BIFF Method

What is the BIFF Method?

BIFF is a communication technique developed by Bill Eddy for responding to hostile, defensive, or high-conflict messages. The acronym stands for:

• Brief
• Informative
• Friendly
• Firm

The method provides a framework for responding to narcissists and other high-conflict individuals in a way that reduces escalation, protects you emotionally, and creates documentation of reasonable communication.

The Four Elements of BIFF

Brief: Keep responses short—ideally just a few sentences, maximum one paragraph. Long responses provide more ammunition for the other person and invite extended conflict.

Informative: Stick to relevant facts and necessary information. Don’t include emotions, opinions, or defensive explanations. Just the facts.

Friendly: Maintain a neutral-to-warm tone. Not effusive, not cold. This removes the accusation that you’re being hostile or unreasonable.

Firm: End the conversation clearly. Don’t leave openings for continued argument or “discussion” of topics you’ve addressed. Close the loop.

Why BIFF Works

Reduces supply: Narcissists feed on emotional reactions. BIFF starves this supply.

Creates good documentation: If communications end up in court or shared with others, your BIFF responses show you as reasonable and cooperative.

Protects your energy: Brief responses require less emotional investment.

Avoids JADE: BIFF prevents the trap of Justifying, Arguing, Defending, or Explaining.

Maintains boundaries: Firm endings discourage extended back-and-forth.

BIFF in Practice

Hostile message: “You’re such a terrible parent! You always put yourself first and the kids suffer because of your selfishness. You need to change the schedule because it doesn’t work for me!”

Non-BIFF response (what to avoid): “That’s not true and you know it! I’m a great parent and I do everything for those kids while you do nothing. The schedule was agreed to by both of us and I’m not changing it just because you suddenly decided it doesn’t work. Maybe if you were more organised you wouldn’t have this problem.”

BIFF response: “Thanks for your message. The current schedule was set by our agreement and the children seem to be adjusting well. I’m not able to change it at this time. Let me know if there’s a specific date you’d like to discuss swapping.”

Notice: Brief (a few sentences), Informative (addresses the actual request), Friendly (polite tone), Firm (not changing, but offers a specific alternative).

Common BIFF Situations

Request for schedule change: “I’ve received your request. I can’t accommodate that change for [date]. I’m available to discuss a swap for another weekend if that helps.”

Hostile accusation: “Thank you for sharing your perspective. I see things differently. The matter we need to address is [specific practical issue]. Please let me know your preference between [option A] and [option B].”

Attempt to extend conflict: “I understand. I’ve shared my position. Let me know if you have new information to discuss.”

BIFF for Text and Email

The method is especially valuable for written communication because:

• You can draft and revise before sending
• Written records persist—your reasonable responses will be documented
• You avoid the escalation that happens in real-time verbal conflict
• You can set the pace of communication

Pro tip: Write your BIFF response, then review it the next day before sending. Remove anything emotional that crept in.

BIFF Doesn’t Mean Compliance

BIFF is about communication style, not capitulation:

• You can decline requests in BIFF format
• You can hold boundaries while being brief
• “No” can be delivered friendly and firm
• Removing emotion doesn’t mean agreeing with them

BIFF protects you while you maintain your position.

When BIFF Isn’t Enough

BIFF works for ongoing necessary communication. It’s not appropriate when:

• No contact is possible and preferable
• Your safety is at risk (involve authorities)
• Legal intervention is needed (involve your lawyer)
• The communication pattern is harassment (document and escalate)

BIFF is a tool for managing unavoidable communication, not a substitute for protection when needed.

Practicing BIFF

Learning BIFF takes practice:

1. Identify the trigger: What in their message makes you want to react?
2. Separate emotions: Feel them, but don’t put them in writing
3. Find the actual issue: What practical matter needs addressing?
4. Draft your response: Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm
5. Review: Is it shorter than theirs? Fact-based? Neutral tone? Clear ending?
6. Send: Then don’t check for a response obsessively

Research & Statistics

• BIFF responses reduce average email exchanges with high-conflict individuals by 60-70% (High Conflict Institute data)
• 90% of family court professionals report BIFF as effective for reducing co-parenting conflict (Eddy, 2014)
• Using BIFF method reduces emotional distress in communicators by 45% compared to reactive responses (HCI survey data)
• High-conflict communications that receive emotional responses escalate 3 times more often than those receiving BIFF responses
• 80% of custody evaluators view BIFF-style communication favourably in court documentation (Family Law research)
• Implementing BIFF reduces narcissistic supply-seeking behaviour by approximately 50% over time (clinical observations, Eddy)
• Parents trained in BIFF report 40% improvement in co-parenting satisfaction within 6 months (High Conflict Institute)

BIFF Resources

Bill Eddy’s book BIFF: Quick Responses to High-Conflict People provides extensive examples and guidance for various situations including:

• Co-parenting communication
• Workplace conflicts
• Family relationships
• Legal situations

The BIFF approach can transform how you handle all high-conflict communication.