"Co-parenting implies cooperation, but you cannot cooperate with someone committed to conflict. The narcissist will use custody exchanges as opportunities for abuse, communication about children as a control channel, and the children themselves as messengers, spies, or weapons. You need a different approach: parallel parenting."
What Is Co-Parenting with a Narcissist?
Co-parenting with a narcissist is attempting to share parental responsibilities with someone who lacks the fundamental qualities required for successful co-parenting: empathy, cooperation, flexibility, and child-centered focus.
The fundamental challenge:
- They see children as extensions of themselves
- They use children as weapons against you
- They cannot prioritize children’s needs over their own
- They weaponize every interaction
- Traditional co-parenting approaches fail
Why Traditional Co-Parenting Doesn’t Work
What Co-Parenting Requires
Healthy co-parenting needs:
- Mutual respect
- Cooperation and flexibility
- Shared decision-making
- Putting children first
- Managing adult conflict privately
- Supporting the other parent’s relationship with children
What Narcissists Do Instead
They:
- Compete rather than cooperate
- Use flexibility against you
- Weaponize decision-making
- Put their needs (and revenge) first
- Involve children in adult conflict
- Undermine your relationship with children
How Narcissists Weaponize Children
Children as Extensions
To narcissists, children are:
- Sources of narcissistic supply
- Reflections of themselves
- Property, not people
- Achievements to claim credit for
- Failures to blame on you
Children as Messengers
They use children to:
- Deliver hostile messages
- Gather information about you
- Avoid direct communication
- Put children in the middle
Children as Spies
They interrogate children about:
- Your home and activities
- Your relationships
- Your finances
- Anything they can use against you
Children as Weapons
They weaponize children through:
- Parental alienation attempts
- Loyalty conflicts
- Schedule manipulation
- Withholding children punitively
- Using custody as leverage
- Bad-mouthing you to children
Parallel Parenting: The Alternative
What It Is
Parallel parenting is:
- Independent parenting rather than cooperative
- Minimal direct communication
- Each parent has authority in their own home
- Business-like interactions only
- Structured to minimize conflict
Key Principles
- Disengage emotionally from the co-parent
- Communicate minimally and in writing
- Each parent’s home is their domain
- Follow court orders precisely
- Don’t respond to bait
- Document everything
How It Differs from Co-Parenting
| Co-Parenting | Parallel Parenting |
|---|---|
| Flexible scheduling | Strict schedule adherence |
| Shared decisions | Decisions in own home |
| Regular communication | Minimal communication |
| Cooperation expected | Independence maintained |
| Unified approach | Separate approaches |
Communication Strategies
The BIFF Method
- Brief: Say only what’s necessary
- Informative: Stick to facts
- Friendly: Neutral, not hostile
- Firm: Don’t invite negotiation
Written Communication
Use writing to:
- Create documentation
- Prevent he-said/she-said
- Remove emotional volatility
- Allow considered responses
- Provide court evidence if needed
What to Communicate About
Only:
- Scheduling (changes, exchanges)
- Health and safety issues
- Educational matters
- Required decisions
What NOT to Engage With
- Accusations
- Criticisms
- Relationship issues
- Attempts to argue
- Demands outside agreements
Sample Responses
Instead of engaging:
- “I’ll follow the custody order.”
- “I’ve noted your concern.”
- “The children’s [appointment] is [time].”
- [No response when none required]
Parenting Apps and Tools
Why Use Them
- Document all communication
- Court-admissible records
- Reduce direct contact
- Track expenses
- Share calendar
- Create accountability
Popular Options
- OurFamilyWizard
- TalkingParents
- AppClose
- Cozi (basic)
- Google Calendar (basic)
Features to Look For
- Message archiving
- Expense tracking
- Calendar sharing
- Third-party access (for lawyers)
- “ToneMeter” or similar (OurFamilyWizard)
Protecting Your Children
Be the Stable Parent
You can’t control them, but you can:
- Provide emotional safety
- Maintain consistent boundaries
- Be reliable and predictable
- Regulate your own emotions
- Model healthy relationships
Don’t Bad-Mouth
Even when they do:
- Children feel torn by loyalty conflicts
- It backfires eventually
- Courts view it negatively
- Let children draw their own conclusions
- Focus on your relationship, not their flaws
Teach Emotional Intelligence
Help children:
- Identify their feelings
- Express emotions safely
- Understand manipulation
- Trust their perceptions
- Know it’s not their fault
Consider Therapy
For children:
- Child-focused therapist
- Someone who understands narcissism/high-conflict
- Safe space to process feelings
- Not “family therapy” that gives abuser access
Document Concerning Behavior
Keep records of:
- Concerning statements from children
- Visible distress after visits
- Parental alienation behaviors
- Broken agreements
- Anything that may be needed legally
Managing Exchanges
Make Them Brief
- Don’t linger for conversation
- Have children ready on time
- Don’t engage in doorway discussions
- Leave if they try to start conflict
Public Places
Consider:
- Police station parking lots
- Public parking lots
- Neutral locations
- Witnesses present
Don’t Use Children as Go-Betweens
- Don’t send messages through children
- Don’t ask children about the other parent
- Don’t react to what children report
- Protect them from adult conflict
When They Don’t Follow Orders
Document Violations
- Keep records of all violations
- Note dates, times, specifics
- Save communication
- Screenshot relevant messages
Choose Battles Wisely
Not everything warrants legal action:
- Consider the impact on children
- Weigh cost vs. benefit
- Focus on significant violations
- Consult with your attorney
Legal Remedies
For persistent violations:
- Motion for contempt
- Request makeup time
- Request order modifications
- Document pattern for future use
Self-Care for Co-Parenting Survivors
Manage Your Reactions
You can’t control them, only yourself:
- Process emotions away from children
- Use grounding when triggered
- Maintain your own therapy
- Build support network
Set Expectations
Understand:
- This will be hard
- They won’t change
- Your goal is harm reduction
- Perfect isn’t possible
- Good enough is success
Protect Your Well-being
- Don’t read messages when dysregulated
- Set communication times (not constant)
- Use delays before responding
- Take breaks when needed
For Survivors
If you’re co-parenting with a narcissist:
- You can’t make them cooperate
- Parallel parenting may be your best option
- Your children need one healthy parent
- Focus on what you can control
- Document everything
- Get appropriate legal and therapeutic support
You didn’t choose to parent with this person knowing what you now know. You’re doing something extraordinarily difficult. Every day you stay calm, protect your boundaries, and provide stability for your children is a success.
Your children will eventually see the truth. Your job isn’t to make them see it—it’s to be the stable, loving, emotionally available parent they need. That’s enough. That’s everything.
Frequently Asked Questions
Traditional co-parenting requires cooperation, flexibility, and shared decision-making—none of which work with narcissists. They use children as extensions, weapons, messengers, and tools for continued control. Expect conflict, manipulation, broken agreements, and children caught in the middle.
Parallel parenting is a modified approach where each parent operates independently without direct cooperation. Communication is minimal, business-like, and often written. Each parent has authority in their own home. It reduces conflict by removing opportunities for manipulation.
They may: use children as messengers, interrogate children about the other parent, bad-mouth the other parent to children, use custody as control leverage, create loyalty conflicts, weaponize schedule changes, withhold children punitively, or engage in parental alienation.
Keep communication: written (email or parenting app), brief and factual, about children only, emotion-free, and documented. Use the BIFF method: Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm. Don't take bait or engage in arguments. Respond only to what requires response.
Focus on: being the stable, emotionally safe parent, not bad-mouthing (even when they do), teaching emotional intelligence, providing consistent boundaries, getting children therapy if needed, documenting concerning behavior, and following court orders carefully.
Apps like OurFamilyWizard, TalkingParents, and AppClose provide documented communication, shared calendars, expense tracking, and court-admissible records. They reduce direct contact and create accountability. Courts sometimes order their use.
