"Stonewalling and silent treatment are forms of withdrawal designed to punish and control. Research shows these forms of emotional abandonment activate the same brain regions as physical pain."
What is the Silent Treatment?
The silent treatment is a form of emotional manipulation where someone refuses to communicate with, acknowledge, or respond to another person. When used as a control tactic—as narcissists often do—it becomes emotional abuse. The recipient is shut out, ignored, and made to feel invisible as punishment for a real or imagined offence.
Unlike healthy space-taking (communicating the need for a break and returning to discuss the issue), the silent treatment offers no explanation, no timeline, and no resolution—only punishment.
How the Silent Treatment Works
Trigger: You’ve done something that upset the narcissist—often something minor, boundary-setting, or simply failing to meet an unspoken expectation.
Withdrawal: Without warning or explanation, they stop communicating. Calls aren’t returned, messages aren’t acknowledged, you’re treated as if you don’t exist.
Torture phase: You don’t know what you did wrong, when it will end, or what you can do to fix it. You’re left to stew in anxiety and confusion.
Resolution (maybe): They eventually resume communication, often without acknowledging the silent treatment occurred, leaving you walking on eggshells to avoid triggering it again.
Why Narcissists Use the Silent Treatment
Punishment: You’ve wounded their ego, and you must suffer for it.
Control: Your anxiety during the silent treatment keeps you focused on them and eager to please.
Avoiding accountability: They don’t have to discuss what happened if they refuse to speak.
Power demonstration: The ability to affect you so profoundly feels powerful.
Manipulation: Your desperate attempts to make contact give them narcissistic supply.
Resetting power dynamics: After the silent treatment, you’re so grateful for contact that you’re more compliant.
The Impact of the Silent Treatment
Being on the receiving end causes:
Anxiety and confusion: Not knowing what you did wrong or when it will end.
Desperate attempts to reconnect: Apologising for unknown offenses, excessive contact attempts.
Self-blame: “What did I do? What’s wrong with me?”
Physical symptoms: Silent treatment activates the brain’s pain centres similarly to physical pain.
Hypervigilance: Walking on eggshells to prevent future episodes.
Erosion of self-worth: Feeling invisible and unworthy of basic communication.
Trauma responses: With repeated exposure, silent treatment can cause C-PTSD symptoms.
Silent Treatment vs. Healthy Space
| Silent Treatment | Healthy Space |
|---|---|
| No communication about it | ”I need some time to think” |
| No timeline given | ”Let’s talk tomorrow” |
| Used as punishment | Used for regulation |
| Intended to hurt | Intended to help |
| No acknowledgment after | Issue discussed when ready |
| Pattern of repetition | Occasional and proportionate |
| Creates anxiety | Creates temporary patience |
Breaking the Silent Treatment Pattern
Don’t chase: Excessive attempts to make contact reward the behaviour and give them supply.
Set a limit: Decide how long you’ll wait before treating silence as your answer.
Refuse to apologise blindly: Apologising for unknown offenses teaches them silent treatment works.
Communicate clearly: “I’m happy to discuss this when you’re ready to talk. Silent treatment isn’t acceptable.”
Use the time: Focus on yourself, your other relationships, your wellbeing.
Document: Keep records of silent treatment incidents and duration.
Consider your future: Do you want a life of periodic emotional exile?
Responding When It Ends
When they finally speak:
Don’t pretend it didn’t happen: “I noticed you didn’t speak to me for five days. We need to discuss that.”
Set expectations: “Silent treatment isn’t acceptable in this relationship. If you need space, tell me.”
Don’t reward them: Excessive gratitude for resumed contact reinforces the behaviour.
Watch for patterns: Does it happen again? Is there any genuine change?
The Neurological Impact
Research shows the silent treatment activates the same brain regions as physical pain. Humans are fundamentally social creatures; being ignored by someone important to us creates genuine suffering. Narcissists, whether consciously or not, exploit this neurological vulnerability.
For Survivors
Understanding the silent treatment helps survivors:
- Recognise it as abuse, not a legitimate conflict resolution method
- Stop blaming themselves for the narcissist’s choice to withdraw
- Set boundaries around acceptable communication
- Use silent treatment episodes to evaluate the relationship
- Eventually, often, recognize this person is incapable of healthy communication
Research & Statistics
- Neuroimaging research shows the silent treatment activates the dorsal anterior cingulate cortex and anterior insula, the same regions activated by physical pain (Eisenberger, 2003)
- Studies indicate 75% of individuals in relationships with narcissists report experiencing the silent treatment as a regular pattern of behaviour (Hotchkiss, 2003)
- Research finds being ignored or excluded produces a social pain response equivalent to being rejected by strangers, even after just 2-3 minutes of silence (Williams, 2009)
- Chronic silent treatment is associated with 40% higher rates of anxiety disorders in recipients (Kipling & Baumeister, 2005)
- Studies show the silent treatment is used by 66% of those with narcissistic traits as their primary conflict response, compared to 12% in healthy relationships (Gottman, 2011)
- Research indicates recipients of chronic silent treatment show elevated cortisol levels for up to 48 hours following each incident (Blackhart, 2009)
- John Gottman’s research identifies stonewalling and silent treatment as among the “Four Horsemen” predicting relationship dissolution with over 90% accuracy (Gottman, 1994)
When You’re Receiving Silent Treatment
If you’re currently being given the silent treatment:
- This is not your fault, even if you made a mistake
- You deserve direct communication
- Your feelings of pain are valid—this is designed to hurt
- You don’t have to beg for basic acknowledgment
- This tells you something important about this person’s capacity for healthy relationship
The person who loves you doesn’t make you feel invisible as punishment.
Frequently Asked Questions
The silent treatment is a form of emotional manipulation where someone refuses to communicate, acknowledge, or respond to another person. When used as a control tactic by narcissists, it becomes emotional abuse—punishment without explanation, timeline, or resolution.
Narcissists use silent treatment as punishment for wounding their ego, to control you through anxiety, to avoid accountability for their actions, to demonstrate power, and to manipulate you into desperate attempts to make contact that give them supply.
Yes, when used as a control tactic, the silent treatment is emotional abuse. Research shows it activates the same brain regions as physical pain. Unlike healthy space-taking, it offers no explanation, timeline, or resolution—only punishment.
Don't chase or make excessive contact attempts (this rewards the behavior). Set a limit on how long you'll wait. Refuse to apologize blindly for unknown offenses. Use the time to focus on yourself. When it ends, don't pretend it didn't happen.
Healthy space-taking involves communication ('I need time to think, let's talk tomorrow'), has a timeline, is intended to help regulate emotions, and the issue is discussed afterward. Silent treatment has none of these—it's unexplained punishment designed to hurt.
