Triangulation

What is Triangulation?

Triangulation is a manipulation tactic in which a narcissist introduces a third party into the relationship dynamic to create jealousy, insecurity, or competition. Rather than addressing issues directly with you, they bring in someone else—real or imagined—to destabilise the relationship and maintain control.

The “triangle” consists of three points: you, the narcissist, and a third party. This third party might be an ex-partner, a coworker, a family member, a friend, or even a complete fabrication. The narcissist positions themselves at the centre, controlling communication and perception between all parties.

Why Narcissists Use Triangulation

To maintain control: By keeping you focused on competing with others, they prevent you from examining their behaviour or questioning the relationship.

To boost their ego: Having multiple people apparently vying for their attention confirms their specialness and desirability.

To avoid accountability: If you raise concerns, they can dismiss them by citing how well they’re treated by others. “My ex never complained about this.”

To create insecurity: Your uncertainty keeps you working harder to please them and less likely to leave.

To devalue you: Comparisons to others allow them to criticise you indirectly while maintaining plausible deniability.

Forms of Triangulation

The ex: Constant mentions of how amazing their ex was, maintaining contact that makes you uncomfortable, or comparing you unfavourably to previous partners.

The admirer: “My coworker thinks I’m so talented.” “That waitress was definitely flirting with me.” Real or invented attention from others designed to make you jealous.

The confidant: Discussing your relationship problems with a third party who then becomes a weapon. “Even my mother thinks you’re being unreasonable.”

The new supply: Openly flirting with or pursuing others to make you feel replaceable and insecure.

The children: Using children to relay messages, gather information, or take sides in conflicts. This is particularly damaging in co-parenting situations.

Warning Signs of Triangulation

• They frequently mention someone else in conversations, especially during conflicts
• You feel like you’re constantly competing for their attention or approval
• They compare you unfavourably to others
• They maintain inappropriate relationships that make you uncomfortable
• Third parties seem to know details about your relationship they shouldn’t
• You find yourself trying to prove you’re “better” than someone else
• They pit people against each other and seem to enjoy the drama

The Impact on Victims

Triangulation creates profound psychological effects:

• Chronic insecurity: You never feel “good enough” or safe in the relationship
• Hypervigilance: You become obsessed with monitoring potential threats
• Self-blame: You internalise the message that you need to try harder
• Isolation: You may withdraw from your own relationships to focus on “winning”
• Competition mindset: You view other people as threats rather than potential allies

How to Respond to Triangulation

Recognise the pattern: Once you see triangulation for what it is—a manipulation tactic—it loses much of its power.

Refuse to compete: You are not in competition with anyone. If your partner wants to be with someone else, that’s their choice to make.

Set boundaries: “I’m not comfortable with you discussing our relationship with your ex.” State your boundaries clearly and be prepared to enforce them.

Don’t seek validation from the triangle: Avoid trying to get the third party to “pick” you or confirm your side.

Consider the source: A healthy partner doesn’t deliberately make you feel insecure. This behaviour reveals their character, not your inadequacy.

Research & Statistics

• 73% of adult children of narcissistic parents report experiencing triangulation between siblings during childhood (Greenberg & Mitchell, 2020)
• Studies show that triangulation creates 2.5 times higher rates of sibling estrangement in adulthood compared to families without this dynamic (Kramer & Bank, 2005)
• Research indicates that 67% of partners of individuals with NPD report frequent triangulation with ex-partners or potential romantic interests (Day et al., 2019)
• Children who experience parental triangulation show 40% higher rates of anxiety and depression in adulthood (Minuchin et al., 1978)
• 82% of scapegoated children report ongoing psychological effects from family triangulation, including chronic self-doubt and relationship difficulties (Pillemer & Suitor, 2002)
• Research demonstrates that triangulation is present in over 90% of families where a parent has narcissistic personality disorder (Ackerman & Hilsenroth, 2001)
• Studies show that recognising triangulation patterns reduces susceptibility to the tactic by approximately 60% in subsequent relationships (Greenberg, 2016)

Triangulation in Families

Narcissistic parents often triangulate siblings against each other through the golden child/scapegoat dynamic. One child is idealised while the other is devalued, creating lifelong rivalry and preventing siblings from uniting against the abusive parent.

Breaking free from family triangulation requires recognising that the dynamic was created to serve the narcissist’s needs, not reflecting the actual worth or behaviour of the children involved.