APA Citation
Lyons, M., Brewer, G., Hartley, A., & Blinkhorn, V. (2023). "Never Learned to Love Properly": A Qualitative Study Exploring Romantic Relationship Experiences in Adult Children of Narcissistic Parents. *Social Sciences*, 12(3), 159. https://doi.org/10.3390/socsci12030159
Summary
This qualitative study directly examined how growing up with narcissistic parents affects adult romantic relationships. Participants described chronic low self-esteem, hypervigilance, people-pleasing patterns, difficulty identifying their own needs, and vulnerability to choosing narcissistic partners themselves. Many reported feeling they "never learned to love properly"—their childhood provided no model for healthy relationships. A particularly striking finding: participants reported feeling more anxious about sharing successes than failures, having learned that success triggered parental cruelty. This inverted dynamic makes sense when achievement historically provoked punishment.
Why This Matters for Survivors
If you grew up with a narcissistic parent and struggle in romantic relationships—choosing unavailable partners, tolerating mistreatment, losing yourself in relationships, or avoiding intimacy entirely—this research validates your experience as the predictable outcome of your upbringing. You didn't fail to "learn to love properly" through some personal defect; you were never taught. The patterns you struggle with—hypervigilance, people-pleasing, difficulty knowing what you want—are adaptations that made sense in childhood. Understanding this shifts the question from "what's wrong with me?" to "how do I learn what I was never taught?"
What This Research Found
“Never learned to love properly.” Participants consistently described lacking basic relationship knowledge that others seemed to possess naturally. Their childhood model of “love” was conditional, exploitative, and parent-focused. Without exposure to healthy love, they didn’t know what to seek or create in adult relationships.
Success feels more dangerous than failure. A striking finding: participants reported more anxiety about sharing achievements than admitting failures. In narcissistic families, children’s success threatens the parent, triggering devaluation or sabotage. This inverted pattern persists into adulthood—celebrating good news feels risky.
Identifiable pattern of relationship difficulties. The study documented:
- Chronic low self-esteem affecting partner choice
- Hypervigilance (constant scanning for partner displeasure)
- People-pleasing at expense of own needs
- Difficulty identifying what they actually want
- Vulnerability to choosing narcissistic partners
- Attachment disruption affecting intimacy capacity
“Double lives” as protective adaptation. Some participants described maintaining separate selves: a successful external self hidden from the narcissistic parent, and a diminished self presented at home. This protected against parental envy but created integration difficulties in adulthood.
Why This Matters for Survivors
Your relationship struggles have identifiable causes. If you’ve wondered why you keep choosing unavailable partners, lose yourself in relationships, tolerate mistreatment, or can’t seem to relax into intimacy—this research identifies these patterns as predictable outcomes of narcissistic parenting. You’re not uniquely broken; you’re experiencing documented effects of a documented cause.
You weren’t taught what others learned. Children in healthy families learn about love through experiencing it—consistent care, celebrated achievements, respected boundaries, modeled relationships. You didn’t get this education. The “basic relationship skills” that seem to come naturally to others aren’t natural—they’re learned. You can learn them now, though the learning is harder in adulthood.
Your adaptations made sense. The hypervigilance, the people-pleasing, the achievement-hiding—these aren’t character flaws but survival strategies that worked in childhood. The problem isn’t that you developed them; it’s that they persist in contexts where they’re no longer needed and actively harmful.
Vulnerability to narcissistic partners isn’t stupidity. If you’ve repeatedly found yourself with partners who replicate your parent’s patterns, understand why: the dynamics feel familiar, the red flags look like normal, and your learned patterns (people-pleasing, self-abandonment) mesh with narcissistic partners’ needs. Recognizing this pattern is the first step to changing it.
Clinical Implications
Validate the specific narcissistic parenting experience. Adult children of narcissists often haven’t had their experience recognized—even by previous therapists. Explicit acknowledgment that narcissistic parenting creates specific, documented patterns supports therapeutic alliance and reduces isolation.
Address attachment before behavioral change. The relationship patterns identified emerge from attachment wounds. Teaching “communication skills” without addressing underlying attachment disruption is unlikely to produce lasting change. Attachment-informed treatment addresses the roots, not just the symptoms.
Help patients identify their own needs. A core deficit from narcissistic parenting is difficulty knowing what you want—your needs were irrelevant or dangerous in childhood. Therapy should actively support developing this capacity, not assume it exists.
Educate about pattern recognition. Patients may not recognize that their relationship patterns connect to childhood experience. Psychoeducation about how narcissistic parenting affects adult relationships can be illuminating and motivating.
Build capacity for healthy relationships. Since patients may never have experienced healthy love, therapy and other relationships can provide first exposure and practice. This goes beyond insight to actual relational learning.
How This Research Is Used in the Book
Lyons’ research appears in Chapter 8: Behavioral Manifestations to explain why children of narcissists hide achievements:
“Some children of narcissistic parents develop ‘double lives’: a successful external self hidden from the parent with a diminished self presented at home… Many report feeling more anxious throughout their lives about sharing successes than failures—an inverted dynamic that makes developmental sense when success historically triggered cruelty.”
It also appears in Chapter 20: A Field Guide documenting long-term effects:
“Long-term effects: chronic low self-esteem, hypervigilance, people-pleasing, difficulty identifying your own needs, attachment disruption, vulnerability to narcissistic partners.”
Historical Context
Published in 2023, this study reflects growing research attention to adult children of narcissistic parents. While clinicians had long recognized this population’s struggles, systematic research was limited. This qualitative study allowed participants to describe their experiences in their own words, revealing patterns that aligned with clinical observations while adding nuance and detail.
The finding about achievement anxiety is particularly notable—it captures an experience many adult children of narcissists recognize but may not have articulated or understood. The research validates experiential knowledge while providing empirical documentation useful for clinical and educational purposes.
Further Reading
- McBride, K. (2008). Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers. Atria Books.
- Gibson, L.C. (2015). Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. New Harbinger Publications.
- Payson, E.D. (2002). The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family. Julian Day Publications.
- Brown, N.W. (2008). Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up’s Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents. New Harbinger Publications.
- Durvasula, R. (2019). “Don’t You Know Who I Am?”: How to Stay Sane in an Era of Narcissism, Entitlement, and Incivility. Post Hill Press.
About the Author
Minna Lyons, PhD is a senior lecturer in psychology at the University of Liverpool. Her research focuses on individual differences, including the Dark Triad traits, and their expression in relationships and social behavior.
This study is part of growing research specifically examining the experiences of adult children of narcissistic parents—a population whose struggles had been clinically recognized but understudied empirically. The qualitative methodology allowed participants to describe their experiences in their own words, revealing patterns that quantitative research might miss.
Historical Context
Published in 2023, this study reflects increasing research attention to adult children of narcissistic parents as a distinct population. While clinical literature had long recognized the impact of narcissistic parenting, systematic research specifically examining romantic relationship outcomes had been limited. This study contributes to an evidence base for what clinicians had observed: that narcissistic parenting creates specific, identifiable patterns in adult relationships.
Frequently Asked Questions
Participants consistently described feeling they lacked basic relationship skills that others seemed to possess naturally. Growing up, their model of 'love' was conditional, exploitative, and focused on the parent's needs. They never witnessed or experienced healthy love, so they didn't know what to seek or how to create it. This isn't character failing—it's educational deprivation.
In healthy families, children's achievements are celebrated. In narcissistic families, children's success threatens the parent, triggering devaluation, criticism, or sabotage. Children learn that achievement is dangerous—better to downplay or hide it. This inverted response persists into adulthood, where sharing good news feels more threatening than admitting failure.
The study identified: chronic low self-esteem, hypervigilance (constantly scanning for partner displeasure), people-pleasing at the expense of self, difficulty identifying own needs and preferences, vulnerability to choosing narcissistic partners, and attachment disruption. These aren't random dysfunctions but coherent adaptations to narcissistic parenting.
The dynamics feel familiar—the intensity, the intermittent reinforcement, the focus on the other's needs. Children of narcissists may mistake control for love, intensity for passion, and their partner's preoccupation for attention. They also may not recognize red flags that would be obvious to those with healthier upbringings, because the red flags describe their 'normal.'
Hypervigilance—constantly scanning for signs of displeasure—was survival skill with a narcissistic parent. In adult relationships, it manifests as exhausting monitoring of partner mood, over-reading cues, and difficulty relaxing into the relationship. Partners may find this attention intrusive or exhausting; the adult child may feel unable to stop.
Some children of narcissists develop separate selves: a successful external self hidden from the parent, and a diminished self presented at home. This protected them from the parent's envy and attacks on achievement. The pattern can persist into adulthood as difficulty integrating success into identity, or sabotaging achievements before they trigger the internalized parental response.
Yes—through awareness, therapy, and practice. Understanding that the patterns are learned (not inherent) supports change. Therapy can address underlying attachment wounds. New relationships can provide corrective experiences. The research on 'earned security' shows that insecure attachment from childhood can be modified through intentional work.
Therapy should: validate the specific experience of narcissistic parenting; address the attachment wounds underlying relationship patterns; build awareness of how childhood adaptations play out in adult relationships; practice identifying own needs and preferences; and support developing new relational patterns. Understanding the developmental origins of patterns supports compassionate change.