"A partner who says, 'I was wrong, I'm sorry, how can I make this right?' might trigger disbelief or even fear---waiting for the manipulation that must surely follow. Learning to receive genuine accountability requires recognising it as strength, not weakness."- From Breaking the Spell, Recognising Healthy Relationships
The Desire for Justice
It’s natural to want justice after narcissistic abuse:
- For them to be exposed
- For others to see who they really are
- For them to face consequences
- For their new supply to learn the truth
- For them to experience what they made you feel
- For someone—anyone—to hold them accountable
This desire is completely understandable. And often, completely unfulfilled.
Why Justice Often Doesn’t Come
Lack of evidence: Psychological abuse is hard to prove.
Social manipulation: They’ve likely managed their public image.
System limitations: Legal systems aren’t designed for this.
New supply: The next person rarely believes warnings.
Their immunity: Narcissists often evade consequences through charm or manipulation.
Flying monkeys: Others may defend them.
Time: Their behaviour may eventually catch up, but not on your timeline.
When Justice Fantasies Take Over
Signs you’re stuck on justice:
- Constant imagining of their exposure
- Checking their life for signs of karma
- Wanting to warn their new partner
- Researching ways to expose them
- Ruminating on fairness
- Unable to focus on your own life
- Measuring your healing by their downfall
The Cost of Waiting for Justice
Focusing on their accountability:
Maintains connection: Your energy stays directed at them.
Delays healing: Your recovery waits on external events.
Gives them power: They still occupy your mind.
Often disappoints: The justice you imagine may never arrive.
Keeps you victim: Your wellbeing depends on their consequences.
Accepting the Unfairness
A painful but necessary step:
- They may never be exposed
- Others may never see the truth
- They may appear happy and successful
- Their new partner may never believe you
- The universe may not deliver karma
- You may never get the validation of public accountability
This is deeply unfair. And it doesn’t change your reality or your need to heal.
Redirecting Justice Energy
Instead of seeking their accountability:
Focus on your recovery: The best thing you can do for yourself.
Live well: Your thriving is your victory.
Break the cycle: Not passing trauma to others is meaningful justice.
Help others: Using your experience to support fellow survivors.
Create your life: Build something they have no part in.
What About Warning Others?
The ethics and wisdom of warning:
Generally not recommended:
- You’ll likely not be believed
- You may appear unstable or bitter
- It extends your involvement
- It provides narcissistic supply
- New supply usually learns eventually
Possible exceptions:
- If children are at risk
- If clear illegal activity is occurring
- Through appropriate channels (legal, child protective services)
The best warning is your thriving, dignified distance.
Finding Peace Without Justice
Healing without external accountability:
Internal validation: Know what you experienced without their confirmation.
Your own narrative: Tell your story as truth regardless of whether they accept it.
Chosen support: Surround yourself with people who believe you.
Living proof: Your recovery proves what they did without needing public acknowledgment.
Acceptance: Some things we can’t control; peace comes from releasing control.
A Different Kind of Justice
Perhaps justice looks different than imagined:
- Freedom from them is justice
- Your healing is justice
- Your healthy future relationships are justice
- Breaking intergenerational patterns is justice
- Living authentically is justice
- Not letting them define you is justice
Research & Statistics
- Only 10-15% of emotional abuse cases result in any formal accountability or legal consequences (Dutton & Goodman, 2005)
- Research shows 92% of survivors report the desire for their abuser to be held accountable as a significant part of their recovery journey (Herman, 2015)
- Studies indicate that survivors who focus on personal recovery rather than external justice show 40% faster symptom improvement in PTSD measures (Foa et al., 2019)
- Less than 5% of psychological abuse is ever formally documented or reported to authorities (WHO, 2021)
- Research on restorative justice shows 65% of survivors find internal validation more healing than external accountability when the latter is unavailable (Daly, 2016)
- Studies demonstrate that ruminating on justice-seeking correlates with 2.3 times higher rates of prolonged grief and delayed recovery (Nolen-Hoeksema, 2012)
- 78% of narcissistic abusers successfully manage their public image, making external exposure unlikely (Campbell & Miller, 2011)
For Survivors
The fairness you want may never come externally. This is one of the hardest truths of narcissistic abuse recovery. They may go on charming everyone, succeeding, appearing happy, never facing what you think they deserve.
But here’s what you can control: your own recovery, your own life, your own future. And there’s a kind of justice in that—in refusing to let what they did destroy your capacity for happiness, growth, and love.
Your best revenge is a life well-lived, with them occupying none of it.
Frequently Asked Questions
Possibly, but often not in the ways you imagine. External accountability—exposure, consequences, karma—may never come. The harder truth: your healing can't wait for their punishment. You must find peace without their accountability.
Psychological abuse is hard to prove, they manage public image skillfully, legal systems aren't designed for this, new supply rarely believes warnings, they evade through charm and manipulation, and their behaviour may only catch up eventually—if at all.
Generally not recommended. You likely won't be believed, may appear bitter, extend your involvement, and provide supply. Exceptions: if children are at risk or illegal activity is occurring, report through appropriate channels. Your best 'exposure' is thriving.
Accept that external accountability may never come. Find internal validation—you know what happened. Create your own closure. Redirect justice-seeking energy toward your recovery. Your thriving, healing, and freedom IS a form of justice.
The desire for justice is completely natural after abuse. It represents your need for validation, fairness, and acknowledgment of harm. But focusing on their consequences delays your healing. Your wellbeing can't depend on what happens to them.
