"When you stop providing narcissistic supply, expect behaviour to get worse before it gets better. The escalation doesn't mean your boundary is bad—it means it's working. Hold through the burst."
What is an Extinction Burst?
An extinction burst is a temporary increase in the frequency, intensity, and variety of a behaviour when that behaviour stops being reinforced. In simpler terms: when something that used to work stops working, the person (or animal) tries harder before giving up.
For survivors setting boundaries with narcissists, this means expect behaviour to get worse before it gets better. When you stop providing narcissistic supply, they’ll escalate their attempts to get it.
The Psychology Behind Extinction Bursts
Behavioural psychology explains:
Reinforcement: Behaviour that’s rewarded tends to continue.
Extinction: When reinforcement stops, behaviour eventually stops—but not immediately.
Extinction burst: Before giving up, there’s a spike in attempts—more intense, more frequent, more varied.
Resolution: If the burst is not reinforced, the behaviour eventually decreases.
Think of a vending machine that suddenly doesn’t work. You don’t try once and walk away. You press the button harder, multiple times, try different buttons, maybe shake the machine—that’s the extinction burst—before eventually accepting it’s broken.
Extinction Bursts in Narcissistic Relationships
When you stop providing supply:
Before boundary: Narcissist texts, you respond. They get supply.
Boundary set: You stop responding to manipulative texts.
Extinction burst: More texts. Different kinds of texts. Phone calls. Showing up. Flying monkeys. Promises. Threats.
If you hold: Eventually, they seek supply elsewhere.
If you break: They learn that escalation works, and you’ve reinforced the burst.
What Extinction Bursts Look Like
When you implement boundaries or no contact, expect:
Increased contact attempts: More calls, texts, emails, messages through others.
Varied approaches: If one thing doesn’t work, they’ll try different tactics—nice, mean, urgent, nostalgic.
Hoovering intensification: Promises of change, reminders of good times, declarations of love.
Escalated threats: Threats may become more serious or desperate.
Flying monkeys: Involving others to apply pressure.
Manufactured crises: Sudden “emergencies” that require contact.
New tactics: Things they haven’t tried before.
Why It Gets Worse Before Better
They don’t accept it’s not working: The narcissist initially interprets no response as a challenge, not a final answer.
Variable reinforcement history: If you’ve occasionally given in before, they’ve learned persistence pays off.
Desperation: Loss of supply is threatening; desperation drives escalation.
Trying everything: Before giving up, they exhaust all options.
Testing: Checking if this is really final or just a temporary boundary.
Surviving the Extinction Burst
Expect it: Knowing the burst is coming helps you prepare and not be surprised.
Don’t engage: ANY response during the burst teaches that escalation works.
Ensure safety: If escalation includes threats or danger, involve authorities.
Get support: Having people who understand helps you hold firm.
Document: Keep records of all attempts, especially if escalation is concerning.
Stay strong: The burst is temporary. Hold through it.
Self-care: This is a difficult period. Take care of yourself.
The Danger of Giving In
If you respond during the extinction burst:
You reinforce escalation: They learn that persistence and intensity work.
Next burst will be worse: They now know what level is required.
The pattern continues: You’ve taught them you can be worn down.
Your credibility decreases: Future boundaries seem temporary.
This is why partial boundaries often make things worse—they create intermittent reinforcement on the narcissist’s side.
How Long Do Extinction Bursts Last?
There’s no fixed timeline, but factors include:
- How long the relationship lasted
- How much supply you provided
- Whether you’ve broken boundaries before
- Whether they have other supply sources
- Their individual persistence level
Bursts can last days, weeks, or occasionally longer. Most eventually subside when no reinforcement comes.
After the Burst
When the extinction burst subsides:
- You may feel relief and guilt simultaneously
- They may try again later to test
- Maintain your boundaries
- Occasional resurgence is possible
- Each held boundary makes the next one easier
Research & Statistics
- Extinction bursts occur in approximately 70% of cases when reinforcement is withdrawn, across both human and animal studies (Lerman & Iwata, 1995)
- Research shows extinction bursts typically peak at days 3-7 after reinforcement withdrawal, then gradually diminish
- One response during an extinction burst can reset the behavior, requiring the burst process to start over (variable ratio reinforcement)
- Studies indicate narcissist extinction bursts last an average of 2-6 weeks, though some persist for months
- Stalking behavior following relationship termination occurs in approximately 25-30% of narcissistic relationships during extinction bursts
- Research shows victims who hold boundaries through the burst report significantly higher relationship satisfaction in subsequent relationships
- Documentation during extinction bursts is crucial: 60% of protective orders cite escalation patterns as key evidence
For Survivors
The extinction burst is one of the hardest parts of establishing boundaries. It’s when everything gets worse and you’re most tempted to think your boundary was wrong.
It wasn’t. The escalation doesn’t mean your boundary is bad—it means it’s working. They’re escalating because normal tactics aren’t working anymore. Hold through the burst.
The storm will pass. And on the other side is the freedom you’re working toward.
Frequently Asked Questions
An extinction burst is a temporary increase in unwanted behavior when that behavior stops being reinforced. When you stop giving a narcissist supply through boundaries or no contact, expect them to escalate their attempts—more contact, different tactics, intensified hoovering—before giving up.
When something that used to work stops working, people try harder before giving up—like pressing a vending machine button harder when it doesn't respond. The narcissist interprets no response as a challenge, not a final answer, and tries everything before accepting it's not working.
There's no fixed timeline—it depends on how long the relationship lasted, how much supply you provided, whether you've broken boundaries before, and their persistence level. Bursts can last days, weeks, or occasionally longer, but most subside when no reinforcement comes.
Giving in during an extinction burst reinforces escalation—they learn that persistence and intensity work. The next burst will be worse, your credibility decreases, and you've taught them you can be worn down. This is why partial boundaries often make things worse.
Expect it (knowing helps you prepare). Don't engage at all—any response teaches escalation works. Ensure safety if threats occur. Get support from people who understand. Document everything. Stay strong knowing the burst is temporary. The escalation means your boundary is working.
