"Passive aggression is anger wearing a mask. The backhanded compliment, the 'forgotten' commitment, the task done wrong, the helpful 'concern' that cuts deep—each delivers hostility while the delivery person smiles. When you react, you're the one who looks angry. They're just being helpful, and you're so sensitive."
What Is Passive Aggression?
Passive aggression is the indirect expression of hostility. Instead of expressing anger, resentment, or opposition directly, the passive aggressive person expresses it through subtle, covert, or indirect means that allow them to deny their hostility.
It’s aggression in disguise—delivering harm while appearing harmless, expressing anger while claiming they’re not angry, attacking while looking innocent.
Examples of Passive Aggressive Behavior
Backhanded Compliments
Compliments that are actually insults:
- “You look great for your age”
- “You’re smarter than you look”
- “That’s good for someone like you”
- “I wish I could be as carefree about my appearance as you”
Deliberate Inefficiency
Doing tasks poorly when they don’t want to do them:
- “Forgetting” to do things you asked
- Doing chores so badly you do them yourself
- Procrastinating on your requests
- Making “mistakes” that harm your interests
Sulking and Withdrawal
- Silent treatment instead of expressing upset
- Sulking but denying anything is wrong
- Sighing, eye-rolling, body language that contradicts words
- “I’m fine” when clearly not fine
Sarcasm and “Jokes”
- Hostile comments disguised as humor
- “I’m just kidding” after something cutting
- Mocking you and calling it teasing
- “You can’t take a joke” when you react
Sabotage
- Subtly undermining your efforts
- “Accidentally” ruining things that matter to you
- Agreeing to help then not following through
- Creating obstacles while appearing supportive
Weaponized “Concern”
- “I’m worried about your weight”
- “Are you sure you can handle that?”
- “I’m just concerned about how you come across”
- Criticism disguised as caring
Agreeing Then Resisting
- Saying yes but not doing it
- Agreeing verbally, resisting in action
- “I forgot” as a pattern
- Passive resistance to requests
Why Narcissists Use Passive Aggression
Maintains Image
- They appear pleasant, reasonable
- Direct aggression would expose them
- They can be cruel while looking kind
- Others see a nice person
Deniability
- “I was just joking”
- “You’re misunderstanding”
- “I didn’t mean it that way”
- “I was trying to help”
Makes You the Reactive One
When you respond to the hidden aggression:
- You look like the angry one
- They look like the victim
- You seem “too sensitive”
- The focus shifts to your reaction
Avoids Accountability
- They can claim innocence
- There’s no clear aggression to address
- It’s hard to prove
- They maintain the upper hand
Control and Punishment
- They express displeasure without confrontation
- They punish without evidence
- They maintain power dynamics
- They get their way through resistance
The Crazymaking Effect
Passive aggression is particularly crazy-making because:
The Gap Between Words and Impact
- Their words say one thing
- Their impact is another
- You’re hurt but can’t point to clear cause
- “They didn’t really say anything wrong”
You Question Yourself
- Am I being too sensitive?
- Maybe they didn’t mean it
- I can’t prove anything
- Maybe I’m imagining it
No Valid Complaint
- If you address it, they deny it
- If you react, you’re the problem
- You’re left with the impact but no legitimate grievance
- It’s harm without a perpetrator
The Pattern is Clear, The Instances Aren’t
- Each individual incident is deniable
- The overall pattern is unmistakable
- But you can’t address a pattern if each instance is explained away
Recognizing Passive Aggression
Trust Your Body
- Your body responds to the hostility even when your mind second-guesses
- Tension, discomfort, the “hit” feeling
- That’s data, even if you can’t articulate it
Look for Patterns
- One “forgotten” request might be accident
- Consistent forgetting is passive aggression
- Look at the overall picture
- Patterns reveal intent
Notice the Gap
- Their words vs. your feeling
- Their surface meaning vs. the impact
- What they say they meant vs. the effect
- The disconnect is the clue
Observe Others’ Reactions
- Do others feel the “jab” in their words?
- Are you consistently feeling hurt by this person?
- Trust that it’s not all you
Responding to Passive Aggression
Name the Dynamic
Bring the covert to overt:
- “That sounded like it might have been a dig”
- “It seems like you’re upset about something”
- “Your words say one thing but I’m feeling something else”
Don’t Accept the Denial
- They will deny it
- You don’t have to believe the denial
- “It still felt that way to me”
- Trust your perception
Don’t Over-Explain
- You don’t need to prove it
- They know what they’re doing
- Excessive explanation gives them more to deny
- State your observation and stop
Set Boundaries
- “That kind of comment isn’t okay with me”
- “If you’re upset about something, I’d rather you say it directly”
- “I’m not going to respond to sarcasm”
- Then follow through
Don’t Take the Bait
- They may want you to react so you look bad
- Respond calmly if at all
- Don’t let them provoke a reaction they can use against you
Decide What You’ll Accept
- Chronic passive aggression is damaging
- You can’t fix it if they won’t acknowledge it
- Consider whether this relationship works for you
- You’re allowed to refuse to live with constant covert hostility
For Survivors
If you’ve been on the receiving end:
- Your perception is valid
- The hostility was real even if disguised
- You’re not “too sensitive”—you’re accurately sensing aggression
- The crazymaking was intentional
- You don’t have to accept behavior just because it’s deniable
Passive aggression is a choice to express hostility while avoiding accountability. It allows the person to harm you and then deny they did anything wrong. This is manipulation. The fact that you can’t prove it doesn’t mean it didn’t happen.
Trust what you felt. Trust the pattern you observed. You don’t need their acknowledgment to know what happened. You don’t need to prove it to anyone. You experienced it. That’s enough to make decisions about what you’ll accept in your life.
Frequently Asked Questions
Passive aggressive behavior is indirect expression of hostility—expressing anger, resentment, or opposition through subtle or covert means rather than directly. Examples include backhanded compliments, deliberate forgetting, intentional inefficiency, sulking, procrastination, and subtle sabotage.
Passive aggression allows narcissists to: express hostility while maintaining a positive image, attack with deniability ('I was just trying to help'), make you the one who looks reactive, avoid accountability for direct aggression, and maintain control while appearing innocent.
Examples include: backhanded compliments ('You look good for your age'), deliberate inefficiency, 'forgetting' important things, procrastinating on requests, sulking instead of communicating, sarcasm disguised as humor, agreeing then not following through, and sabotaging your efforts subtly.
Signs include: their words seem positive but feel bad, you feel hurt but can't point to clear aggression, they deny hostility ('I was joking'), patterns of 'forgetting' or mistakes that harm you, you feel gaslit about your reaction, and a consistent gap between what they say and what they do.
Name what you observe: 'It seems like you're upset about something.' Don't accept the denial of hostility. Trust your perception. Set boundaries around the behavior. Don't get pulled into defending yourself against 'jokes.' Decide what you're willing to accept.
When chronic and intentional, yes. Consistent passive aggression creates a hostile environment while denying the victim any valid complaint. It's crazymaking—you're harmed but told nothing happened. This is a form of emotional and psychological abuse.
