APA Citation
Behary, W. (2013). Disarming the Narcissist: Surviving and Thriving with the Self-Absorbed. New Harbinger.
Summary
Wendy Behary provides practical guidance for people in relationships with narcissists, drawing on decades of clinical experience using Schema Therapy with narcissistic clients. Unlike many books that focus on escape or describe narcissists as monsters, Behary examines what the narcissist experiences internally during the idealize-devalue-discard cycle. She describes how narcissists genuinely believe their own performance during idealization, briefly experiencing the false self as real and hope that this new person will finally fill the emptiness. Devaluation begins when the partner's inevitable imperfection feels like betrayal, and the manipulation tactics serve unconscious defensive functions the narcissist doesn't recognize. This internal perspective helps partners and family members understand that they're dealing with psychological structure, not merely bad character.
Why This Matters for Survivors
For survivors trying to understand what happened, Behary provides crucial insight: the narcissist wasn't simply pretending during the good times. They genuinely experienced hope and excitement during idealization, making their subsequent cruelty even more confusing. Understanding that their behavior serves unconscious defensive functions—not conscious manipulation—can help survivors stop searching for rational explanations for irrational behavior, while also recognizing that understanding doesn't require acceptance or continued relationship.
What This Research Found
The narcissist’s subjective experience. Behary’s clinical work provides unusual access to what narcissists actually experience during relationship cycles. Unlike accounts that present narcissists as conscious manipulators executing calculated plans, Behary describes a more complex psychology: narcissists who genuinely believe their own performances, experience real (if shallow) emotions, and engage in manipulation without conscious awareness of what they’re doing. This internal perspective doesn’t excuse behavior but explains its persistence.
Idealization as genuine hope. During idealization, the narcissist experiences genuine excitement and hope—not merely strategic performance. They believe they’ve found someone who will finally provide the mirroring that fills their emptiness, that this time will be different. They believe their own presentation, briefly experiencing the false self as real. The partner isn’t being manipulated by someone who knows they’re lying; they’re being swept up in a genuinely experienced hope that cannot be sustained.
Devaluation as perceived betrayal. When devaluation begins, the narcissist experiences the partner’s inevitable imperfection as betrayal. They don’t recognize that no real person could meet their requirements; they experience the partner as having changed, deceived, or failed them. “I thought you were special” becomes genuine disappointment, not strategic repositioning. The rage of devaluation feels to the narcissist like justified response to betrayal, not abuse of an innocent partner.
Unconscious defensive functions. Manipulation tactics—gaslighting, triangulation, intermittent reinforcement—serve unconscious defensive functions the narcissist doesn’t recognize. They’re not thinking “I’ll confuse them to maintain control”; they’re defending against reality that threatens their psychological structure. Confrontation about manipulation fails because the narcissist genuinely doesn’t see what they’re doing; the manipulation is automatic, not calculated.
Why This Matters for Survivors
They weren’t entirely pretending. The most confusing aspect of narcissistic relationships is often the good times—were they real? Behary suggests they were, in a way: the narcissist genuinely experienced excitement and hope. This makes the subsequent cruelty more confusing but also more understandable. They weren’t consciously deceiving you about their feelings; they were experiencing shallow, unsustainable feelings that felt real to them in the moment. Understanding this can help resolve the cognitive dissonance of “was any of it real?”
You couldn’t have met their needs. The narcissist’s devaluation felt like your failure—if only you’d been better, more attentive, more perfect. Behary clarifies that devaluation was inevitable because their needs are unmeetable. No real person can provide sustained perfect mirroring. Their disappointment was guaranteed regardless of your efforts. Understanding this can release the impossible task of figuring out what you should have done differently.
Expecting insight is futile. If you’ve hoped the narcissist would eventually “see what they’re doing,” Behary explains why this is unlikely. Their manipulation is unconscious; confrontation feels like attack, not illumination. They can’t suddenly recognize patterns that their entire psychological structure is designed to avoid seeing. Adjusting expectations—stopping hope for epiphany—can redirect energy toward more productive paths.
Understanding supports whatever you choose. Whether you’re staying, leaving, or managing limited contact, understanding the narcissist’s internal world helps. If staying, it calibrates expectations. If leaving, it clarifies why leaving is necessary despite genuine good moments. If managing limited contact, it helps you not take behavior personally while maintaining protective boundaries.
Clinical Implications
Schema Therapy framework. Behary’s work applies Schema Therapy to understanding narcissism. Key schemas include: defectiveness (deep belief in fundamental unworthiness masked by grandiosity), emotional deprivation (unmet childhood needs that become insatiable adult demands), and entitlement (compensatory belief in specialness covering emptiness). Understanding these schemas can inform treatment for both narcissists and their partners.
Treating partners and family. Clinicians treating partners of narcissists benefit from understanding what the narcissist experiences. This helps partners: stop personalizing behavior; stop expecting rational response; stop hoping for sudden insight; and make informed decisions about the relationship. The internal perspective supports realistic expectations rather than false hope or demonization.
Treating narcissistic clients. For clinicians working with narcissistic clients, Behary’s approach offers pathway: accessing the vulnerable child mode beneath the grandiose self, building tolerance for shame and inadequacy, developing genuine empathy through experiential work. This requires long-term commitment and motivated client—both rare—but represents one of the more hopeful clinical approaches to narcissism.
Managing countertransference. Working with narcissists or their partners evokes strong reactions. Behary’s framework helps clinicians maintain therapeutic stance: understanding narcissists as psychologically wounded rather than merely “bad” supports empathy needed for treatment while maintaining clarity about harm their behavior causes. This balance—empathy without excusing—is challenging but necessary.
Family therapy applications. When narcissism affects family systems, Behary’s internal perspective helps family members understand what they’re dealing with. Adult children of narcissists can understand their parent’s limitations without expecting change. Partners can make informed decisions. Family therapy can work with realistic expectations rather than hoping for transformations unlikely to occur.
Broader Implications
Treatment Hope and Its Limits
Behary represents cautious optimism about treating narcissism—more hopeful than “narcissists never change” but realistic about rarity and difficulty of change. Schema Therapy has shown better results than some approaches, but even proponents acknowledge that treatment is long-term, requires motivated client, and often produces modest rather than dramatic improvement. This calibrated hope informs realistic expectations for all involved.
The Question of Responsibility
Understanding narcissism as psychological structure rather than conscious choice raises questions about responsibility. If manipulation is unconscious, if behavior serves defensive functions the person doesn’t recognize, how do we assign responsibility? Behary’s framework suggests: understanding the origin of behavior doesn’t eliminate responsibility for its effects. Unconscious motivation doesn’t equal innocence. People remain responsible for harm they cause regardless of its psychological function.
Partner Resources
Behary’s book fills a gap in resources for partners of narcissists. Much literature either demonizes narcissists (offering no tools for those who can’t or won’t leave) or pathologizes partners (blaming them for staying). Behary provides practical tools for various relationship configurations while neither excusing narcissistic behavior nor blaming partners for their involvement.
Empathy Across the Divide
The ability to understand narcissists’ internal experience without excusing their behavior models a valuable capacity: empathy that doesn’t require approval. Understanding what someone experiences doesn’t mean accepting what they do. This distinction is valuable in many contexts beyond narcissism, offering framework for engaging with difficult others without either demonization or capitulation.
Schema Therapy’s Contribution
Behary’s work demonstrates Schema Therapy’s contribution to treating personality disorders. By identifying deep patterns (schemas) established in childhood and using experiential techniques to address them, Schema Therapy offers framework that some narcissists can engage with—particularly accessing the vulnerable child mode that grandiosity protects. This represents genuine clinical advance in an area where traditional approaches often failed.
Limitations and Considerations
Not a cure. While offering understanding and tools, Behary’s approach doesn’t guarantee change in the narcissist. Most narcissists won’t engage in treatment; most who do won’t persist long enough for change; most who persist will achieve modest rather than dramatic improvement. The tools are for managing the situation, not fixing the narcissist.
Staying versus leaving. Behary provides tools for various choices but doesn’t strongly recommend leaving. Some critics argue this can enable abuse by suggesting it’s manageable. The appropriate use of these tools requires individual assessment of safety, severity, and costs—not all situations with narcissists are equally dangerous or equally survivable.
Unconscious motivation limits. The framework’s emphasis on unconscious motivation could be misused to excuse narcissistic behavior: “They don’t know what they’re doing.” Behary is clear that understanding doesn’t eliminate responsibility, but readers might miss this nuance.
Schema Therapy accessibility. Schema Therapy isn’t universally available. Clinicians trained in this specific approach to narcissism are concentrated in certain areas. The framework is valuable conceptually even when formal Schema Therapy isn’t accessible, but optimal treatment requires trained specialists.
How This Research Is Used in the Book
This research is cited in Chapter 17: The Hollowed Self to describe how the narcissist experiences the idealize-devalue-discard cycle:
“The four-stage cycle: idealisation, devaluation, sustained manipulation, discard—feels entirely different to them. During idealisation, the narcissist genuinely experiences excitement and hope. Perhaps this person will finally fill the emptiness. They believe their own performance, briefly experiencing the false self as real. When devaluation begins, they experience the partner’s inevitable imperfection as betrayal: ‘I thought you were special.’ The manipulation tactics—gaslighting, triangulation, intermittent reinforcement—serve unconscious functions the narcissist does not recognise. When relationships end, they never see their role in the pattern.”
The citation supports the book’s effort to understand narcissism from within, helping survivors make sense of behavior that seemed incomprehensible.
Historical Context
“Disarming the Narcissist” first appeared in 2008 and was significantly updated in 2013. It emerged from Behary’s decades of clinical work with narcissistic clients and their partners, applying Schema Therapy concepts developed by Jeffrey Young to the specific challenge of narcissistic personality.
Schema Therapy itself developed in the 1990s as a treatment for personality disorders resistant to traditional cognitive-behavioral therapy. Young recognized that personality patterns weren’t just dysfunctional thoughts but deep schemas established in childhood that required different intervention. His work with borderline personality disorder showed promising results; Behary extended the approach to narcissism.
The book appeared during a period of increasing public attention to narcissism, offering a middle path between demonization (treating narcissists as monsters beyond help or understanding) and normalization (treating narcissistic behavior as ordinary selfishness). Behary’s clinical experience provided grounded perspective that avoided both extremes.
Subsequent editions have incorporated developments in trauma understanding, attachment theory, and therapeutic technique. The book remains one of the most-recommended resources for partners of narcissists, valued for providing understanding that neither excuses narcissistic behavior nor abandons those caught in relationships with narcissists.
Further Reading
- Young, J.E., Klosko, J.S., & Weishaar, M.E. (2003). Schema Therapy: A Practitioner’s Guide. Guilford Press.
- Ronningstam, E. (2005). Identifying and Understanding the Narcissistic Personality. Oxford University Press.
- Payson, E.D. (2002). The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family. Julian Day Publications.
- McBride, K. (2008). Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers. Atria Books.
- Brown, N.W. (2008). Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up’s Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents. New Harbinger.
About the Author
Wendy T. Behary, LCSW is a clinical social worker, couples therapist, and Schema Therapy trainer who has specialized in treating narcissism for over three decades. She trained with Jeffrey Young, the founder of Schema Therapy, and is a founding fellow of the Academy of Cognitive Therapy.
Behary runs a private practice in New Jersey specializing in treating narcissistic personality disorder and partners of narcissists. She has trained therapists internationally in Schema Therapy approaches to narcissism and personality disorders.
Her work is distinctive for maintaining empathy for narcissists as psychologically wounded individuals while providing practical tools for those who must relate to them. She doesn't recommend staying with narcissists but offers strategies for those who choose to or must.
Historical Context
First published in 2008 and updated in 2013, "Disarming the Narcissist" appeared as Schema Therapy was gaining recognition as an effective approach for personality disorders. Unlike traditional approaches that offered little hope for treating narcissism, Schema Therapy provided a framework that some narcissists could engage with. Behary's book translated this clinical approach into guidance for non-clinicians dealing with narcissists in their personal lives, filling a gap between clinical literature and self-help.
Frequently Asked Questions
According to Behary, the narcissist genuinely experiences excitement and hope—not just performance. They believe they've found someone who will finally fill the emptiness, who will provide the mirroring they desperately need. They're not thinking 'I'll pretend to love this person to manipulate them'; they're thinking 'Maybe this person is the one who will make me feel whole.' The performance and the belief are simultaneous—they believe their own performance, briefly experiencing the false self as real.
Devaluation starts when the partner's inevitable imperfection becomes visible. No real person can sustain the idealized mirroring the narcissist needs. When the partner fails to be perfect—has their own needs, disagrees, or simply becomes familiar—the narcissist experiences this as betrayal. 'I thought you were special' becomes 'You're just like everyone else.' The narcissist doesn't recognize that they're projecting impossible expectations; they experience the partner as having changed or deceived them.
Usually not, according to Behary. Manipulation tactics like gaslighting, triangulation, and intermittent reinforcement serve unconscious defensive functions. The narcissist isn't thinking 'I'll gaslight them to confuse them'; they're defending against a reality that threatens their fragile self-structure. The manipulation is automatic, not calculated. This doesn't make it acceptable, but it explains why confronting narcissists about manipulation rarely produces acknowledgment—they genuinely don't see it.
Absolutely not. Understanding the unconscious nature of narcissistic behavior helps explain it, but explanation isn't excuse. Behavior that harms you is harmful regardless of intent. You don't have to stay with someone because their cruelty isn't consciously calculated. Understanding can help you stop expecting them to suddenly 'see what they're doing' while clarifying that you're entitled to protect yourself from harm regardless of its psychological origins.
Schema Therapy, developed by Jeffrey Young, integrates cognitive-behavioral, attachment, and psychodynamic approaches to treat personality disorders. It identifies 'schemas'—deep patterns developed in childhood—that drive adult dysfunction, and uses experiential techniques to address these patterns. For narcissism, key schemas include defectiveness, emotional deprivation, and entitlement. Schema Therapy has shown better results with narcissism than many traditional approaches, though treatment remains challenging.
Behary, like most clinicians specializing in narcissism, offers cautious possibility rather than false hope. Some narcissists can develop greater capacity for empathy and connection through intensive, long-term therapy—but only if they're motivated, which most aren't. The motivation usually requires significant consequences (divorce, job loss, alienation) that make their current patterns untenable. Change is possible but rare, slow, and requires the narcissist to tolerate painful self-examination they've spent lifetimes avoiding.
Because they can't learn from experience the way others do. Learning from relationship failure requires acknowledging your role in it. For narcissists, this acknowledgment would trigger unbearable shame. Instead, they locate the problem entirely in the partner: 'She changed,' 'He wasn't who I thought,' 'They couldn't handle someone like me.' Each relationship failure confirms their narrative that partners are the problem, reinforcing rather than interrupting the pattern.
Understanding helps in several ways: it stops you from taking their behavior personally (it's not about you), from expecting rational responses to rational conversation (their system doesn't work that way), and from hoping they'll suddenly understand what they're doing (they can't). Understanding also supports whatever relationship approach you choose—whether staying, leaving, or managing limited contact—by providing realistic expectations about what you're dealing with.