"Self-regulation is not something we're born with—it's something we learn through relationships. The infant learns to calm because someone calms them. The child learns to manage emotion because someone manages with them. When these lessons don't come, or when trauma overwhelms whatever regulation was built, the capacity for self-regulation suffers."
What is Self-Regulation?
Self-regulation is the ability to manage your internal states—emotions, physiological arousal, thoughts, impulses, and behaviors—in adaptive ways. It allows you to:
- Calm yourself when upset
- Control impulses
- Manage stress without being overwhelmed
- Maintain attention and focus
- Adjust behavior appropriately to different situations
- Recover from emotional activation
- Delay gratification
It’s the internal thermostat that keeps your psychological and physiological systems within workable ranges.
Components of Self-Regulation
Emotional Regulation
Managing the intensity and duration of emotional states:
- Calming when anxious
- Soothing when hurt
- Managing anger appropriately
- Not being overwhelmed by feelings
Behavioral Regulation
Controlling actions and impulses:
- Inhibiting inappropriate responses
- Acting in line with goals
- Delaying gratification
- Choosing responses rather than reacting
Cognitive Regulation
Managing thoughts and attention:
- Maintaining focus
- Managing intrusive thoughts
- Shifting attention when needed
- Cognitive flexibility
Physiological Regulation
Managing body states:
- Calming the nervous system
- Managing arousal levels
- Sleep regulation
- Appetite regulation
How Self-Regulation Develops
We’re Not Born With It
Infants have virtually no self-regulation:
- They can’t calm themselves
- They’re at the mercy of their states
- They need someone else to regulate them
Co-Regulation First
Regulation begins as a two-person process:
- Baby is distressed
- Caregiver soothes, holds, calms
- Baby’s system settles
- This happens thousands of times
Through co-regulation, the child learns:
- States can change
- Distress can be soothed
- They are not alone with overwhelming feelings
- Regulation is possible
Internalization
Gradually, the external regulation becomes internal:
- The child begins to self-soothe
- They use strategies learned from caregiver
- Brain circuits for regulation develop
- Independent capacity grows
Brain Development
This process shapes brain development:
- Prefrontal cortex (regulatory regions) develops
- Connections between emotional and regulatory areas strengthen
- The “top-down” control of emotions improves
- The capacity becomes part of the person
When Development Goes Wrong
Inconsistent or Absent Co-Regulation
If the caregiver:
- Is unavailable
- Is inconsistent
- Doesn’t know how to regulate
- Is the source of dysregulation
- Is frightening rather than calming
Then the child:
- Doesn’t experience regulation
- Can’t internalize what wasn’t provided
- Brain circuits don’t develop properly
- Self-regulation capacity remains limited
Trauma’s Impact
Trauma affects self-regulation through:
Overwhelming Existing Capacity: Even good regulation can be overwhelmed by severe or chronic stress.
Disrupting Development: Trauma during development prevents normal acquisition of regulatory capacity.
Damaging Brain Circuits: Chronic stress damages prefrontal regions involved in regulation.
Sensitizing the System: The nervous system becomes more reactive and harder to regulate.
The Result
Adults who experienced early adversity or chronic trauma often struggle with:
- Intense emotions that feel unmanageable
- Difficulty calming down
- Impulsive behavior
- Problems with attention
- Mood instability
- Physical regulation problems (sleep, appetite)
Self-Regulation and Narcissistic Abuse
During the Relationship
Narcissistic abuse undermines regulation:
- Constant stress overwhelms capacity
- The abuser may deliberately dysregulate you
- No co-regulation from an unsafe partner
- Expressing emotion is punished
- You learn to suppress rather than regulate
Developmental Impact
If raised by a narcissistic parent:
- Co-regulation was absent or inconsistent
- Child’s emotions were about parent’s needs
- Regulation wasn’t modeled
- The capacity couldn’t develop normally
After the Relationship
Survivors often notice:
- Difficulty managing emotions
- Quick to overwhelm
- Trouble calming down
- Impulsive decisions
- Feeling out of control internally
This reflects the impact on regulatory capacity.
Improving Self-Regulation
Good News
Self-regulation can be improved at any age:
- The brain retains plasticity
- Skills can be learned
- Capacity can be built
- It’s never too late
Therapeutic Relationship
Therapy can provide co-regulation:
- The therapist helps regulate during sessions
- You experience being regulated
- This can be internalized, even in adulthood
- The missed developmental experience is partly provided
Learning Skills
Specific regulation skills can be learned:
- Breathing techniques
- Grounding strategies
- Mindfulness practices
- Cognitive reframing
- Distress tolerance skills
Practice
Regulation improves with practice:
- Using skills regularly
- Building habits
- Strengthening neural pathways
- Gradually increasing capacity
Body-Based Approaches
Working with the body:
- Yoga
- Somatic experiencing
- Movement practices
- Nervous system work
Lifestyle Factors
Supporting regulation through:
- Good sleep
- Regular exercise
- Nutrition
- Reducing alcohol and substances
- Stress management
Building Capacity
The path to better self-regulation:
- Understand your current patterns
- Learn new skills
- Practice consistently
- Experience co-regulation (therapy, safe relationships)
- Be patient with gradual improvement
- Support with lifestyle factors
For Survivors
If you struggle with self-regulation:
- This isn’t weakness or failure
- It likely reflects developmental impacts or trauma
- The capacity wasn’t built or was damaged
- It can be improved at any age
- You deserve support in building this capacity
Self-regulation isn’t about suppressing emotions or always being calm. It’s about having the capacity to manage your internal states so you can live your life effectively. This capacity is learnable. You can build it now, even if it wasn’t built then.
Frequently Asked Questions
Self-regulation is the ability to manage your internal states—emotions, thoughts, impulses, and behaviors—in adaptive ways. It includes calming yourself when upset, controlling impulses, managing stress, maintaining attention, and adjusting your behavior appropriately to different situations.
Self-regulation develops through early relationships—primarily through 'co-regulation,' where a caregiver helps the child manage states they can't manage alone. The child internalizes this capacity over time. The brain circuits for regulation develop through these repeated experiences of being regulated by another.
Trauma impairs self-regulation in multiple ways: it may have disrupted the development of regulation in the first place, it overwhelms existing regulatory capacity, chronic stress damages regulatory brain circuits, and the nervous system becomes dysregulated. Survivors often struggle to manage emotional states.
Narcissistic abuse impacts regulation through: chaotic environments that prevent regulation development, chronic stress that overwhelms capacity, lack of co-regulation from the abuser, emotional states being punished or exploited, and never learning healthy regulation was possible.
Yes. While early development is optimal, self-regulation can be developed or improved at any age through: therapy (especially with co-regulation from the therapist), learning and practicing skills, mindfulness and meditation, body-based practices, and repeated experiences of managing states successfully.
Self-regulation is managing your own states independently. Co-regulation is managing states with help from another person. We start with co-regulation as infants (needing others to calm us) and gradually develop self-regulation. Even adults benefit from co-regulation, especially under stress.
