"The dopamine system responds most strongly not to consistent reward but to intermittent, unpredictable reward---each interaction with the narcissist might be the return to the wonderful person from the beginning. The victim is not bonded despite the abuse. They are bonded because of the pattern of abuse."
What is Intermittent Reinforcement?
Intermittent reinforcement is a conditioning pattern where rewards are delivered unpredictably rather than consistently. In relationships, this manifests as cycles of affection and abuse, kindness and cruelty, attention and neglect—with no predictable pattern.
This psychological mechanism, first studied by B.F. Skinner, creates stronger behavioural conditioning than consistent rewards. It’s the same principle that makes gambling addictive—the uncertainty of when the reward will come keeps you engaged far longer than a guaranteed outcome would.
In narcissistic relationships, intermittent reinforcement is why victims often feel “addicted” to their abuser and struggle to leave despite knowing the relationship is harmful.
How Intermittent Reinforcement Works
The setup: The relationship begins with intense positive reinforcement (love bombing), establishing the emotional reward you’ll spend the rest of the relationship chasing.
The switch: Unpredictably, the narcissist withdraws affection, becomes cruel, or creates conflict. You don’t know why this happened or when the loving version will return.
The return: Just as unpredictably, they become kind again. Relief floods your system. You feel grateful and hopeful.
The addiction: Your brain learns that persistence eventually pays off. The occasional reward keeps you trying, hoping, waiting.
Why It’s So Powerful
Dopamine dysregulation: Uncertain rewards trigger stronger dopamine responses than guaranteed ones. Your brain becomes wired to anticipate and seek the “reward” of their good behaviour.
Hope maintenance: Each return of kindness reinforces belief that the good version is the “real” person who will return permanently if you just try hard enough.
Self-blame: The unpredictability leads you to search for patterns in your own behaviour. “What did I do wrong? What can I do differently?”
Heightened attention: You become hypervigilant, constantly monitoring their mood and adjusting your behaviour in hopes of triggering reward rather than punishment.
Examples in Relationships
Hot and cold: One week they’re attentive and loving; the next they’re cold and dismissive. You never know which version you’ll encounter.
Random punishment: Minor things that were fine yesterday trigger rage today. There’s no consistent rule you can follow.
Unpredictable affection: Sometimes they respond to your needs; often they ignore you. You never know when affection will be available.
The silent treatment: Applied randomly, creating desperate attempts to figure out what you did wrong and how to restore connection.
Good day/bad day: The relationship swings between wonderful and terrible, with the pattern appearing random to you (though the narcissist may be responding to their own internal states or external supply needs).
The Extinction Burst Connection
When you try to leave, you experience what feels like intense need for your partner. This is the same phenomenon that happens when a gambler tries to quit—the conditioned behaviour intensifies when the reward is removed. The early days of no contact are often the hardest because your brain is desperately seeking the intermittent reward it’s been conditioned to pursue.
Signs You’re Experiencing Intermittent Reinforcement
- You feel addicted to the relationship despite knowing it’s harmful
- You spend enormous energy trying to predict or influence their mood
- You feel intense relief and gratitude when they’re kind
- You excuse bad behaviour because “they’re not always like this”
- You’re constantly hoping the good version will become permanent
- Small scraps of attention feel enormously rewarding
- You find yourself unable to leave despite repeated resolutions to do so
- You obsessively analyse your own behaviour for what triggers their moods
Breaking Free
Understand the mechanism: Knowledge helps. You’re not weak or stupid—you’re responding to a conditioning pattern powerful enough to create gambling addictions.
No contact: The only way to break the conditioning is to stop receiving the intermittent rewards entirely.
Expect withdrawal: The first weeks of separation will be intensely difficult. This is your brain demanding its conditioned reward.
Replace the pattern: Build consistent, reliable relationships that provide steady (not intermittent) support and connection.
Therapy: A trauma-informed therapist can help you understand your conditioning and develop healthier relationship patterns.
Research & Statistics
- Research shows intermittent reinforcement creates behaviours 4-5 times more resistant to extinction than continuous reinforcement (Ferster & Skinner, 1957)
- Studies indicate the dopamine response to unpredictable rewards is up to 400% higher than responses to predictable rewards (Schultz et al., 1997)
- 90% of trauma-bonded individuals describe their attachment as feeling like an addiction, consistent with neurobiological findings (Dutton & Painter, 1993)
- Research shows it takes an average of 7 attempts to leave an abusive relationship, largely due to intermittent reinforcement conditioning (National Domestic Violence Hotline)
- Studies demonstrate that “no contact” breaks the conditioning within 60-90 days for most individuals, though cravings can persist longer (Carnes, 2019)
- Brain imaging shows the nucleus accumbens (reward centre) is 50% more active during anticipation of uncertain rewards versus certain ones (Knutson et al., 2001)
- 75% of abuse survivors report the unpredictability of kindness was more psychologically damaging than consistent cruelty (Dutton & Goodman, 2005)
The Neuroscience
Brain imaging studies show that unpredictable rewards activate the reward system more strongly than predictable ones. The nucleus accumbens—the brain’s “reward center”—shows heightened activity during anticipation of uncertain rewards.
This same system is hijacked by:
- Gambling
- Social media (variable reward of likes/comments)
- Abusive relationships
Understanding that you’re dealing with a neurological phenomenon, not a character flaw, is crucial for self-compassion during recovery.
Frequently Asked Questions
Intermittent reinforcement is an unpredictable pattern of rewards and punishments—cycles of affection and abuse, kindness and cruelty—that creates powerful psychological dependency. It's the same principle that makes gambling addictive, explaining why victims feel 'addicted' to abusers.
The brain's dopamine system responds most strongly to unpredictable rewards, not consistent ones. Each interaction might bring the return of the loving person, creating hope that keeps you engaged. You become bonded because of the pattern of abuse, not despite it.
Signs include feeling addicted to the relationship despite knowing it's harmful, spending enormous energy predicting their mood, feeling intense relief when they're kind, excusing bad behavior because 'they're not always like this,' and being unable to leave despite wanting to.
Intermittent reinforcement is the mechanism that creates trauma bonds. The unpredictable cycles of abuse and kindness condition your brain through dopamine dysregulation, creating an addiction-like attachment that makes leaving extraordinarily difficult.
Understand you're experiencing a conditioning pattern, not weakness. Go no contact—the only way to break the conditioning is stopping the intermittent rewards entirely. Expect withdrawal symptoms. Build consistent, reliable relationships. Work with a trauma-informed therapist.
