APA Citation
Rappoport, A. (2005). Co-Narcissism: How We Accommodate to Narcissistic Parents. *The Therapist*, 16(2), 36-44.
Summary
Psychologist Alan Rappoport introduces "co-narcissism"—the complementary adaptation that develops in those raised by narcissistic parents. Co-narcissists learn to organize their sense of self around others' needs, suppress their own feelings and opinions, and work constantly to please others and avoid conflict. They become exquisitely attuned to others' moods while losing touch with their own internal states. This adaptation, essential for surviving a narcissistic parent, creates vulnerability to narcissistic partners in adulthood—co-narcissists unconsciously seek relationships that recreate familiar dynamics.
Why This Matters for Survivors
If you grew up with a narcissistic parent, you likely developed co-narcissistic patterns—organizing around others' needs, suppressing your own feelings, becoming hyperattuned to others' moods while disconnected from your own. This wasn't a choice but a survival adaptation. Understanding co-narcissism explains why you may have been drawn to narcissistic partners and why breaking these patterns requires conscious work.
What This Research Establishes
Co-narcissism is a survival adaptation. Children of narcissistic parents develop characteristic patterns: focusing on others’ needs, suppressing their own feelings, becoming hyperattuned to others’ moods. These adaptations were necessary for survival.
The authentic self becomes suppressed. Co-narcissists lose connection with their own internal experience—their feelings, needs, preferences become inaccessible because they learned these didn’t matter and caused trouble when expressed.
Co-narcissism creates vulnerability to narcissistic partners. The complementary dynamic is unconsciously attractive: co-narcissists seek what feels familiar, and their attunement to others’ needs makes them ideal partners for narcissists.
Recovery requires rebuilding the suppressed self. Healing from co-narcissism involves reconnecting with authentic feelings and needs, learning these matter, developing boundaries, and practicing self-expression.
Why This Matters for Survivors
Naming your experience. If you grew up organizing around a narcissistic parent’s needs, suppressing your own feelings, becoming hyperattuned to their moods—this has a name. Co-narcissism describes the adaptation you developed to survive.
Understanding relationship patterns. If you’ve repeatedly ended up with narcissistic partners, co-narcissism explains why. The dynamic feels familiar; your attunement to others makes you attractive to narcissists. This wasn’t bad judgment but unconscious pattern.
The lost self. The difficulty knowing what you feel, what you want, who you are—this comes from suppressing your authentic self to survive your childhood. Recovery involves finding what was buried, not creating something new.
It can change. Co-narcissistic patterns, though deeply ingrained, can be unlearned. With conscious work, you can reconnect with your own experience, develop boundaries, and build relationships that don’t recreate childhood dynamics.
Clinical Implications
Assess for co-narcissistic patterns. Patients raised by narcissistic parents likely developed co-narcissistic adaptations. These patterns affect current relationships and wellbeing.
Help reconnect with authentic self. Therapy involves helping patients identify their own feelings and needs—often difficult when these were suppressed from childhood. This is recovery of what existed, not creation of something new.
Explain the attraction to narcissists. Help patients understand why they’ve been drawn to narcissistic partners—the familiar dynamic, the complementary patterns. Understanding reduces self-blame and enables different choices.
Build boundaries and self-expression. Co-narcissistic patterns involve poor boundaries and suppressed self-expression. Skills work in these areas is essential for recovery.
How This Work Is Used in the Book
Rappoport’s concept appears throughout chapters on growing up with narcissistic parents:
“Alan Rappoport named what you became: co-narcissist. Growing up with a narcissistic parent, you learned their feelings mattered—yours didn’t. You became expert at reading their moods, meeting their needs, avoiding their displeasure. Your own experience went underground. This adaptation was essential for survival then; it’s devastating now. The difficulty knowing what you feel, the people-pleasing, the loss of yourself in relationships, the unconscious attraction to narcissistic partners—all manifestations of co-narcissism. Recovery means finding the authentic self you buried to survive, learning that your feelings and needs matter, that you’re allowed to take up space.”
Historical Context
Published in 2005, this article provided language for patterns that clinicians and survivors had long observed. The concept of co-narcissism helped explain not just the effects of narcissistic parenting but the complementary dynamic that draws adult children of narcissists to narcissistic partners.
The term has become widely used in both clinical and popular literature on narcissistic abuse, providing a framework for understanding how early adaptation to narcissistic parents shapes adult patterns.
Further Reading
- McBride, K. (2008). Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers. Free Press.
- Miller, A. (1981). The Drama of the Gifted Child. Basic Books.
- Payson, E. (2002). The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists. Julian Day Publications.
- Brown, N.W. (2008). Children of the Self-Absorbed. New Harbinger.
About the Author
Alan Rappoport, PhD is a clinical psychologist specializing in the effects of narcissistic parenting. His concept of co-narcissism has become widely used in understanding how children adapt to narcissistic parents and carry these adaptations into adulthood.
Rappoport's work has been particularly influential in helping adult children of narcissists understand their patterns.
Historical Context
Published in 2005, this article named a pattern that clinicians and survivors had long observed: children of narcissists develop characteristic adaptations that persist into adulthood. The concept of co-narcissism provided language for this experience and helped explain the attraction between narcissists and their partners—they unconsciously recognize each other as familiar.
Frequently Asked Questions
Co-narcissism is the complementary adaptation that develops in those raised by narcissistic parents. Co-narcissists organize their sense of self around others' needs, suppress their own feelings, and become hyperattuned to others' moods while losing connection to their own internal experience.
Children with narcissistic parents learn that their own feelings don't matter—only the parent's feelings matter. To survive, they become experts at reading and meeting others' needs while suppressing their own. This adaptation, essential in childhood, becomes problematic in adulthood.
The relationship is complementary: narcissists need someone to focus on them; co-narcissists have learned to focus on others. Each unconsciously recognizes the other as familiar. The co-narcissist's attunement to others' needs makes them ideal supply for narcissists.
Difficulty knowing your own feelings, excessive focus on others' moods and needs, people-pleasing, conflict avoidance, apologizing excessively, difficulty setting boundaries, feeling responsible for others' emotions, and loss of sense of self in relationships.
There's significant overlap, but co-narcissism specifically describes adaptations to narcissistic parenting. Codependency is broader. Co-narcissism emphasizes the loss of authentic self and organization around others' narcissistic needs specifically.
Yes, but it requires conscious work. Recovery involves reconnecting with your own feelings and needs, learning that these matter, developing boundaries, and practicing authentic self-expression. Therapy can help rebuild the self that was suppressed.
Co-narcissism involves normalizing the narcissistic parent's behavior and organizing around it rather than questioning it. Recognition often comes later, when patterns repeat in adult relationships or through therapy or reading that provides new framework.
You may unconsciously seek narcissistic partners because the dynamic feels familiar. You may have difficulty expressing needs, set poor boundaries, and lose yourself in relationships. Recovery involves learning new relationship patterns.