Payson, E. (2002) | References | Narcissus and the Child

What This Research Found

Eleanor Payson's The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists represents a landmark in translating clinical understanding of narcissism into accessible guidance for those living with its effects. Published in 2002, the book uses L. Frank Baum's beloved story as an extended metaphor for understanding how narcissists present grandiose facades while hiding fundamental emptiness—and how survivors can find their way home to themselves.

The Wizard metaphor as clinical framework: Payson's central insight is that the Wizard's operation—impressive machinery producing terrifying effects, operated by an ordinary frightened man behind a curtain—perfectly captures narcissistic dynamics. The narcissist's grandiosity, demands, and intimidation are carefully produced effects designed to maintain an image of power and specialness. Behind the curtain lies someone profoundly afraid of being seen as ordinary, empty, or inadequate. Understanding this allows survivors to stop trying to appease the impressive facade and start recognising the manipulation machinery for what it is. Like Dorothy, survivors can move from terrified supplication to clear-eyed recognition of reality.

Loyalty binds and impossible choices: One of Payson's most clinically useful contributions is identifying the "loyalty bind"—situations the narcissist constructs where the victim must choose between their own wellbeing and their obligation to the narcissist, with both choices framed as losing propositions. The parent who threatens suicide if the adult child moves away; the partner who develops mysterious illnesses whenever the victim pursues personal interests; the family member whose crises coincide suspiciously with the victim's successes—these aren't coincidences but manipulation strategies. Loyalty binds keep victims trapped by making self-care feel like cruelty. Payson's framework helps survivors recognise these binds as manufactured rather than genuine moral dilemmas, opening space for boundary setting without drowning in guilt.

Triangulation as alliance prevention: Payson provides detailed analysis of how narcissists use triangulation to prevent the formation of alliances that might threaten their control. In families, this manifests as the narcissistic parent positioning children against each other—creating golden children and scapegoats, sharing confidential information that breeds distrust, using comparison to maintain competition. "Why can't you be more like your cousin?" extends the triangulation beyond the immediate family, creating an endless maze of comparison where no one ever measures up. In romantic relationships, triangulation may involve ex-partners, potential rivals, or even children used as pawns. The narcissist positions themselves as the hub through which all relationships must pass, preventing direct connections that might compare notes on the narcissist's behaviour.

One-way relationships and energy drain: Payson introduces the concept of the "one-way relationship"—a dynamic where emotional energy, attention, and care flow in only one direction: toward the narcissist. These relationships leave victims exhausted not because relationships are inherently draining but because reciprocity never arrives. The victim gives and gives, hoping that enough investment will eventually yield return. Payson explains why this hope persists despite evidence: intermittent reinforcement (occasional moments of apparent care), trauma bonding, and the narcissist's skill at convincing victims that they're the ones failing to give enough. Recovery begins with recognising that the one-way flow isn't a problem to solve through more giving but a fundamental characteristic of the relationship.

Reality distortion and its effects: Payson examines how narcissists systematically undermine victims' trust in their own perceptions—what we now commonly call gaslighting. Statements are denied, memories are challenged, reactions are labelled as oversensitive or crazy. The effect is to transfer the narcissist's reality—where they are always right, always the victim, never responsible for harm—into the victim's mind. Victims often describe feeling "crazy" in these relationships not because they are but because their reality-testing systems are under constant attack. Payson emphasises that recovering clear perception is both essential and difficult: essential because you cannot protect yourself if you don't trust your perceptions, difficult because the attack has been sustained and systematic.

Recovery as a staged process: Payson outlines recovery as moving through recognisable stages, from initial confusion through recognition of the dynamic, setting boundaries, potential reduction or elimination of contact, and rebuilding an authentic self. This framework normalises the recovery process—survivors often fear they're taking too long or doing it wrong. Payson's staged model suggests that each phase has its own work and its own timeline, that regression is common and doesn't indicate failure, and that the endpoint isn't "getting over it" but developing a new relationship with oneself and others based on realistic understanding rather than fantasy.

How This Research Is Used in the Book

Payson's work appears in Narcissus and the Child as a framework for understanding the specific mechanisms by which narcissistic parents maintain control over their children and how those patterns persist into adulthood. In Chapter 12: The Unseen Child, Payson's concept of triangulation illuminates how narcissistic parents systematically prevent siblings from becoming allies:

"Triangulation prevents siblings from seeing each other clearly. Payson describes the narcissistic parent whispering to each child about the others' failings, sharing 'secrets' that create artificial intimacy while sowing distrust. Children who might be natural allies become competitors, each fighting for the reflective position that seems safest."

This analysis explains why adult children of narcissists often struggle with sibling relationships—not because of genuine incompatibility but because the parent installed competition and distrust as the operating system for sibling interaction. The book uses Payson's framework to help survivors understand that healing family relationships may require recognising how they were set up to fail by parental manipulation.

Payson's concept of loyalty binds appears in the same chapter to explain why adult children find it so difficult to set boundaries with narcissistic parents:

"Payson describes 'loyalty binds'—situations where the child must choose between their own wellbeing and obligation to the parent: the parent threatening suicide if the child moves away, developing mysterious illnesses when the child starts dating, having financial crises whenever the child achieves success. These are impossible choices where self-care feels like betrayal."

The book uses this framework to validate survivors' experiences of feeling trapped while also pointing toward resolution: recognising the bind as manufactured rather than genuine allows for boundary setting without the paralysing guilt the narcissist installed.

The book also references Payson's caution about therapeutic approaches:

"Payson warns against therapists who push premature forgiveness, minimise emotional abuse, or encourage continued contact with abusive parents without adequate boundaries."

This clinical guidance helps survivors evaluate whether their treatment is appropriate and gives permission to seek different help if their therapist doesn't understand narcissistic abuse dynamics.

Why This Matters for Survivors

If you're navigating a relationship with a narcissist—or recovering from one—Payson's work offers both validation and roadmap.

The confusion is manufactured, not your failure. If you've felt crazy, stupid, or constantly wrong in a relationship with a narcissist, Payson's framework explains why. The narcissist needs you confused to maintain control. Clear perception would lead to recognition of manipulation and eventual departure. So clarity itself becomes the target of attack. Your sense of going crazy isn't a personal failing—it's evidence that sophisticated manipulation is working. This reframing shifts from self-blame to accurate understanding: there's nothing wrong with your perception; your perception is being systematically targeted because it threatens the narcissist's control.

The one-way flow isn't something you can fix by giving more. Many survivors have spent years, even decades, trying to make narcissistic relationships work by giving more, understanding better, being more patient, more forgiving, more accommodating. Payson's framework explains why this strategy always fails: the relationship's one-way structure isn't a problem of insufficient investment but its fundamental characteristic. You cannot give enough to someone whose needs are bottomless and whose capacity for reciprocity is absent. This recognition—painful as it is—can finally end the exhausting cycle of trying harder at something that cannot succeed.

Loyalty binds are traps, not genuine moral dilemmas. If you've felt that protecting yourself would make you a bad person—selfish, ungrateful, cruel—you've been caught in a loyalty bind. Payson's framework reveals these as manufactured constraints, not authentic ethical dilemmas. The narcissist frames your self-care as their harm precisely to prevent that self-care. Recognising the bind as manipulation doesn't make setting boundaries easy, but it does remove the paralysing sense that you're genuinely facing an impossible moral choice. You can protect yourself and still be a good person—the narcissist's framing notwithstanding.

Seeing behind the curtain changes everything. Like Dorothy's group discovering the ordinary man operating the Wizard's machinery, survivors often describe a moment when the narcissist's facade becomes transparent. The grandiosity, the drama, the intimidation—suddenly visible as performances rather than genuine power. This seeing cannot be unseen. It changes the entire relationship because the spell is broken. You may feel grief for the relationship you thought you had, anger at years spent appeasing an illusion, sadness for the frightened person behind the curtain—but you can never again be fully controlled by someone whose machinery you can see.

Recovery has stages, and you're not failing if it takes time. Payson's staged recovery model normalises what often feels like shamefully slow progress. Recognition, boundary-setting, contact decisions, self-rebuilding—each phase has its own work and timeline. Regression is common; healing isn't linear. If you're frustrated with yourself for still caring what the narcissist thinks, still getting pulled into drama, still doubting your perceptions despite everything you know—you're not failing. You're moving through a process that takes as long as it takes. The endpoint isn't reaching a state where the narcissist never affects you but developing a new relationship with yourself based on reality rather than the narcissist's manufactured version of it.

Clinical Implications

For psychiatrists, psychologists, and trauma-informed clinicians, Payson's framework offers practical tools for assessment and treatment of narcissistic abuse survivors.

Assessment must include relationship structure analysis. Payson's concept of one-way relationships provides a useful clinical lens. Assessing the direction of emotional energy flow, the distribution of caretaking, and the handling of each person's needs can reveal narcissistic dynamics that might otherwise be obscured. Patients often describe relationship problems without recognising the systematic one-sidedness; clinicians can listen for patterns of chronic giving without receiving, constant adjustment to the partner's moods without reciprocal accommodation, and exhaustion despite the patient's best efforts.

Loyalty binds require direct identification and naming. Patients caught in loyalty binds often present with paralysing guilt about self-protective choices. Clinicians can use Payson's framework to identify and name the bind explicitly: "You're describing a situation where protecting yourself has been framed as harming your parent. That framing itself is part of the problem." Externalising the bind—treating it as a manipulation strategy rather than a genuine moral dilemma—can provide crucial relief and open space for realistic boundary-setting.

Triangulation effects persist into adulthood. Adult patients' relationship difficulties with siblings, extended family, and even friends may trace back to triangulation patterns established in childhood. Clinicians should assess not just the patient's direct relationship with the narcissist but the secondary relationships that were shaped by triangulation. Treatment may include helping patients recognise how they've been positioned against potential allies and supporting direct relationship-building that bypasses the narcissist hub.

Reality-testing rebuilding requires patient, consistent work. Patients whose reality-testing has been compromised by sustained gaslighting need clinicians to serve as reliable reality anchors. This means consistent, non-defensive reflection of the patient's perceptions; validation that their experiences are real even when the narcissist denied them; and patient work rebuilding trust in their own observations. The therapeutic relationship itself becomes a corrective experience—someone who consistently treats the patient's perception as valid, in contrast to years of invalidation.

Staged recovery models inform treatment planning. Payson's recognition that recovery moves through identifiable stages—confusion, recognition, boundary-setting, contact decisions, self-rebuilding—helps clinicians match interventions to readiness. Pushing trauma processing before safety is established, or pushing forgiveness before anger has been fully felt, can undermine treatment. Using staged models allows clinicians to meet patients where they are while holding a map of where treatment may eventually go.

Caution regarding premature forgiveness or family reunion. Payson explicitly warns against therapeutic approaches that push forgiveness before patients are ready or that encourage continued contact with abusive family members without adequate boundary protection. Clinicians should resist cultural or religious pressures toward rapid reconciliation and instead support patients in making contact decisions based on their own wellbeing and realistic assessment of the narcissist's capacity for change.

Broader Implications

Payson's work extends beyond individual therapy to illuminate patterns across families, workplaces, and society.

Family Systems and Intergenerational Transmission

Payson's analysis of triangulation and role assignment in narcissistic families explains how dysfunction transmits across generations. The golden child may develop narcissistic traits themselves, having learned that their worth depends on performance and superiority. The scapegoat may internalise the role, continuing to be blamed and to blame themselves long after leaving the family. Children who witnessed triangulation may struggle to form alliances in adult relationships, having learned that direct connection is dangerous. Understanding these patterns allows for targeted intervention—helping adult children recognise installed patterns rather than personal failings, supporting direct sibling connection that bypasses the narcissist parent, and interrupting intergenerational transmission before it reaches the next generation.

Workplace Dynamics

Payson addresses narcissistic dynamics in workplace settings, where the power differential can make escape difficult and the professional context can obscure abuse as "demanding leadership" or "high standards." The narcissistic boss who claims credit for subordinates' work, creates competition among team members, and responds to feedback with rage or retaliation follows the same patterns as the narcissistic family member. Understanding these dynamics helps employees recognise what they're dealing with, develop protective strategies, and make informed decisions about whether the position is sustainable. HR professionals and organisational leaders can use Payson's framework to identify concerning patterns and create environments where narcissistic behaviour is less tolerated and rewarded.

Romantic Relationship Patterns

Payson's analysis of partner selection and trauma bonding explains the common pattern of survivors moving from one narcissistic relationship to another. The dynamics that feel "normal" have been established in childhood; the intensity of trauma bonding is mistaken for love; the narcissist's skill at identifying vulnerable targets keeps survivors caught. Understanding these patterns is essential for breaking the cycle—not just leaving one narcissist but developing the capacity to recognise and avoid future narcissistic partners while building tolerance for the initially unfamiliar experience of healthy, consistent love.

Cultural and Media Representations

The Wizard of Oz metaphor has cultural power precisely because the story is so familiar. Payson's use of it demonstrates how pop culture touchstones can make psychological concepts accessible. The image of pulling back the curtain has entered common discourse as a metaphor for seeing through deception. This cultural availability can facilitate conversations about narcissism that might otherwise be blocked by clinical terminology or discomfort.

Legal and Custody Contexts

Payson's framework has implications for how family courts and legal systems handle custody disputes involving narcissistic parents. The narcissist's impressive public presentation—charming, articulate, appearing to be the reasonable one—often succeeds in legal settings designed to evaluate surface behaviour rather than relationship dynamics. Understanding triangulation, loyalty binds, and reality distortion can help legal professionals recognise patterns that might otherwise favour the narcissist. The child's apparent preference for the narcissistic parent may reflect trauma bonding rather than healthy attachment; the other parent's apparent distress may reflect legitimate response to abuse rather than instability.

Limitations and Considerations

Payson's influential work has important limitations that inform its application.

Clinical rather than empirical foundation. Like much literature on narcissistic relationships, Payson's work emerges from clinical observation rather than controlled research. Her concepts have face validity and clinical utility but haven't been subjected to systematic empirical testing. Clinicians should use her framework as clinically useful heuristic rather than empirically established fact.

Limited engagement with neuroscience. Published in 2002, the book predates much of the neurobiological research on trauma bonding, attachment, and the effects of chronic stress on the brain. Contemporary clinicians may want to supplement Payson's psychological framework with neurobiological understanding of why these patterns are so difficult to change—it's not just that victims have wrong beliefs but that their nervous systems have been shaped by the relationship in ways that require more than insight to address.

Self-help limitations. As a self-help book, Payson's work is designed to be read without professional support. This accessibility is a strength but also means the material may be overwhelming or insufficient for severely traumatised readers. Those with significant dissociation, active suicidality, or limited ego strength may need professional support to engage safely with the material.

Binary framing may oversimplify. Payson's framework sometimes implies cleaner divisions between narcissists and victims than clinical reality suggests. Many relationships involve complex dynamics where both parties contribute to dysfunction, where narcissistic traits exist on a spectrum, and where the same person may be victim in one relationship and problematic in another. The framework is most useful when applied thoughtfully to specific situations rather than as a template for labelling people.

Cultural context requires adaptation. Payson writes from a Western, primarily American cultural context. How narcissistic dynamics manifest, what counts as appropriate self-protection, and how families are structured vary across cultures. The universal applicability of concepts like "one-way relationship" should be considered in cultural context rather than assumed.

Historical Context

The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists appeared in 2002, during a period when clinical understanding of narcissism was well-developed but public awareness remained limited. The book followed decades of psychoanalytic work by Kernberg and Kohut but preceded the explosion of online survivor communities that would later share experiences and validate each other's reality.

Payson wrote before the social media age transformed how narcissism is discussed and displayed. The platforms that would later provide narcissists new tools for public presentation and new venues for hoovering and stalking didn't yet exist. Nor did the online communities that would help survivors find each other and develop shared language for their experiences.

The book helped establish templates that subsequent self-help literature would follow: accessible language, practical coping strategies, validation of survivor experience, and realistic assessment of whether change is possible. Many books that followed built on frameworks Payson established or independently discovered similar patterns—testimony to how accurately she identified the core dynamics.

The Wizard of Oz metaphor itself has become cultural shorthand for seeing through facades to hidden reality. This language availability facilitates conversations about narcissism that might otherwise be blocked by clinical terminology or discomfort with discussing family dysfunction.

Two decades after publication, the book remains relevant because the dynamics it describes haven't changed. Narcissists still hide emptiness behind impressive facades; still create loyalty binds to prevent victim self-protection; still use triangulation to destroy potential alliances; still systematically attack victim reality-testing. The machinery behind the curtain operates the same way it always did—which is why survivors still find Payson's description recognisable and validating.

The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family

APA Citation