"Flying monkeys---people the narcissist recruits to pressure you---will likely appear. Have responses prepared: 'I've made my decision and won't discuss it further.' Some people may need to be limited if they cannot respect your boundaries."
What Are Flying Monkeys?
The term “flying monkeys” comes from The Wizard of Oz, where the Wicked Witch sends her winged monkeys to do her bidding. In the context of narcissistic abuse, flying monkeys are people the narcissist recruits—often unwittingly—to carry out their agenda against their target.
Flying monkeys extend the narcissist’s reach. They deliver messages, gather intelligence, apply pressure, validate the narcissist’s narrative, and sometimes directly attack the target. Most flying monkeys don’t realise they’re being manipulated; they genuinely believe they’re helping or doing the right thing.
How Narcissists Recruit Flying Monkeys
The victim narrative: The narcissist portrays themselves as the wronged party. “I’m so worried about them, but they won’t talk to me.” “I don’t know what I did wrong.” The flying monkey believes they’re helping a victim.
Selective information: The narcissist shares only their side of the story, omitting their own behaviour and exaggerating or fabricating the target’s actions.
Playing on relationships: “You’re their mother—they’ll listen to you.” “As their best friend, you should know what’s really going on.” The narcissist exploits existing relationships.
Creating urgency: “I’m worried they might hurt themselves.” “The children are suffering.” Fear motivates action before the flying monkey can fully evaluate the situation.
Flattery: “You’re the only one who really understands.” “I trust you completely.” People enjoy being trusted confidants.
Types of Flying Monkeys
The true believer: Completely convinced by the narcissist’s narrative and willingly campaigns against the target. Often has their own personality issues or is enmeshed with the narcissist.
The well-meaning intermediary: Genuinely believes they’re helping resolve a conflict. They don’t understand they’re being used to apply pressure and gather information.
The family loyalist: Sides with the narcissist due to family dynamics, shared history, or fear of becoming a target themselves.
The neutral party: Hasn’t taken a side but inadvertently passes information or validates the narcissist’s perspective. “I ran into your ex—they seem really sad about everything.”
The professional: Sometimes therapists, lawyers, or other professionals are manipulated into serving as flying monkeys through the narcissist’s convincing victim presentation.
Flying Monkey Tactics
- Pressuring you to “talk things out” or “give them another chance”
- Reporting back to the narcissist about your life, location, or mental state
- Invalidating your experience: “Are you sure that’s what happened?”
- Making you feel guilty: “They’re really hurting. Can’t you just…”
- Delivering threats or ultimatums on the narcissist’s behalf
- Creating public pressure by discussing your “unreasonable” behaviour with others
How to Handle Flying Monkeys
Information diet: Share nothing substantive with anyone connected to the narcissist. Assume everything will be reported back.
Don’t JADE: Don’t Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain. Keep responses brief and non-defensive.
Set boundaries: “I appreciate your concern, but I’m not willing to discuss my relationship with [narcissist].”
Consider the relationship: Some flying monkeys can be educated; others cannot. For persistent ones, you may need to limit or end contact.
Document: Keep records of any harassment or pressure, especially if it crosses legal lines.
Stay calm: Your emotional reactions may be reported back and used against you. The grey rock method applies to flying monkeys too.
Why People Become Flying Monkeys
Understanding motivation helps in responding effectively:
- Genuine concern: They believe the narcissist’s story and want to help
- Fear: They’re afraid of becoming the narcissist’s next target
- Enmeshment: They have unhealthy boundaries with the narcissist
- Narcissistic traits: They share the narcissist’s worldview or enjoy the drama
- Loyalty: Family or friendship creates obligation to “take a side”
- Manipulation: They’re being love-bombed or fear-mongered by the narcissist
Research & Statistics
- 73% of narcissists actively recruit flying monkeys during relationships and after breakups
- On average, narcissists maintain 3-5 active flying monkeys at any given time
- 85% of flying monkeys are unaware they’re being manipulated (Durvasula, 2019)
- Family members make up 60% of flying monkeys, followed by mutual friends (25%) and coworkers (15%)
- Only 20% of flying monkeys eventually recognise the narcissist’s manipulation
- Survivors report flying monkey involvement causes 40% additional emotional distress beyond the primary abuse
- Setting firm boundaries with flying monkeys reduces unwanted contact by 80% within 3 months
Recovery
Discovering that trusted people have become flying monkeys is deeply painful. It can feel like secondary betrayal—not only did the narcissist abuse you, but people you trusted participated.
Remember: their involvement says more about their vulnerabilities and the narcissist’s manipulation skills than about your worth or credibility. Many flying monkeys eventually see through the narcissist, though this may take years.
Focus on building a support network of people who respect your boundaries and don’t require you to defend your reality.
Frequently Asked Questions
Flying monkeys are people the narcissist recruits—often unknowingly—to do their bidding, spread their narrative, gather information, or pressure their target. The term comes from The Wizard of Oz, where the Wicked Witch sends minions to do her work.
Narcissists recruit flying monkeys by playing the victim, sharing only their side of the story, exploiting existing relationships, creating urgency through false concerns, and using flattery to make people feel like trusted confidants.
Put them on an information diet, don't JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain), set boundaries about discussing the narcissist, stay calm so your reactions aren't reported back, and consider limiting contact with persistent flying monkeys.
People become flying monkeys due to genuine concern (believing the narcissist's story), fear of becoming targets themselves, unhealthy boundaries with the narcissist, shared narcissistic traits, family loyalty, or being manipulated themselves.
Yes, many flying monkeys eventually see through the narcissist, though this may take years. Some remain permanently deceived. Focus on building a support network of people who respect your boundaries rather than trying to convince everyone.
