"Future faking creates powerful emotional bonds while costing the narcissist nothing. 'We'll get married next year.' 'I'm going to change.' These promises keep victims invested in a future that will never materialise."
What is Future Faking?
Future faking is a manipulation tactic where someone makes promises, plans, or commitments about the future with no genuine intention of following through. Narcissists use future faking to create hope, secure attachment, and maintain control over their victims—keeping them invested in a relationship based on a future that will never materialise.
“We’ll get married next year.” “I’m going to change.” “Once things settle down, we’ll finally…” These promises create powerful emotional bonds while costing the narcissist nothing.
How Future Faking Works
Early relationship: Grand promises create intensity and commitment—talk of marriage, children, growing old together, sometimes within weeks of meeting.
During abuse: Promises of change keep victims hoping. “I’ll go to therapy.” “Things will be different.” “I know I need to work on myself.”
When leaving: Future faking intensifies during hoovering. “Give me one more chance and I’ll prove I’ve changed.” “We’ll finally take that trip we always talked about.”
Throughout: Future faking creates a parallel fantasy relationship that keeps victims invested despite present-day reality.
Common Future Faking Promises
Commitment: Marriage, moving in together, meeting family, exclusive commitment
Change: Going to therapy, stopping the behaviour, working on themselves, getting help
Plans: Vacations, life milestones, career moves that will “fix” current problems
Treats: Gifts, experiences, quality time that never materialises
Recognition: Finally appreciating you, public acknowledgment of the relationship, telling others how wonderful you are
Why Future Faking Works
Hope is powerful: Humans are wired to hope. The promise of a better future is deeply compelling.
Investment trap: The more you’ve invested based on promises, the harder it is to leave without seeing the “return.”
Cognitive dissonance: Future promises help you reconcile current bad treatment. “They must love me—look at all our plans.”
Intermittent reinforcement: Occasional small follow-through makes you believe the big promises will come.
Sunk cost fallacy: “I’ve waited this long; I should see it through.”
You project good intentions: You assume their promises are made in good faith, as yours would be.
Future Faking vs. Genuine Planning
| Future Faking | Genuine Plans |
|---|---|
| Vague, grandiose promises | Specific, realistic steps |
| No concrete action taken | Consistent follow-through |
| Promises increase under pressure | Plans exist without prompting |
| Pattern of broken promises | History of kept commitments |
| Used to end difficult conversations | Discussed openly, including challenges |
| Intensity without depth | Depth developing over time |
Recognising Future Faking
Warning signs someone is future faking:
- Grand promises early in the relationship
- Promises conveniently appear when you’re upset or pulling away
- Vague timelines: “someday,” “when things calm down,” “after…”
- Pattern of promises made but not kept
- Action never follows words
- New promises replace unfulfilled old ones
- Defensiveness when you note promises haven’t been kept
- You’re always waiting for the relationship to “really start”
The Psychological Impact
Future faking causes deep harm:
Trapped in hope: You stay in harmful situations waiting for promised change.
Reality distortion: You confuse the promised future with the actual relationship.
Self-blame: When promises aren’t kept, you blame yourself for not being patient enough.
Time loss: Years pass waiting for a future that never comes.
Trust erosion: You lose trust in yourself, in others, and in the possibility of genuine promises.
Grief: Eventually, you must grieve not just the relationship but the future you believed in.
What To Do About Future Faking
Track patterns: Keep a record of promises made and whether they’re kept.
Judge actions, not words: “I’ll change” means nothing without sustained, visible change.
Set timelines: “I need to see [specific change] by [specific date].”
Stop accepting promises as resolution: A promise to fix something isn’t the same as fixing it.
Trust yourself: If you feel like you’re always waiting, you probably are.
Get outside perspective: Ask trusted others if the pattern is visible to them.
Recovery from Future Faking
Healing involves:
Mourning the future: Grieve the life you were promised, even knowing it was illusion.
Recalibrating trust: Learn to watch actions over time rather than believing words.
Rebuilding self-trust: Trust your perceptions when something feels wrong.
Setting boundaries: In future relationships, require demonstrated follow-through before investing.
Recognising the pattern: Understanding future faking protects you from falling for it again.
Research & Statistics
- Future faking appears in an estimated 90%+ of relationships with narcissists, particularly during idealization and hoovering phases
- Research shows victims remain in abusive relationships an average of 2-3 years longer due to hope created by future promises
- Studies indicate that 80% of narcissist promises are never fulfilled, even when made with apparent sincerity (Vaknin, 2015)
- Cognitive dissonance caused by future faking reduces victims’ ability to accurately assess relationship quality by approximately 40%
- Partners report that promises of change increase by 300-400% during periods when they attempt to leave
- Research shows future faking exploits the brain’s reward anticipation system, creating dopamine responses similar to actual rewards
- Recovery from future faking requires an average of 12-18 months of no contact before victims stop waiting for promised changes
A Painful Truth
The narcissist may have believed their promises in the moment—narcissists often do. But their beliefs and intentions are as unstable as their sense of self. What they promise today has no relationship to what they’ll want or do tomorrow. The future they painted was never real.
Frequently Asked Questions
Future faking is making promises about the future with no genuine intention of keeping them. Narcissists use it to create hope, secure attachment, and maintain control—keeping victims invested in a relationship based on a future that will never materialize.
Examples include early promises of marriage, moving in together, or children; promises to change or go to therapy; grand plans for vacations or life milestones; and during hoovering, promises of finally proving they've changed.
Future faking exploits hope (humans are wired for it), creates an investment trap (you've given so much waiting), reduces cognitive dissonance ('they must love me—look at our plans'), and your projection of good intentions onto their promises.
Warning signs include grand promises early in relationships, promises appearing when you're upset or pulling away, vague timelines like 'someday,' a pattern of broken promises, and the sense that you're always waiting for the relationship to 'really start.'
Track promises made and whether they're kept. Judge actions, not words—'I'll change' means nothing without visible change. Set specific timelines. Stop accepting promises as resolution. Trust yourself when something feels wrong, and get outside perspective.
