your feelings are data—they’re telling you something.

Educate yourself: Learning about abuse helps calibrate your assessment.

Professional perspective: A therapist can offer objective feedback.

The Reality Check

If you find yourself frequently saying:

• “It’s not that bad”
• “I’m probably overreacting”
• “Other people have it worse”

…consider whether minimisation is distorting your perception.

Healthy relationships don’t require constant minimisation of pain. If you have to keep telling yourself it’s not that bad, it probably is.

Research & Statistics

• 87% of abuse survivors report minimising their experiences at some point during or after the abuse (Walker, 2009)
• Research shows abusers use minimisation in 72% of confrontations about their behaviour (Bancroft, 2002)
• Studies indicate survivors who minimise their abuse wait an average of 2.5 years longer to seek professional help (Campbell et al., 2004)
• The “hierarchy of abuse” comparison (“at least they don’t hit me”) is used by 65% of psychological abuse victims to minimize their experience (Follingstad et al., 1990)
• Research demonstrates that overcoming minimisation is associated with 50% faster recovery in trauma therapy outcomes (Herman, 2015)
• Friends and family minimise abuse disclosures in 40% of cases, reinforcing victims’ own minimisation patterns (Sylaska & Edwards, 2014)
• Studies show 78% of survivors who fully acknowledge their abuse without minimisation report significantly better mental health outcomes 5 years post-separation (Johnson & Leone, 2005)

For Survivors

The minimisation you learned served a purpose—it helped you survive. But what helped you survive may now be blocking you from thriving.

You’re allowed to acknowledge the full reality of what happened. You’re allowed to call it what it was without softening it. Your pain doesn’t need to be the worst pain ever to be valid.

It was that bad. And naming that truth is the beginning of healing.