Exploitation

What is Exploitation in Narcissism?

Exploitation—using others for personal gain without regard for their wellbeing—is a core diagnostic criterion for Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Narcissists view relationships as transactional and people as resources to be used for their benefit: for supply, status, money, labour, sex, or any other need.

Where most people see relationships as reciprocal connections, narcissists see opportunities for extraction.

How Narcissists Exploit

Emotionally: Using your emotions for supply—your admiration feeds them, your distress entertains them, your love serves them.

Financially: Taking money, creating financial dependence, using your resources while contributing little.

Socially: Using your connections, status, or reputation for their benefit.

Professionally: Taking credit for your work, using your skills, advancing through your efforts.

Sexually: Using sex for control, validation, or manipulation rather than connection.

Practically: Expecting labour, care, and service without reciprocation.

In parenting: Using children for supply, image management, or extending their control.

The Mindset Behind Exploitation

Exploitation reflects the narcissist’s worldview:

People as objects: Others aren’t fully real—they’re tools, resources, or obstacles.

Zero-sum thinking: If you have something, it means they don’t. Taking from you levels the playing field.

Entitlement: They deserve whatever they can get; why shouldn’t they take it?

No empathy: They don’t feel the cost to you, so it doesn’t factor into their decisions.

Transactional view: Everything has a cost-benefit analysis, and the benefit is always their own.

Types of Exploitation

Obvious exploitation: Taking money, demanding labour, using you openly.

Subtle exploitation: Using your emotional support while giving nothing back, taking credit indirectly, manipulating you into serving their needs without explicit demands.

Long-term exploitation: Building a relationship structure where exploitation is built in—you work, they benefit; you give, they take.

Opportunistic exploitation: Taking advantage when opportunity presents, regardless of relationship.

Recognising You’re Being Exploited

Signs of exploitation in a relationship:

• You give significantly more than you receive
• Your resources (time, money, energy, connections) flow primarily to them
• They show interest when they need something
• Your needs are consistently secondary or ignored
• You feel used but can’t quite explain why
• The relationship improves when you have something they want
• They disappear or devalue you when you’re not useful
• They feel entitled to what you provide

The Exploitation Cycle

Idealisation (Investment Phase): They invest in you to establish the relationship and your willingness to give.

Devaluation (Extraction Phase): Now that you’re attached, extraction increases while they give less and less.

Discard (Depletion Phase): When you have nothing left to give, or resist exploitation, you’re discarded.

Hoovering (Re-investment): If they need something again, they return to extract more.

Why Victims Don’t See Exploitation

Love: You believe in the relationship, so give willingly.

Reciprocity hope: You expect eventual return on your investment.

Manipulation: They make exploitation seem normal or frame taking as giving.

Self-blame: You believe you’re not giving enough rather than seeing you’re being taken from.

Gradual escalation: Exploitation increases slowly, normalising each step.

Protecting Yourself from Exploitation

Track patterns: Who gives what in the relationship? Is it balanced?

Trust feelings: Feeling used is data, even if you can’t explain it.

Set boundaries: Limit what you give and see how they respond.

Watch for reciprocity: Healthy relationships involve mutual give and take.

Protect resources: Be cautious with money, connections, and personal information.

Accept reality: If they’re exploiting you, love won’t change that.

Recovery from Exploitation

If you’ve been exploited:

Release shame: Their exploitation reflects their character, not your worth.

Rebuild boundaries: Learn to protect your resources and energy.

Evaluate relationships: Apply what you’ve learned to other relationships.

Grieve what was taken: Time, money, energy, years—the losses are real.

Develop discernment: Learn to recognise exploitation patterns earlier.

Research & Statistics

• Exploitation is one of the core diagnostic criteria for NPD, present in over 90% of diagnosed cases (DSM-5)
• Studies show narcissists view relationships as 80% more transactional than non-narcissistic individuals (Campbell & Foster, 2007)
• Partners of exploitative narcissists report financial losses averaging tens of thousands of dollars over relationship duration
• Research indicates exploitation escalates gradually over months to years, making recognition difficult (Bancroft, 2002)
• 70% of victims don’t recognize exploitation until after the relationship ends, due to normalization and cognitive dissonance
• Studies show exploitative relationships create significant health costs, with victims showing 40% higher healthcare utilization
• Narcissistic parents exploit children for supply at rates approaching 100% in clinical samples (McBride, 2008)

For Survivors

You weren’t stupid for being exploited. You were caring, generous, and hopeful—qualities the narcissist deliberately targeted. They exploited your virtues.

The problem was never that you gave too much. The problem was that you gave to someone incapable of receiving in good faith. Your generosity was a gift; their exploitation was a theft.