"The narcissist rarely works alone. They recruit armies of flying monkeys—people who, knowingly or unknowingly, do their bidding, carry their messages, and apply pressure where the narcissist cannot reach."— From Chapter 11: The Neurological Contagion, The Extended Web
The Narcissist’s Extended Network
In the Wizard of Oz, the Wicked Witch sends her flying monkeys to do her bidding—capturing Dorothy, terrorizing the countryside, and extending her reach beyond what she could accomplish alone.
Narcissists operate similarly. They recruit flying monkeys—people who act on their behalf, sometimes knowingly, sometimes unwittingly. Understanding this dynamic is crucial for protecting yourself.
What Flying Monkeys Do
Flying monkeys serve various functions for the narcissist:
Information Gathering
They report back on what you’re doing, saying, and who you’re seeing. They’re spies, often disguised as concerned friends or family members.
Message Delivery
When you’ve blocked the narcissist, flying monkeys deliver messages: “They really miss you,” “They’ve changed,” or “You should give them another chance.”
Pressure Application
They pressure you to reconcile, forgive, or give the narcissist what they want. “Can’t you just keep the peace?” “Why are you being so difficult?”
Smear Campaign Amplification
They spread the narcissist’s version of events, damaging your reputation and relationships. “Did you hear what they said about [you]?”
Gaslighting by Proxy
They support the narcissist’s version of reality: “That didn’t happen,” “You’re overreacting,” “They would never do that.”
Triangulation
The narcissist uses them to make you jealous, insecure, or competitive. “Well, [person] thinks I’m wonderful.”
Types of Flying Monkeys
The Innocent Bystander
They genuinely don’t know they’re being manipulated. They believe the narcissist’s version of events and think they’re helping. They may be good people with incomplete information.
The Loyal Soldier
They’re fully aware of what they’re doing and do it willingly out of loyalty to the narcissist, enjoyment of drama, or their own narcissistic traits.
The Fearful Follower
They know something’s wrong but participate because they fear becoming the narcissist’s target. Self-preservation drives their complicity.
The Benefit Seeker
They stay in the narcissist’s good graces because they get something out of it—social status, financial benefit, or the narcissist’s favorable treatment.
The Family System Member
In families with a narcissist, other members often become flying monkeys to maintain family homeostasis. Challenging the narcissist threatens the whole system.
How Narcissists Recruit Flying Monkeys
Playing Victim
“I don’t know what I did wrong. They just cut me off for no reason. I’m so hurt.” This garners sympathy and support while painting you as the unreasonable one.
Sharing Selective Truth
The narcissist tells a version of events that’s technically true but missing crucial context. They share your mistakes while omitting their abuse.
Triangulation
They pit people against each other. “I really trust you—I can’t believe what [target] said about you.” Now the flying monkey has a personal grievance.
Future Faking
They promise future rewards for current loyalty. The flying monkey thinks they’re investing in a relationship that will pay off.
Implied Threats
They make it clear, subtly or directly, that those who don’t support them become targets. Self-preservation kicks in.
Dealing with Flying Monkeys
Recognize Them for What They Are
Whether innocent or intentional, flying monkeys are functioning as extensions of the narcissist. Their good intentions don’t change their role.
Don’t JADE
Don’t Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain yourself to flying monkeys. They’ve already been given a narrative, and your explanations will likely be used against you.
Limit Information
Anything you tell a flying monkey may reach the narcissist. Keep your plans, feelings, and personal information private around them.
Set Boundaries
“I’m not going to discuss [narcissist] with you.” “I’ve made my decision and it’s not up for debate.” Be clear and firm.
Don’t Try to Convince Them
You probably can’t change their minds through argument. They need to see the truth for themselves, if they ever do. Focus on protecting yourself rather than converting them.
Consider the Relationship
For innocent bystanders, you might set boundaries while maintaining the relationship. For active, knowing participants, you may need to limit or end contact entirely.
Document
Keep records of flying monkey contact, especially if there’s harassment or the narcissist might use them in legal matters.
Flying Monkeys and No Contact
When you go no contact with a narcissist, flying monkeys often intensify their efforts:
- They deliver the narcissist’s messages
- They report on you
- They pressure you to “be reasonable”
- They try to guilt you into breaking no contact
Going no contact may require limiting contact with flying monkeys too. They’re potential bridges back to the narcissist and sources of continued manipulation.
When Flying Monkeys Wake Up
Sometimes flying monkeys eventually see the truth, often when:
- They become the narcissist’s target
- They witness undeniable evidence of manipulation
- They hear consistent contradictions in the narcissist’s stories
- You’ve maintained your position long enough for patterns to emerge
When this happens, they may reach out apologetically. How you respond is up to you—forgiveness is yours to give or withhold based on what serves your healing.
Protecting Your Peace
Flying monkeys extend the narcissist’s power, but that power isn’t unlimited. By setting boundaries, controlling information, and refusing to engage in debates, you limit what they can accomplish.
Remember: Flying monkeys are the narcissist’s problem to manage and your boundary to maintain. Your job isn’t to convince them or win them over—it’s to protect yourself and continue healing regardless of what they do.
Frequently Asked Questions
Flying monkeys (from The Wizard of Oz) are people the narcissist recruits to act on their behalf. They spread gossip, spy, relay messages, pressure victims, or defend the narcissist. Some know they're being manipulated; many genuinely believe they're helping. They extend the narcissist's reach when direct contact is blocked.
People become flying monkeys because: they believe the narcissist's version of events (especially smear campaigns), they want to stay in the narcissist's good graces, they have narcissistic traits themselves, they're genuinely well-meaning but manipulated, they enjoy drama and gossip, or they're afraid of the narcissist targeting them if they don't comply.
Narcissists recruit flying monkeys by: playing victim and seeking sympathy, sharing a biased version of events that makes the target look bad, triangulating (using one person against another), offering rewards for loyalty, or implying consequences for not helping. Many flying monkeys don't realize they're being used.
Set firm boundaries and don't engage with them about the narcissist. Don't JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain). Limit information they could relay back. Recognize that trying to convince them is usually futile—they've been fed a narrative. Focus on protecting yourself rather than changing their minds. Consider limiting or ending contact with persistent flying monkeys.
Some flying monkeys eventually see through the narcissist's manipulation, especially if they become targets themselves. However, many remain loyal because they've invested in the narcissist's narrative or fear repercussions. You can't control whether they see the truth—focus on your own protection and healing regardless of their choices.
Enablers generally support the narcissist passively by minimizing abuse, making excuses, or looking the other way. Flying monkeys actively participate by carrying out tasks for the narcissist—spreading rumors, pressuring victims, spying, or relaying messages. Some people are both.
