"Projective identification goes beyond simple projection. The narcissist does not merely attribute their shame to you—they deposit it in you. Through subtle manipulation, they create the conditions for you to actually feel the worthlessness they cannot bear. You become the container for what they have disowned."
What is Projective Identification?
Projective identification is a complex psychological mechanism that goes beyond simple projection. In projection, you attribute your own feelings to someone else (“You’re the angry one, not me”). In projective identification, you project your feelings onto someone else AND manipulate them—often unconsciously—until they actually experience those feelings themselves.
The concept was introduced by psychoanalyst Melanie Klein and is considered one of the more primitive defense mechanisms. It’s particularly relevant in understanding narcissistic abuse because it explains how victims come to feel the narcissist’s disowned emotions.
How It Works
Step 1: The Projection
The narcissist has unbearable feelings—shame, inadequacy, emptiness, worthlessness. These feelings are intolerable to their fragile self-image, so they project them outward: “I’m not worthless, YOU are worthless.”
Step 2: The Induction
Unlike simple projection, the narcissist doesn’t just believe you have these qualities—they treat you in ways that make you feel them. Through:
- Constant criticism
- Gaslighting
- Contemptuous behavior
- Impossible standards
- Withdrawal of affection
They create conditions where you begin to actually feel worthless.
Step 3: The Identification
You start to identify with the projected material. You feel the shame. You believe you’re inadequate. You become the container for what the narcissist couldn’t bear to feel themselves.
Step 4: The Confirmation
Now that you’re displaying signs of shame or inadequacy, the narcissist can point to you as proof: “See? You ARE the problem.” The projection is confirmed by the behavior they induced.
In Narcissistic Relationships
What Gets Projected
Narcissists typically project:
- Shame: Their deep, unbearable shame becomes your felt sense of being defective
- Inadequacy: Their hidden belief in their worthlessness becomes your self-doubt
- Emptiness: Their inner void becomes your feeling of hollowness
- Badness: Their disowned “bad” parts become your sense of being wrong
- Dependency: Their hidden neediness becomes your “clingy” behavior
- Weakness: Their vulnerability becomes your “oversensitivity”
The Experience of Receiving
If you’ve been in a relationship with a narcissist, you may recognize:
- Feeling emotions that seem to come from nowhere
- Becoming someone you don’t recognize
- Chronic shame that doesn’t match your actual behavior
- Feeling “crazy” or confused about your own feelings
- Acting in ways that aren’t typical for you
- A sense that something is being put into you
Why It’s So Confusing
The Feelings Are Real
Unlike simple projection (which you can dismiss as their misperception), projective identification creates real feelings in you. You actually feel the shame. This makes it hard to recognize as coming from outside yourself.
It’s Unconscious
Often, neither party is conscious of the process. The narcissist isn’t deliberately thinking “I’ll make them feel my shame.” It’s an automatic defense mechanism. And you’re not aware you’re being manipulated into feeling someone else’s emotions.
It Shapes Identity
Over time, you may internalize these projected parts as your own. Your identity becomes organized around carrying the narcissist’s disowned emotions. You become “the inadequate one,” “the emotional one,” “the unstable one.”
It Creates Dependency
In a strange way, projective identification creates a bond. The narcissist needs you to contain their unbearable feelings. This creates an intensity that can feel like connection but is actually a form of psychological parasitism.
Recognizing Projective Identification
Signs You May Be Receiving
- Feelings that seem disproportionate to the situation
- Suddenly feeling emotions that weren’t there before an interaction
- Acting in ways that don’t match your usual self
- Taking on shame that belongs to someone else’s behavior
- Feeling “contaminated” by someone else’s emotional material
- Others’ perceptions of you changing after time with the projector
Questions to Ask
- “Did I feel this way before this relationship?”
- “Does the intensity of this feeling match what actually happened?”
- “Am I feeling something that the other person seems to have just shed?”
- “Has my sense of myself changed since being with this person?”
Breaking Free
Awareness
Recognizing the mechanism is the first step. When you can name it, you can begin to separate your own feelings from what’s been projected into you.
Boundaries
Strong boundaries reduce the narcissist’s ability to manipulate you into feeling their projections. They need access to you to complete the process.
Sorting
With help (often therapeutic), you can sort through what’s yours versus what you’ve absorbed. This is delicate work because the feelings are real—you really do feel them—but their origin is external.
Distance
Physical and emotional distance from the projector often brings clarity. The feelings may lessen or lift when you’re no longer receiving the ongoing projection.
Reclaiming
Eventually, you can reclaim your own emotional experience, separate from what was deposited in you. You can return what doesn’t belong to you—not by projecting it back, but by simply refusing to carry it anymore.
For Survivors
If you recognize yourself as having been a container for someone else’s projections:
- What you felt was real, AND it didn’t originate with you
- You are not what they made you feel you were
- The shame, inadequacy, and worthlessness belong to them, not you
- Recovery involves separating your true self from what was projected
- You can put down what doesn’t belong to you
The confusion you felt was not a sign of your dysfunction—it was a normal response to being used as a psychological container. Understanding projective identification can help you make sense of experiences that may have seemed incomprehensible.
Frequently Asked Questions
Projective identification is a psychological defense where someone projects unwanted parts of themselves onto another person, then subtly manipulates that person to actually experience and act out those projected feelings. It's like emotionally making someone else carry your unbearable feelings.
In simple projection, you attribute your feelings to someone else ('You're angry, not me'). In projective identification, you actually induce those feelings in the other person through your behavior. The other person begins to actually feel and sometimes act out what you've projected.
Narcissists project their disowned shame, inadequacy, and worthlessness onto partners and children. Through criticism, gaslighting, and manipulation, they induce these feelings in their targets. The victim starts feeling the shame and worthlessness that belongs to the narcissist.
You may experience emotions that don't seem to be yours—sudden shame, inadequacy, or rage. You may find yourself acting in ways that aren't typical for you. You feel like you're 'going crazy' or becoming someone you don't recognize. These are often signs you're carrying the narcissist's projected material.
Awareness is key—recognizing when feelings don't match the situation. Boundaries help prevent the manipulation that induces the feelings. Therapy can help sort out what's yours versus what you've internalized from others. Distance from the projector often brings clarity.
It's confusing because you actually feel the projected emotions—they become real for you. It makes you doubt yourself. It can shape your identity around someone else's disowned parts. And because it's unconscious for both parties, it's hard to recognize and stop.
