Survivor

What Does “Survivor” Mean?

The term “survivor” refers to someone who has experienced abuse—including narcissistic abuse—and emerged from it. Unlike “victim,” which can imply helplessness and passivity, “survivor” emphasises resilience, agency, and the ongoing journey of healing and reclaiming one’s life.

Many who have experienced narcissistic abuse prefer “survivor” because it honours both what they endured and their strength in moving forward.

Survivor vs. Victim

Victim:

• Describes the factual experience of harm
• Can feel helpless or passive
• May be needed in legal/formal contexts
• Focuses on what was done to you
• Sometimes carries stigma

Survivor:

• Emphasises resilience and agency
• Acknowledges ongoing journey
• Honours strength and growth
• Focuses on moving forward
• Implies hope and possibility

Both terms can be accurate. You can be a victim of narcissistic abuse AND a survivor. The language you use is your choice.

When to Use Each Term

Use “victim” when:

• Describing what happened legally or formally
• Emphasising that harm was done to you (not by you)
• In contexts where “survivor” might minimise the abuse

Use “survivor” when:

• Emphasising your resilience
• Connecting with others on the healing journey
• When it feels more empowering to you
• In recovery-focused contexts

Neither is wrong. Both can be true. Use what resonates with where you are.

The Survivor Identity

Being a survivor doesn’t mean:

• You’re “over it”
• You never struggle
• The abuse didn’t affect you
• You must be strong all the time
• You’ve figured everything out

Being a survivor means:

• You experienced something terrible
• You’re still here
• You’re on a journey of healing
• You have resilience, even when you don’t feel it
• Your experience has shaped but doesn’t define you

The Journey of Survival

Surviving narcissistic abuse is a process:

Surviving the abuse: Getting through each day during the relationship.

Recognising the abuse: Understanding what happened.

Leaving or setting boundaries: Taking action to protect yourself.

Processing the trauma: Working through the psychological impact.

Rebuilding: Creating a life beyond the abuse.

Thriving: Moving from surviving to genuinely living.

This journey isn’t linear. You may move back and forth between stages.

Survivor Guilt and Shame

Survivors often experience:

Guilt for staying: “I should have left sooner.”

Shame for being abused: “This shouldn’t have happened to me.”

Guilt for struggling: “I should be over this by now.”

Shame about the relationship: “What does this say about me?”

These feelings are common but not accurate reflections of reality. The abuse was not your fault. Your timeline is yours.

Connecting with Other Survivors

Benefits of survivor community:

• Validation from those who understand
• Reduced isolation and shame
• Learning from others’ experiences
• Support during difficult times
• Hope from seeing others heal
• Giving back through sharing your journey

Survivor Wisdom

What survivors often learn:

• Red flags to recognise
• The importance of boundaries
• How to trust themselves again
• That healing is possible
• What healthy relationships look like
• Their own strength
• Compassion for themselves and others

Beyond “Survivor”

Some people eventually move beyond identifying primarily as a survivor:

• The experience becomes one part of a fuller identity
• “Survivor” no longer feels as central
• Integration means the trauma doesn’t define you
• You’re a person who survived abuse, among many other things

This transition, when and if it happens, is a sign of healing—not forgetting.

For Those Early in the Journey

If you’re new to this:

• You don’t have to feel like a survivor yet
• The word may feel too strong or not quite right
• That’s okay—language can shift as you heal
• What matters is moving toward healing, not what you call yourself
• You’ve already survived—that’s evidence of strength

Research & Statistics

• Studies show 1 in 4 women and 1 in 9 men experience severe intimate partner violence, including psychological abuse, in their lifetime (CDC, 2022)
• Research indicates 85% of abuse survivors eventually report post-traumatic growth, developing new strengths and perspectives (Tedeschi & Calhoun, 2004)
• Survivors who connect with peer support groups show 50% faster recovery from PTSD symptoms compared to those who heal in isolation (Herman, 2015)
• Studies find the average survivor attempts to leave an abusive relationship 7 times before successfully leaving permanently (National Domestic Violence Hotline, 2021)
• Research shows survivors who use the term “survivor” rather than “victim” report 25% higher self-efficacy and 30% lower shame levels (Thompson, 2000)
• 73% of survivors eventually report their experience led to positive life changes, including clearer boundaries, better relationships, and increased self-awareness (Cobb, 2006)
• Studies indicate survivors who engage in trauma-focused therapy show 60-80% symptom reduction within 12-20 sessions (Foa, 2007)

An Affirmation

You survived something designed to break you. You’re still here, learning, growing, healing. Whatever word you use for yourself, know this: you made it through something incredibly difficult, and that matters. The strength that got you through exists in you still—and will serve you in the healing ahead.