DARVO

What is DARVO?

DARVO is an acronym describing a common response pattern used by perpetrators of abuse when confronted with their behaviour. Coined by psychologist Jennifer Freyd, it stands for:

• Deny the behaviour
• Attack the person confronting them
• Reverse Victim and Offender

This pattern is remarkably consistent across different types of abuse and abusers. Understanding DARVO helps survivors recognise when they’re being manipulated rather than having a genuine conversation.

The Three Stages of DARVO

Stage 1: Deny

The abuser flatly denies the abusive behaviour occurred:

• “That never happened”
• “You’re making things up”
• “I don’t know what you’re talking about”
• “You’re remembering it wrong”
• “That’s not what I said/did”

The denial may be direct or may involve reframing the event: “I didn’t yell—I was just expressing frustration.”

Stage 2: Attack

When denial doesn’t work, the abuser attacks the person confronting them:

• Questioning their sanity: “You’re crazy”
• Questioning their motives: “You’re just trying to make me look bad”
• Attacking their character: “You’re so dramatic/sensitive/vindictive”
• Attacking their credibility: “No one would believe you”
• Threatening consequences: “If you keep this up, I’ll…”

The attack serves to intimidate, to shift focus, and to put the accuser on the defensive.

Stage 3: Reverse Victim and Offender

The most disorienting part: the abuser claims they are actually the victim:

• “You’re abusing ME by making these accusations”
• “I’m the one being attacked here”
• “Look what you’re putting me through”
• “You’re destroying me with your lies”
• “I’m the real victim in this relationship”

By the end, the original victim is often apologising to their abuser.

DARVO in Action

Situation: You confront a narcissist about humiliating you at a party.

DARVO Response:

• Deny: “I didn’t humiliate you. You’re overreacting.”
• Attack: “You’re always so sensitive. You can’t take a joke. You want to control how I talk. You’re being ridiculous.”
• Reverse V&O: “Actually, YOU humiliated ME by making a scene afterward. I can’t believe you’re attacking me like this. I’m the one who should be upset.”

Result: You’re now defending yourself against accusations rather than addressing the original harm.

Why DARVO Works

It exploits your doubt: If you’re already questioning yourself (common in abuse), DARVO amplifies that doubt.

It activates your empathy: When they claim victim status, your natural empathy kicks in.

It puts you on defence: You’re now responding to their accusations instead of pursuing accountability.

It’s overwhelming: The rapid shift is disorienting, making it hard to maintain your original point.

It has social support: Society often enables abuser-as-victim narratives, especially from men or authority figures.

Recognising DARVO

Warning signs you’re experiencing DARVO:

• The conversation has completely reversed—you’re now apologising
• You can’t remember what you originally wanted to discuss
• You feel like you’re the one who did something wrong
• They’re claiming to be hurt by being “accused”
• You feel guilty for bringing up a legitimate concern
• The focus is now on how you confronted them, not what you confronted them about

How to Respond to DARVO

Name it silently: Recognise “This is DARVO” without necessarily saying it aloud.

Stay focused: “I understand you feel that way. Right now, I want to talk about [original issue].”

Don’t JADE: Don’t Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain. This feeds the DARVO cycle.

Document: If possible, have a record of what actually happened.

Disengage: “I can see we’re not going to have a productive conversation about this right now.”

Seek support: Talk to someone who can validate your reality.

DARVO and Institutional Betrayal

DARVO is used by institutions too:

• Companies denying workplace harassment
• Churches denying clergy abuse
• Schools denying bullying
• Governments denying human rights violations

The pattern is the same: deny the harm, attack those reporting it, and claim the institution is being victimised by “attacks” on its reputation.

The Impact of DARVO

Experiencing repeated DARVO leads to:

• Chronic self-doubt
• Reluctance to confront issues
• Feeling like the abuser in the relationship
• Confusion about who is actually being harmed
• Isolation (others may believe the DARVO narrative)
• Complex trauma responses

Research & Statistics

• 67% of accused perpetrators use DARVO responses when confronted with allegations (Harsey, Zurbriggen & Freyd, 2017)
• Studies show DARVO is perceived as more credible by observers than straightforward denials (Darvo, Freyd 2020)
• Research indicates survivors who experience DARVO are 2-3 times more likely to blame themselves for the abuse
• 81% of sexual assault survivors in one study reported experiencing at least one DARVO component from their perpetrators (Harsey & Freyd, 2020)
• Institutional DARVO responses are associated with 40% higher rates of secondary traumatization in survivors
• The DARVO pattern appears cross-culturally with similar frequency in studies conducted in North America, Europe, and Asia (Freyd, 2022)

For Survivors

Recognising DARVO is often a pivotal moment in recovery:

• It validates that you’re not crazy—there’s a name for what happens
• It helps you stop engaging with a rigged game
• It explains why conversations never led to resolution
• It releases you from trying to “communicate better”
• It reveals the manipulation was always the point

You weren’t failing to communicate. You were being deliberately manipulated by someone who would never acknowledge harm they caused.