"The anhedonia proves particularly pronounced. The narcissist can feel pleasure---they clearly enjoy validation---but activities themselves do not matter. Only their supply value matters. The narcissist's paradox: surrounded by achievements, yet inwardly empty."- From The Hollowed Self, Anhedonia and Depression
What is Alexithymia?
Alexithymia (from Greek: a = lack, lexis = words, thymos = emotion) is a personality construct characterised by difficulty identifying, describing, and processing one’s own emotions. People with alexithymia may experience emotions physically (racing heart, tight stomach) without being able to name or understand what they’re feeling.
Alexithymia is relevant to narcissistic abuse in two ways: many narcissists have alexithymic traits, and survivors may develop alexithymia as a result of chronic emotional invalidation.
Key Features of Alexithymia
Difficulty identifying feelings: Not knowing what emotion you’re experiencing or confusing emotions with physical sensations.
Difficulty describing feelings: Struggling to put emotions into words, often relying on generic terms like “bad” or “stressed.”
Externally oriented thinking: Focus on external events rather than internal experiences; preference for action over introspection.
Limited imagination: Reduced fantasy life and difficulty with imaginative thought.
Difficulty distinguishing emotions from physical sensations: “I have a headache” instead of “I’m anxious.”
Alexithymia and Narcissism
Research suggests elevated alexithymia in narcissistic individuals:
Emotional avoidance: Narcissists defend against vulnerable emotions so consistently they may lose access to them.
Grandiose mask: The false self operates on a shallow emotional level; deeper emotions are suppressed.
External focus: Narcissists orient toward external validation rather than internal experience.
Empathy deficits: Without access to their own emotions, recognising others’ becomes harder.
Anger as default: Narcissists often express only anger because it’s the only emotion they can identify—others get converted.
This explains why asking a narcissist how they feel often yields shallow or confusing answers.
How Narcissistic Abuse Creates Alexithymia
Survivors may develop alexithymic traits through:
Chronic invalidation: When your emotions are constantly dismissed or contradicted, you learn to distrust them.
Punishment for feelings: If expressing emotion led to attack, you learned to suppress awareness of feelings.
Gaslighting: Repeated reality distortion damages your ability to trust your internal experience.
Survival mode: Chronic threat keeps you in fight/flight/freeze, disconnected from more nuanced emotions.
Dissociation: Emotional disconnection can become habitual.
Focus on abuser: When all emotional energy goes to monitoring their state, you lose track of your own.
Signs You May Have Developed Alexithymia
- Frequently not knowing how you feel
- Describing emotions in physical terms (“my chest is tight” vs. “I’m anxious”)
- Others asking how you feel and drawing a blank
- Limited emotional vocabulary
- Difficulty understanding why you’re upset
- Preference for thinking over feeling
- Feeling disconnected from your emotional experience
- Being surprised when strong emotions suddenly emerge
Alexithymia vs. Emotional Suppression
Suppression: You know what you feel but choose not to express it. Alexithymia: You genuinely don’t know what you’re feeling.
Many survivors begin with suppression (necessary for survival) that becomes alexithymia over time as the ability to identify emotions atrophies.
Why Alexithymia Matters for Relationships
Alexithymia creates relationship challenges:
- Difficulty communicating emotional needs
- Partners feeling emotionally disconnected
- Conflict resolution is harder without emotional clarity
- Vulnerability feels inaccessible
- May attract partners who are comfortable with emotional distance
Understanding alexithymia can help survivors recognise why emotional intimacy feels so difficult post-abuse.
Healing from Alexithymia
Alexithymia can improve with intentional work:
Emotion vocabulary building: Learning to name emotions with more precision than “good” or “bad.”
Body awareness: Learning to recognise physical sensations as emotional signals.
Therapy: Particularly emotion-focused, somatic, or psychodynamic approaches.
Journaling: Writing about experiences and trying to identify associated emotions.
Emotion wheels: Tools that help expand emotional vocabulary and identification.
Patience: Reconnecting with emotions is gradual and can feel overwhelming at first.
Safe relationships: Emotionally attuned others can help you identify and name your feelings.
The Recovery Process
As you heal from alexithymia:
- Emotions may emerge suddenly and intensely
- You may feel overwhelmed as feelings become accessible
- Grief often surfaces—for lost time, lost self, lost awareness
- Emotional range gradually expands
- You develop ability to use emotions as information
- Relationships become deeper and more authentic
Research & Statistics
- Approximately 10% of the general population experiences clinically significant alexithymia (Salminen et al., 1999)
- 50-85% of individuals with eating disorders show alexithymic traits (Taylor et al.)
- Alexithymia is present in 40-60% of individuals with PTSD (Frewen et al., 2008)
- Research shows 60% of people with narcissistic personality disorder have elevated alexithymia scores (Jonason & Krause)
- Childhood emotional neglect increases alexithymia risk by 3 times compared to non-neglected populations (Lumley et al.)
- Men are approximately twice as likely to have alexithymia as women across multiple studies (Levant et al.)
- Emotion-focused therapy reduces alexithymia symptoms in 65% of participants after 20 sessions (Ogrodniczuk et al.)
For Survivors
If you’ve developed alexithymia through narcissistic abuse:
- This is an adaptive response, not a character flaw
- Your emotions didn’t disappear—they went underground for safety
- Reconnecting with them is possible with patience and support
- The process may be uncomfortable but leads to fuller living
- You’re not broken—you’re protecting yourself in the only way you knew how
Your emotional self is still there, waiting to be rediscovered.
Frequently Asked Questions
Alexithymia is difficulty identifying, describing, and processing emotions. People with alexithymia may feel physical sensations (racing heart, tight stomach) without being able to name what emotion they're experiencing.
Many narcissists have alexithymic traits—they struggle to identify and process their own emotions, though they may be skilled at reading others for manipulation. This emotional blindness contributes to their inability to genuinely connect.
Yes, chronic emotional invalidation can create alexithymia in survivors. When your emotions were constantly dismissed, punished, or used against you, you may have learned to disconnect from them for safety—and lost the ability to identify them.
Signs include difficulty answering 'How do you feel?', describing emotions in physical terms ('my chest is tight'), limited emotional vocabulary, confusion about internal states, appearing emotionally flat, and difficulty understanding others' emotions.
Start by noticing body sensations, use feelings wheels or lists to build vocabulary, journal about experiences, work with a therapist on emotional awareness, practice naming emotions in safe moments, and be patient—this reconnection takes time.
