"Communication becomes purely functional. Answer questions with minimal information: 'Yes,' 'No,' 'I don't know,' 'Maybe.' Avoid elaboration, explanation, or emotion. If praised (rare but possible during hoovering), say 'Thank you' without reciprocating. The narcissist seeks engagement hooks; provide none."
What is Hoovering?
Hoovering is named after the vacuum cleaner—it describes the narcissist’s attempts to “suck” you back into a relationship after you’ve left or created distance. This tactic occurs when the narcissist’s current supply is insufficient and they return to former sources.
Hoovering can happen days, months, or even years after a relationship ends. The timing typically coincides with the narcissist’s need for supply, not genuine desire for reconciliation.
Why Narcissists Hoover
Supply depletion: Their current sources aren’t providing adequate attention, admiration, or emotional reactions.
Ego maintenance: Your leaving threatens their self-image. Getting you back “proves” they’re still desirable.
Control: They can’t accept that you chose to leave. Regaining access restores their sense of power.
Boredom: New relationships have lost their initial excitement.
Nostalgia: They remember the supply you provided (not the relationship itself).
Practical needs: Financial support, housing, childcare, or social connections.
Common Hoovering Tactics
The grand apology: Apparently sincere acknowledgment of their behaviour, promises to change, possibly accompanied by gestures like flowers or gifts.
The emergency: A sudden crisis requiring your help—health scare, financial trouble, family emergency. Often fabricated or exaggerated.
The casual contact: “I was just thinking about you” or “Saw something that reminded me of you.” Testing whether you’ll respond.
Flying monkeys: Using mutual friends or family to deliver messages or gather information about you.
Social media: Liking old posts, commenting on your photos, or posting content designed to get your attention.
The “accidental” run-in: Showing up at places you frequent. May claim coincidence.
Third-party manipulation: Involving your workplace, new partner, or family to create opportunities for contact.
The holiday/birthday message: Using special occasions as an excuse to reach out.
The threatening approach: “If you don’t talk to me, I’ll…” Escalates if softer approaches fail.
The victim play: “I’m so depressed without you.” “I can’t go on like this.”
Why Hoovering Works
Hoovering is effective because it activates:
Trauma bonding: Your conditioned attachment to the relationship is reactivated.
Hope: The apology suggests the loving version might finally become permanent.
Guilt: Especially with victim tactics or involving children.
Fear: If threats are involved or if you fear escalation.
Loneliness: You miss the good parts of the relationship.
Unfinished business: You never got closure or an explanation.
Warning Signs That Hoovering is Coming
- You’ve established no contact or strong boundaries
- They’ve recently experienced supply loss (breakup, job loss, social embarrassment)
- Significant dates are approaching (anniversaries, holidays)
- Mutual contacts mention them asking about you
- They’re appearing in places you frequent
- You notice their social media activity increase
How to Resist Hoovering
Remember why you left: Keep a list of the abuse you experienced. Read it when tempted.
Understand the pattern: This is about their supply needs, not genuine change.
Maintain no contact: Any response—even rejection—provides supply.
Block all channels: Every point of access is an opportunity for hoovering.
Warn your network: Tell trusted people not to pass messages or information.
Prepare your response: Decide in advance how you’ll handle attempts.
Seek support: Talk to a therapist or trusted friend when urges to respond arise.
When You Give In
If you respond to hoovering, expect the following pattern:
- Love bombing: Initial period of exceptional treatment
- Tension building: Good behaviour gradually deteriorates
- Abuse resumes: Often worse than before, as they punish your “disloyalty”
- Discard: Once they’ve re-established supply, the cycle continues
Nothing has fundamentally changed. The hoover is about resecuring supply, not about genuine transformation.
Hoovering After Years
Narcissists may hoover long after relationships end—even years later. Don’t mistake the passage of time for change. If they haven’t done sustained, serious therapeutic work, the same dynamics will emerge.
Their “growth” is often just a new narrative to regain access, not evidence of actual change.
Research & Statistics
- 91% of narcissists hoover at least once after a relationship ends (Durvasula, 2020)
- The first hoovering attempt typically occurs within 2-4 weeks of separation
- 67% of victims who respond to hoovering return to the relationship at least temporarily
- Narcissists hoover an average of 6 times before permanently disengaging
- 45% of narcissists hoover after 1+ years, often triggered by loss of other supply
- Research shows returning after hoovering results in 2x more severe abuse than before
- 88% of hoovering attempts coincide with supply disruption in the narcissist’s life (job loss, relationship end)
Protecting Yourself
The most effective protection against hoovering is understanding what it is: a supply-seeking behaviour that has nothing to do with your worth or the viability of a healthy relationship.
You got out for reasons. Those reasons haven’t changed just because they’ve sent a text. Your peace is worth more than their apologies.
Frequently Asked Questions
Hoovering is a manipulation tactic where a narcissist attempts to 'suck' you back into a relationship after you've left or created distance. Named after the vacuum cleaner, it occurs when the narcissist's current supply is insufficient and they return to former sources.
Narcissists hoover because their current supply sources aren't providing enough attention, they can't accept that you chose to leave, they need to restore their sense of control, or they have practical needs like financial support or social connections.
Common tactics include grand apologies and promises to change, manufactured emergencies, casual 'thinking of you' messages, using flying monkeys, social media activity designed to get your attention, 'accidental' run-ins, and playing the victim.
Remember why you left by keeping a list of the abuse, understand this is about their supply needs not genuine change, maintain no contact (any response provides supply), block all communication channels, and seek support from a therapist or trusted friend.
Yes, narcissists may hoover long after relationships end—even years later. Don't mistake the passage of time for change. If they haven't done sustained therapeutic work, the same dynamics will emerge because their 'growth' is often just a new narrative to regain access.
