APA Citation
Freedman, G., Powell, D., Le, B., & Williams, K. (2019). Ghosting and destiny: Implicit theories of relationships predict beliefs about ghosting. *Journal of Social and Personal Relationships*, 36(3), 905-924. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407517748791
Summary
This study examines how people's beliefs about relationships—whether they see them as destined or requiring growth—predict their attitudes toward "ghosting" (suddenly cutting off all communication). Researchers found that people who believe relationships are either "meant to be" or not are more accepting of ghosting behavior. The study reveals how implicit relationship theories justify sudden abandonment and provides insight into why some individuals feel entitled to disappear without explanation, particularly relevant to understanding narcissistic relationship patterns.
Why This Matters for Survivors
If you've been ghosted by a narcissistic partner, this research validates that the sudden disappearance wasn't your fault—it reflects their fundamental beliefs about relationships. Understanding that narcissists often view relationships as disposable rather than worth repairing helps survivors recognize ghosting as an abuse tactic, not a reflection of their worth or the relationship's value.
What This Research Establishes
People with “destiny beliefs” about relationships are more likely to ghost and more accepting of being ghosted. The study found that individuals who view relationships as either “meant to be” or doomed from the start justify sudden disappearance more easily than those who believe relationships require growth and effort.
Ghosting is predicted by fundamental beliefs about relationship controllability. Those who see relationships as uncontrollable fate are more likely to abandon partners without explanation, while those who believe in relationship growth through communication are less likely to ghost.
Implicit relationship theories serve as psychological justification for abandonment. The research demonstrates that people use their beliefs about destiny to rationalize harmful behaviors like ghosting, essentially saying “it wasn’t meant to be” to avoid accountability.
Gender and attachment styles interact with ghosting attitudes. The study revealed that certain personality factors combined with destiny beliefs create higher likelihood of both perpetrating and accepting ghosting behavior in romantic relationships.
Why This Matters for Survivors
This research provides crucial validation for survivors who have been suddenly abandoned by narcissistic partners. When someone ghosts you, it’s not because you weren’t good enough or because the relationship lacked potential—it’s because the ghoster holds fundamental beliefs that relationships are disposable rather than worth fighting for.
Understanding that narcissists often operate from destiny beliefs helps explain their all-or-nothing thinking patterns. They don’t see temporary conflicts as normal relationship challenges to work through; instead, they interpret any difficulty as evidence the relationship was “never meant to be,” justifying their sudden disappearance.
The research also illuminates why seeking closure from someone who ghosted you is often futile. If they genuinely believe relationships are governed by destiny rather than choice and effort, they won’t see their abandonment as requiring explanation or repair—they’ll view it as inevitable.
Most importantly, this study helps survivors recognize ghosting as a reflection of the ghoster’s limited relationship capacity, not a verdict on their worth. People who truly value relationships don’t disappear when things get complicated; they communicate and work toward resolution.
Clinical Implications
Therapists working with clients who have been ghosted should assess for trauma symptoms similar to those seen in other forms of abandonment and ostracism. The research confirms that ghosting activates fundamental human needs for belonging and meaning, making it particularly destabilizing for survivors of narcissistic relationships.
Treatment approaches should address the cognitive distortions that survivors often develop after being ghosted, particularly self-blame and rumination. Understanding the ghoster’s implicit relationship theories can help clients recognize that the abandonment wasn’t about their inadequacy but about incompatible relationship philosophies.
Clinicians should help clients identify their own relationship beliefs and examine whether they’ve internalized destiny thinking as a protective mechanism. Some survivors develop destiny beliefs after being ghosted as a way to avoid future vulnerability, but this can limit their capacity for healthy relationships.
Therapeutic work should also focus on rebuilding trust in gradual, controlled ways. Clients need to experience relationships where conflicts are addressed through communication rather than abandonment, helping them develop growth-oriented relationship beliefs based on positive experiences.
How This Research Is Used in the Book
This study provides scientific backing for understanding why narcissists often end relationships through sudden disappearance rather than direct communication. The research on implicit relationship theories helps explain the cognitive frameworks that make ghosting feel justified to those who perpetrate it.
“When Maya’s partner disappeared without explanation after their first real argument, she spent months wondering what she had done wrong. Understanding Freedman’s research on destiny beliefs helped her recognize that his ghosting reflected his fundamental inability to see relationships as worth repairing. People who truly value connection don’t vanish when faced with conflict—they lean in and work toward understanding. His disappearance was never a verdict on her worth; it was evidence of his limited capacity for mature love.”
Historical Context
Published in 2019 as digital dating culture normalized sudden relationship endings, this study provided academic legitimacy to what survivors were increasingly experiencing. The research emerged during a period when ghosting was often dismissed as a minor dating inconvenience rather than recognized as a form of emotional harm with lasting psychological impacts.
Further Reading
• Williams, K. D. (2007). Ostracism. Annual Review of Psychology, 58, 425-452. • Baumeister, R. F., & Leary, M. R. (1995). The need to belong: Desire for interpersonal attachments as a fundamental human motivation. Psychological Bulletin, 117(3), 497-529. • LeFebvre, L. E. (2017). Ghosting in emerging adults’ romantic relationships: The digital dissolution disappearance strategy. Imagination, Cognition and Personality, 37(2), 195-218.
About the Author
Gili Freedman is a social psychologist at St. Mary's College of Maryland who specializes in interpersonal relationships, ostracism, and social rejection. Her research focuses on understanding why people exclude others and the psychological impact of being excluded.
Kipling D. Williams is a distinguished professor at Purdue University and a leading expert on ostracism and social exclusion. He developed the temporal need-threat model of ostracism and has extensively studied the psychological effects of being ignored or excluded by others.
Historical Context
Published during the rise of digital dating culture, this 2019 study was among the first to examine ghosting through the lens of implicit relationship theories, providing academic validation for what survivors were increasingly experiencing in narcissistic relationships.
Frequently Asked Questions
Research shows that people who view relationships as destined rather than requiring work are more likely to ghost. Narcissists often hold these destiny beliefs, seeing partners as disposable when relationships require effort or accountability.
Yes, ghosting can be a form of emotional abuse, particularly when used as punishment or control. The sudden withdrawal of communication creates psychological distress and mirrors other forms of ostracism used in abusive relationships.
Recognize that being ghosted reflects the ghoster's inability to handle conflict maturely, not your worth. Focus on healing from the abandonment trauma rather than seeking closure from someone who has demonstrated they cannot provide it.
Being ghosted activates the same pain centers in the brain as physical injury. It can lead to rumination, decreased self-esteem, and difficulty trusting future partners, especially when it's part of a pattern of narcissistic abuse.
Research suggests that people with destiny beliefs about relationships feel less guilty about ghosting because they view the relationship as 'not meant to be.' This is particularly common in individuals with narcissistic traits.
While both involve withdrawal of communication, ghosting typically ends relationships permanently, whereas the silent treatment is often used cyclically within ongoing relationships as a control and punishment tactic.
Yes, therapy can help process the abandonment trauma, rebuild self-worth, and develop healthier relationship expectations. Trauma-informed approaches are particularly effective for survivors of narcissistic relationships.
Warning signs include avoidance of relationship discussions, inconsistent communication patterns, inability to handle conflict, and expressions of destiny beliefs about relationships ('if it's meant to be, it will be').