"Traditional co-parenting assumes two parents who can communicate and prioritise children's needs cooperatively. This model fails with narcissists."- From Protection and Escape, Parallel Parenting Framework
What is Parallel Parenting?
Parallel parenting is a structured approach for parents in high-conflict situations—including those co-parenting with a narcissist—where traditional cooperative co-parenting is impossible. Instead of working together, parallel parents disengage from each other and each maintain their own separate relationship with their children.
The goal is to protect children from parental conflict while allowing each parent to maintain their role, without requiring the communication, cooperation, and coordination that standard co-parenting demands.
Parallel Parenting vs. Co-Parenting
| Co-Parenting | Parallel Parenting |
|---|---|
| Frequent, flexible communication | Minimal, business-like communication |
| Shared decision-making | Divided decision-making by domain |
| Unified parenting approach | Different rules in different homes |
| Attending events together | Separate attendance or trading off |
| Flexible schedules | Strict, detailed schedules |
| Trust-based | Documented and boundaried |
Why Parallel Parenting Is Necessary with Narcissists
Traditional co-parenting requires:
- Mutual respect (absent with narcissists)
- Good faith communication (exploited by narcissists)
- Flexibility (used to manipulate)
- Shared goals (narcissists prioritise their needs)
- Ability to compromise (narcissists see compromise as losing)
Attempting co-parenting with a narcissist typically results in ongoing conflict, manipulation, and harm to both you and the children. Parallel parenting accepts this reality and works around it.
Key Principles of Parallel Parenting
Disengagement: Reduce contact with the other parent to the minimum necessary.
Business-like communication: Use BIFF (Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm) communication only about children’s needs.
Detailed parenting plan: A comprehensive, specific plan reduces areas requiring negotiation.
Strict boundaries: Each parent controls their own home; no interference in the other’s time.
Documentation: Keep records of all communications and arrangements.
No expectation of change: Accept that the narcissist won’t become cooperative.
Protect the children: Shield children from conflict by not discussing the other parent negatively.
Implementing Parallel Parenting
Communication channels:
- Written communication only (email, co-parenting apps)
- No phone calls or face-to-face discussions unless emergency
- Co-parenting apps (OurFamilyWizard, TalkingParents) create automatic records
Scheduling:
- Detailed, specific custody schedule
- Clear pickup/drop-off protocols (public place, no direct interaction)
- Minimal schedule changes; when necessary, documented in writing
Decisions:
- Divide decision-making by type (one parent handles medical, other handles education) or
- Major decisions specified in custody order
- Day-to-day decisions made by whoever has the child
Information sharing:
- Share only what’s legally required or genuinely necessary
- Don’t seek information about the other household
- Don’t use children as messengers
Managing Communication
Use BIFF: Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm responses only.
Don’t engage with bait: Ignore provocations, accusations, or attempts to start conflict.
Stick to logistics: “Johnny has a doctor appointment Tuesday at 3pm. Please bring him to 123 Medical Drive.”
No JADE-ing: Don’t Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain your decisions.
Response time: Set expectations for response time (e.g., 24-48 hours) to avoid pressure.
Not everything requires a response: If it’s not about the children’s welfare, you can ignore it.
Protecting the Children
In parallel parenting:
Don’t disparage: Regardless of what they do, don’t speak negatively about the other parent to children.
Don’t interrogate: Don’t pump children for information about the other household.
Don’t use children as messengers: All communication goes directly between parents.
Validate their experience: Children can love both parents even when one is difficult.
Provide stability: Your household is what you can control—make it consistent and safe.
Get them support: Therapy can help children navigate having a narcissistic parent.
Common Challenges
The narcissist doesn’t follow the plan: Document everything. Return to court if necessary.
They use children to manipulate: Maintain boundaries while supporting children’s feelings.
Transitions are difficult: Make them quick and business-like. Consider third-party exchanges.
They bad-mouth you to children: Don’t retaliate. Be the stable parent. Children figure it out eventually.
They try to engage you in conflict: Don’t bite. Every non-response is a win.
Legal Support
Parallel parenting often requires:
- Detailed parenting plan in custody order
- Court-ordered communication methods
- Clear consequences for violations
- Attorney familiar with high-conflict custody
- Possibly a parenting coordinator
Research & Statistics
- 80% of high-conflict custody cases involve at least one parent with personality disorder traits, making traditional co-parenting impossible (Johnston & Campbell, 1988)
- Children in parallel parenting arrangements show 50% fewer behavioral problems compared to those exposed to ongoing parental conflict (Amato, 2001)
- Research indicates that interparental conflict is 2-3 times more damaging to children than divorce itself (Kelly, 2000)
- Studies show children exposed to high-conflict co-parenting attempts have elevated cortisol levels and increased anxiety symptoms (Davies & Cummings, 1994)
- 90% of family court professionals now recommend parallel parenting over co-parenting for high-conflict cases involving personality disorders (AFCC Guidelines, 2019)
- Use of co-parenting communication apps reduces conflict incidents by up to 70% by creating documentation and enforcing boundaries (Saini et al., 2017)
- Children’s adjustment improves significantly when conflict exposure is minimized, with parallel parenting reducing child stress markers by 40% within the first year (Fabricius & Luecken, 2007)
For Survivors
Parallel parenting is:
- Not “failing” at co-parenting—it’s adapting to impossible circumstances
- The most protective approach for you and your children
- A boundary, not a punishment
- Hard to implement but easier than constant conflict
- A form of no-contact applied to parenting
You can be an excellent parent while having minimal contact with your children’s other parent. Your wellbeing affects your children; protecting yourself protects them.
Frequently Asked Questions
Parallel parenting is a structured approach where parents disengage from each other and each maintain separate relationships with their children, minimising direct contact and conflict while protecting children.
Co-parenting requires frequent communication and shared decision-making, while parallel parenting uses minimal business-like communication, divided decision-making, and strict schedules to reduce conflict with high-conflict individuals.
Use written communication only through documented channels like co-parenting apps, create detailed parenting plans to reduce negotiation, establish firm boundaries around your parenting time, and accept different rules in different homes.
Yes, parallel parenting is often the only workable approach with narcissists because it accepts they won't become cooperative and works around this reality by minimising required interaction.
Shield children from conflict by not speaking negatively about the other parent, don't use children as messengers, provide stability in your household, validate their feelings, and consider therapy to help them navigate having a narcissistic parent.
