APA Citation
Campbell, S. (2018). But It's Your Family: Cutting Ties with Toxic Family Members and Loving Yourself in the Aftermath. Author Academy Elite.
Summary
Psychologist Sherrie Campbell addresses one of the most painful decisions survivors face: whether and how to cut ties with toxic family members. Drawing on professional experience and personal history, she validates the legitimacy of family estrangement when relationships involve abuse, manipulation, or persistent toxicity. The book provides framework for making this decision, managing guilt, handling others' reactions, and building a fulfilling life after estrangement.
Why This Matters for Survivors
"But they're family" is often used to pressure survivors into maintaining relationships with abusive relatives. Campbell's book validates that some family relationships are genuinely harmful and that estrangement can be healthy. For those who have cut ties with narcissistic family members—or are considering it—this provides support and framework for a decision society often doesn't understand.
What This Work Establishes
Family estrangement can be healthy. When family relationships involve persistent abuse or toxicity, distancing may be the most psychologically healthy choice. The decision isn’t pathological but potentially protective.
Guilt is expected but not decisive. Guilt often accompanies estrangement, installed through years of family programming. Feeling guilty doesn’t mean you’ve done wrong; it means you’re human and have been conditioned to prioritize others’ needs.
Grief is part of the process. Estrangement involves mourning—the parent you wanted, the family that could have been, the hope that things would change. This grief deserves acknowledgment.
Chosen family can replace biology. When biological family fails, relationships chosen based on mutual care and respect can provide the connection and belonging humans need. Family is ultimately about how people treat each other.
Why This Matters for Survivors
Validation of a difficult choice. If you’ve cut off narcissistic family members, society may not understand. Campbell validates that some family relationships are genuinely harmful and estrangement is legitimate.
Managing guilt. The guilt you feel was often installed by the very person you’re distancing from. Understanding this helps distinguish genuine conscience from programming.
Handling pressure. “But it’s your mother/father/family” reflects assumptions that don’t account for abuse. You don’t owe explanations to those who can’t understand.
Building forward. Life after estrangement involves grief but also possibility—creating relationships and community based on genuine care rather than obligation.
Clinical Implications
Validate estrangement when appropriate. Clinicians may need to support decisions that go against cultural ideals of family unity. When estrangement protects mental health, it deserves clinical support.
Address guilt therapeutically. Explore where guilt originated—often from the toxic family member. Help clients distinguish guilt as programming from guilt as conscience.
Support grief. Estrangement involves loss. Make space for mourning what was wanted but never existed, even while supporting the estrangement decision.
Help build alternatives. Support clients in developing “chosen family” and community that provides genuine connection and support.
How This Work Is Used in the Book
Campbell’s work appears in chapters on protecting yourself and recovery:
“Society insists ‘But it’s your family’ as though biology creates obligation regardless of treatment. Sherrie Campbell’s work validates what many survivors know: some family relationships are genuinely toxic, and estrangement may be the healthiest choice. The guilt you feel was often installed by the person you’re distancing from. Understanding this helps: guilt is a feeling, not a verdict. You’re allowed to protect yourself, even when—especially when—the harm comes from family.”
Historical Context
Family estrangement has historically been stigmatized and hidden. Recent research suggests it’s more common than assumed—one study found about one-quarter of Americans are estranged from a family member. Campbell’s 2018 book contributed to more open discussion of a topic many experience but few discuss.
The book reflects growing recognition that “family values” rhetoric can be weaponized against abuse survivors, pressuring them to maintain harmful relationships. Campbell provides permission and framework for a decision that may be essential for healing but receives little cultural support.
Further Reading
- Forward, S. (1989). Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life. Bantam.
- McBride, K. (2008). Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers. Free Press.
- Cloud, H., & Townsend, J. (1992). Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life. Zondervan.
- Pillemer, K. (2020). Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them. Avery.
About the Author
Sherrie Campbell, PhD is a licensed psychologist in California specializing in family dynamics, toxic relationships, and emotional healing. She is both a clinician and someone who has navigated her own family estrangement.
Campbell's work addresses a topic rarely discussed openly: that some families are genuinely toxic and that distancing may be necessary for emotional health. Her dual perspective as clinician and survivor informs the book.
Historical Context
Published in 2018, this book appeared as discussion of family estrangement was becoming more open. Research was emerging on how common estrangement actually is and its legitimate psychological basis. Campbell's book contributed to reducing stigma around a decision many make but few discuss.
Frequently Asked Questions
Yes. When family relationships involve ongoing abuse, manipulation, or toxicity that persists despite attempts to address it, estrangement may be the healthiest choice. 'Family' doesn't obligate you to accept harm. Protecting yourself is legitimate.
Campbell suggests asking: Does this relationship consistently harm your wellbeing? Have you tried to address problems without success? Does contact leave you anxious, depressed, or destabilized? Is the person unwilling or unable to change? If yes to these, estrangement deserves consideration.
Society idealizes family bonds. You may face pressure ('But it's your mother!'), your own guilt and grief, and loss of other family relationships. The decision also involves mourning the family you deserved but didn't have. It's hard because multiple losses are involved.
People who haven't experienced toxic family often can't understand. You don't owe explanations. Brief responses ('We're not in contact') and changing the subject protect your energy. Those who pressure you to reconcile without understanding the situation aren't supporting you.
Guilt often decreases as you experience the benefits of peace and distance. Understanding that guilt was often installed by the toxic family member themselves helps. Guilt is a feeling, not a verdict—feeling guilty doesn't mean you've done wrong.
Estrangement involves grief—mourning the relationship you wanted, the family you deserved, the hope that things would improve. This grief is legitimate and needs processing. You can grieve what you lost while knowing estrangement was necessary.
Estrangement doesn't have to be permanent. Some people eventually resume limited contact; others don't. The decision should be based on your wellbeing, not pressure. If circumstances genuinely change, reconsideration is possible—but only if you choose it.
Campbell emphasizes creating 'chosen family'—relationships based on mutual care rather than obligation. This involves investing in supportive relationships, building community, and recognizing that family is defined by love and respect, not just biology.