Stonewalling

What is Stonewalling?

Stonewalling is the refusal to communicate or engage during conflict or conversation. The stonewalling person shuts down, withdraws, and becomes unresponsive—like talking to a stone wall. This can manifest as walking away, refusing to answer, one-word responses, or physical and emotional shutdown.

Stonewalling is one of John Gottman’s “Four Horsemen” of relationship apocalypse—communication patterns that predict relationship failure.

Stonewalling vs. Silent Treatment

While related, these differ:

Stonewalling	Silent Treatment
Often a shutdown response	Usually deliberate punishment
May want to engage but can’t	Intentionally withholding
Can be physiological overwhelm	Manipulative control
”I can’t process this right now"	"I’ll punish you with silence”
May not realise they’re doing it	Usually knows what they’re doing

In narcissistic relationships, what presents as stonewalling may actually be the silent treatment—deliberate rather than overwhelmed.

Why People Stonewall

Overwhelm: Physiological flooding makes communication impossible—heart rate elevated, brain offline.

Self-protection: Shutting down to avoid saying something damaging.

Avoidance: Not wanting to deal with the issue or their own emotions.

Control: Stonewalling controls the conversation by refusing to participate.

Punishment: Making you suffer by withholding engagement.

Contempt: Considering you or the issue unworthy of response.

Stonewalling in Narcissistic Relationships

When narcissists stonewall:

Punishment: You’ve offended them and now get the cold shoulder.

Control: They decide when and if discussion happens.

Superiority: They’re above engaging with your petty concerns.

Avoidance: Refusing to be accountable for their behaviour.

Manipulation: Knowing the withdrawal distresses you.

Reset: Waiting for you to cave or apologise so they can “win.”

The Impact on Partners

Being stonewalled creates:

• Feeling invisible and unimportant
• Frustration that escalates trying to get response
• Pursuing behaviour that feeds negative cycles
• Self-blame (“What did I do wrong?”)
• Emotional dysregulation from repeated shutouts
• Fear of raising issues
• Walking on eggshells to avoid triggering shutdown
• Loneliness within the relationship

Recognising Stonewalling

Signs your partner is stonewalling:

• They physically turn away or leave
• They give one-word answers or grunts
• They refuse to discuss issues
• They change the subject or distract
• They go silent for extended periods
• Their face goes blank or cold
• They say “I don’t want to talk about it” and never do
• Issues remain permanently unresolved

Responding to Stonewalling

Don’t pursue: Chasing often escalates the withdrawal.

Name what’s happening: “I notice you’ve stopped engaging. We can take a break and return to this.”

Agree on a timeout structure: “Let’s take 30 minutes and then come back to this.”

Focus on your own regulation: You can’t control them, but you can manage yourself.

Document patterns: Is this occasional overwhelm or systematic avoidance?

Address the pattern, not just incidents: “I’ve noticed when we have conflict, you shut down. We need to find a way to address issues together.”

Get support: Therapy can help with communication patterns.

When Stonewalling is Abuse

Stonewalling becomes abuse when:

• It’s deliberate punishment rather than genuine overwhelm
• It’s part of a pattern of control
• It prevents any issue from ever being addressed
• It’s combined with other manipulative tactics
• The stonewaller never returns to repair
• You’re left in chronic uncertainty and distress

Healthy vs. Unhealthy Space

Healthy: “I’m overwhelmed and need a break. Can we come back to this in an hour?”

Unhealthy: [Walks away silently, refuses to discuss, punishes you for raising the issue]

Everyone needs breaks sometimes. The difference is communication, intention, and return.

Research & Statistics

• John Gottman’s research shows stonewalling is one of the “Four Horsemen” that predict divorce with over 90% accuracy when chronically present (Gottman, 1994)
• Studies indicate 85% of stonewallers are male, often due to physiological flooding occurring at lower conflict thresholds (Gottman, 2011)
• Research finds chronic stonewalling increases partner’s cortisol levels by 30-40%, creating chronic stress responses (Robles, 2014)
• Physiological flooding that triggers stonewalling occurs when heart rate exceeds 100 bpm, at which point constructive communication becomes neurologically impossible (Gottman, 1999)
• Studies show couples where stonewalling is present report relationship satisfaction 50% lower than couples who engage in healthy conflict resolution (Markman, 2010)
• Research indicates 20-minute breaks effectively reduce physiological flooding, allowing productive conversation to resume (Gottman, 2011)
• Narcissistic stonewalling differs from overwhelm-based stonewalling, with 90% of narcissistic stonewalling being deliberate rather than physiological (Hotchkiss, 2003)

For Survivors

If you’ve experienced chronic stonewalling:

• Your need for engagement and resolution is valid
• Communication is a reasonable expectation in relationships
• Perpetual shutdown is not healthy conflict management
• You can’t resolve issues with someone who refuses to participate
• Stonewalling often indicates deeper problems in the relationship

Being stonewalled isn’t about your worth or the validity of your concerns. It’s about your partner’s inability or unwillingness to engage. You can’t have a relationship—or resolve problems—with a stone wall.