Red Flags

What Are Red Flags?

Red flags are early warning signs that someone may be narcissistic, manipulative, or potentially abusive. They’re patterns of behavior that suggest possible problems—not definitive proof, but signals that warrant closer attention.

The goal of learning red flags isn’t to become paranoid or to convict people based on single behaviors. It’s to develop discernment: the ability to notice when something is off, trust your perception, and make informed decisions about whether to proceed.

Major Red Flags for Narcissism

Love Bombing

Overwhelming attention, affection, and intensity early on:

• Excessive flattery
• Premature declarations of love
• Constant contact
• Moving too fast
• “You’re my soulmate” after two weeks
• Too good to be true = probably is

Never Wrong

Inability to accept fault or apologize genuinely:

• Always has justifications
• Turns it around on you
• Apologies that aren’t really apologies
• “I’m sorry you feel that way”
• Cannot tolerate being wrong

Self-Centeredness

Conversations always circle back to them:

• Monopolizes discussions
• Uninterested in your life
• One-upmanship
• Your stories trigger their better stories
• You feel unheard

Boundary Violations

Disrespecting your limits:

• Pushing past your “no”
• Testing boundaries
• Acting hurt by your limits
• Treating boundaries as obstacles
• Persistence despite clear rejection

Treatment of Others

How they treat people who can do nothing for them:

• Contempt for service workers
• Rudeness to “lower status” people
• Cruel about others behind their backs
• Looks down on people
• Charm is selective

All Exes Are Crazy

Everyone before you was terrible:

• No responsibility for past relationship failures
• All exes were abusive/crazy/at fault
• Victim in every story
• You’re the first person to understand them
• (Wonder how you’ll be described later)

Inconsistency

Words don’t match actions:

• Promises made but not kept
• “I’m not like that” but acts exactly like that
• Declarations of love + disrespectful behavior
• Saying one thing, doing another
• Stories that don’t add up

Too Much Too Soon

Rapid intimacy and commitment pressure:

• Wanting exclusivity immediately
• Planning your future together on date three
• Resenting your other relationships
• Creating intensity and urgency
• “Why wait when we know it’s right?”

Jealousy and Possessiveness

Early signs of control:

• Jealousy framed as love
• Wanting to know where you are constantly
• Suspicious of your other relationships
• Criticism of friends and family
• “I just care so much about you”

Lack of Empathy Signs

Hints of empathy deficit:

• Cold when you’re upset
• Dismissive of your feelings
• Making your struggles about them
• Bored by your problems
• Unable to sit with your emotions

Yellow Flags vs. Red Flags

Yellow Flags (Caution)

Concerning but not definitive:

• Could be explained by circumstances
• May be isolated incidents
• Worth watching and discussing
• Ask questions before concluding
• Could indicate issues or could be normal

Red Flags (Serious Warning)

More clearly problematic:

• Pattern rather than incident
• Indicates character issues
• Difficulty explaining innocently
• Your gut is strongly signaling
• Others notice too

The Difference

A single awkward moment isn’t a red flag. A pattern of disrespecting your time, feelings, or boundaries is. The question is always: Is this an exception or a rule?

Why We Miss Red Flags

Love Bombing Obscures

The charm offensive creates:

• Attachment before problems emerge
• Desire to preserve the good feelings
• Willingness to overlook
• Benefit of the doubt they haven’t earned
• Investment before information

We Want to Believe

Hope overrides caution:

• We want the relationship to work
• We see potential over reality
• We believe what we’re told over what we see
• We want to be loved

Rationalization

We explain away concerns:

• “They had a bad day”
• “I’m probably being too sensitive”
• “It’s not that bad”
• “Everyone has flaws”
• “They didn’t mean it”

Childhood Normalization

If dysfunction was normal growing up:

• Red flags may feel familiar
• Warning signs feel like “home”
• You don’t recognize what’s wrong
• Normal feels boring or suspicious
• Dysfunction feels like love

Lack of Education

Many people aren’t taught:

• What healthy relationships look like
• What narcissism is
• What abuse patterns look like
• How to trust their intuition
• That red flags exist

Learning to See Red Flags

Education

Learn about:

• Narcissism and NPD traits
• Abuse patterns and dynamics
• Healthy vs. unhealthy relationships
• Manipulation tactics
• What to watch for

Reflection

Look back at past relationships:

• What were the early signs you missed?
• What did your gut tell you?
• When did you make excuses?
• What would you watch for now?
• What patterns do you repeat?

Trust Your Gut

Your body knows:

• Anxiety or unease around them
• Feeling “off” without explanation
• Relief when they cancel plans
• Tension in your body
• Instincts saying something’s wrong

Watch Actions

Pay attention to what they do:

• Does it match what they say?
• How do they treat others?
• What happens when stressed?
• Are they consistent over time?
• Do actions confirm words?

Take Your Time

Slow down:

• Resist pressure to commit quickly
• Let the relationship unfold
• Watch how they handle frustration
• See them in different contexts
• Trust should be earned, not assumed

When You See Red Flags

Don’t Dismiss

• Your perception is valid
• Red flags don’t go away by ignoring them
• Hoping it’s nothing doesn’t make it nothing
• Early intervention is easier than later extraction

Don’t Overreact

• One flag isn’t a conviction
• Assess the pattern
• Consider context
• Ask questions when appropriate
• Make thoughtful decisions

Trust Yourself

• If something feels wrong, it might be
• You don’t need proof to be cautious
• You don’t owe anyone a relationship
• Your safety matters most
• Better to be wrong about danger than wrong about safety

For Survivors

If you missed red flags before:

• You weren’t stupid—you were trusting
• Narcissists are skilled at hiding
• You likely didn’t know what to look for
• Your childhood may have normalized dysfunction
• Knowledge now helps protect your future

The red flags were there, but seeing them requires knowing what to look for and trusting yourself to look. Now you know more. Now you can look more clearly. The past wasn’t about failure—it was about information you didn’t have yet.

Going forward, you can learn to notice earlier, trust yourself more, and make different choices. The red flags, once learned, become protection—not because you’ll never miss any, but because you’ll catch more, sooner, and act on what you see.