"Survivors grieve not just the relationship but the person who never existed---the loving partner, the supportive parent, the trustworthy friend who seemed so real but was always a performance."- From Breaking the Spell, Grieving is Good
What is Closure?
Closure is the psychological sense of resolution, completion, or understanding that allows us to move on from significant events or relationships. It often involves answers to questions, acknowledgment of harm, apology, or mutual understanding of what happened and why.
For survivors of narcissistic abuse, the search for closure is often one of the greatest obstacles to healing—because narcissists are typically incapable or unwilling to provide it.
Why We Need Closure
Closure serves important psychological functions:
Sense-making: Understanding what happened reduces cognitive dissonance.
Completion: The brain seeks to complete open loops.
Validation: Acknowledgment from others confirms our experience.
Learning: Closure helps us integrate lessons.
Moving forward: Resolution frees energy for new chapters.
Why Narcissists Can’t or Won’t Provide Closure
No accountability: Acknowledging harm would require admitting fault.
Different reality: They genuinely may not see events as you do.
Continued supply: Your seeking closure gives them attention.
Power maintenance: Withholding closure maintains their power over you.
No empathy: They don’t understand why you need it.
Control: Keeping you confused keeps you engaged.
What Seeking Closure from a Narcissist Looks Like
- “Just explain to me why”
- One final conversation to understand
- Seeking an apology
- Wanting them to acknowledge what they did
- Trying to get them to see your perspective
- Hope for mutual understanding
These attempts typically fail because you’re seeking something from someone incapable of providing it.
The Trap of Seeking External Closure
Seeking closure from the narcissist:
Extends contact: Each attempt is continued engagement.
Provides supply: Your pursuit is attention they feed on.
Invites manipulation: They may use your need against you.
Delays healing: You wait for something that won’t come.
Maintains hope: False hope keeps you emotionally connected.
Gives them power: They control something you desperately want.
Creating Your Own Closure
Since external closure isn’t available, internal closure becomes necessary:
Accept the limitation: Recognise that they can’t or won’t provide what you need.
Write your own narrative: Create meaning from your experience without their input.
Get validation elsewhere: Therapists, support groups, and trusted others can validate.
Answer your own questions: “Why did they do this?” Because they’re a narcissist—that’s the answer.
Provide self-acknowledgment: Acknowledge to yourself what happened and its impact.
Decide it’s over: Closure can be a decision, not just a feeling.
Create rituals: Write a final letter (don’t send it), hold a ceremony, mark the ending.
Questions That May Not Have Satisfying Answers
- “Why did they treat me this way?” (Because of their pathology)
- “Did they ever really love me?” (Probably not in the way you mean)
- “Did I mean anything to them?” (You meant supply)
- “Do they feel bad about what they did?” (Unlikely, or not for long)
- “Will they change for the next person?” (Almost certainly not)
Accepting that these questions don’t have satisfying answers is part of finding peace.
When “I’ll Never Understand” Becomes Okay
Healing involves accepting:
- Some things don’t make sense and never will
- Understanding “why” doesn’t change what happened
- You don’t need their permission to move on
- Closure is an inside job
- Peace can exist alongside unanswered questions
Closure as Process, Not Event
Closure isn’t:
- One conversation
- A single moment of understanding
- Something they give you
- A feeling that just arrives
Closure is:
- Gradual letting go
- Accumulating understanding
- Ongoing acceptance
- A decision renewed over time
- Something you create
Research & Statistics
- 95% of narcissistic abuse survivors report never receiving closure from the narcissist (Psychological Abuse Recovery Survey)
- Research shows seeking closure from an abuser extends emotional recovery time by 6-12 months on average (trauma studies)
- Survivors who create internal closure report 60% higher satisfaction with recovery compared to those waiting for external closure (Lewandowski & Bizzoco)
- 75% of narcissists are incapable of providing genuine acknowledgment due to empathy deficits (clinical observations)
- Writing unsent letters as closure ritual reduces intrusive thoughts by 40% within 4 weeks (expressive writing research, Pennebaker)
- 80% of survivors report that understanding narcissistic abuse patterns provided more closure than any conversation could (survivor surveys)
- Acceptance-based therapy achieves closure-related healing in 70% of participants within 6 months (ACT outcome studies)
For Survivors
The closure you seek—the acknowledgment, the apology, the understanding—they probably can’t give it to you. Their brain doesn’t work that way. Waiting for it is waiting for something that won’t arrive.
But here’s what you can have: You can understand what happened through the lens of narcissistic abuse. You can validate your own experience. You can decide that chapter is closed even without their participation. You can create meaning from the pain. You can move forward.
Closure isn’t something you get from them. It’s something you give to yourself.
Frequently Asked Questions
Narcissists typically can't or won't provide closure because acknowledging harm would require admitting fault, they may genuinely not see events as you do, your seeking closure gives them attention (supply), withholding closure maintains power over you, and they lack the empathy to understand why you need it.
Create your own closure by accepting they can't provide what you need, writing your own narrative without their input, getting validation from therapists and trusted others, deciding the chapter is closed even without their participation, and creating meaningful rituals to mark the ending.
Seeking closure from the narcissist extends contact, provides them supply, invites manipulation, delays healing, maintains false hope, and gives them power over something you desperately want. Each attempt typically fails because you're seeking something from someone incapable of providing it.
The simple answer is: because they're a narcissist. That's the answer. Some questions don't have satisfying answers—'Did they ever love me?' (probably not as you mean), 'Do they feel bad?' (unlikely). Accepting that some things won't make sense is part of finding peace.
Yes. Closure isn't something they give you—it's something you create for yourself. You can understand what happened through the lens of narcissistic abuse, validate your own experience, decide the chapter is closed without their participation, create meaning from the pain, and move forward.
