"Hoovering is not a sign of love or genuine remorse—it's a sign that the narcissist's other supply sources have dried up. You're not being chosen; you're being recycled."— From Chapter 19: Protecting Yourself, The Return
The Vacuum Effect
You’ve finally left—or been discarded by—a narcissist. Maybe weeks pass, maybe months. You’re beginning to heal. And then… they’re back. With apologies, declarations of love, promises to change. Or with emergencies, guilt trips, or even threats.
This is hoovering, and understanding it is crucial for maintaining your freedom.
What Is Hoovering?
Named after the Hoover vacuum cleaner, hoovering describes the narcissist’s attempts to “suck” you back into the relationship. It’s a predictable part of the narcissistic abuse cycle.
After discard (or after you leave), the narcissist often returns—not because they genuinely want you back, but because they need supply, want to prove they can still control you, or can’t tolerate the narcissistic injury of being left.
Why Narcissists Hoover
Understanding the “why” helps you resist:
Supply Needs
You’re a known source of narcissistic supply. When other sources dry up, the narcissist returns to what’s familiar and proven.
Control
Narcissists need to feel they can get anyone they want. Your independence threatens this self-image. Hoovering is about proving they still have power over you.
Narcissistic Injury
If you left them, it wounds their ego. Getting you back heals that wound and restores their sense of superiority.
Boredom
New supply requires effort. Old supply knows the rules. Sometimes hoovering is simply the path of least resistance.
Possession
Many narcissists view former partners as property they can return to at will. They may genuinely believe you “belong” to them.
Common Hoovering Tactics
The Romantic Return
Professions of love, missing you desperately, realizing you were “the one.” Often accompanied by love bombing 2.0—flowers, gifts, grand gestures.
The Changed Person
“I’ve been going to therapy.” “I finally understand what I did wrong.” “I’m different now.” They seem to be exactly what you always wanted.
The Apology Tour
Apparently sincere acknowledgment of their wrongs, detailed apologies, taking responsibility. This can be particularly hard to resist because it’s what you’ve always wanted to hear.
The Emergency
A crisis that “requires” your help—health scare, financial emergency, family problems. Sometimes real, sometimes fabricated, always designed to pull you in.
The Shared Connection
Using children, mutual friends, shared property, or business connections as excuses for contact that inevitably becomes personal.
The Pity Play
“I’m doing so badly without you.” “I can’t eat, can’t sleep.” “You’re the only one who understands me.” Appeals to your caretaking instincts.
Flying Monkeys
When direct contact fails, they send others—mutual friends, family members—to carry messages or gather information.
The “Accidental” Encounter
Showing up where they know you’ll be, making it seem coincidental. “Fancy seeing you here!”
The Threat
When softer tactics fail, some narcissists resort to threats—threatening to harm themselves, expose your secrets, make legal trouble, or turn others against you.
Why Hoovering Works
Hoovering is often devastatingly effective because:
Trauma bonds are powerful. Your brain is wired to respond to them after the relationship.
The “good” version appears. Hoovering often brings back the charming, loving person you fell for originally.
It’s what you wanted. The apologies, acknowledgment, and promises are exactly what you begged for during the relationship.
Your memory is selective. Trauma and time can soften memories of the abuse while magnifying the good times.
They know your buttons. They studied you. They know exactly what to say.
How to Resist Hoovering
Maintain No Contact
The best response to hoovering is no response. Any engagement—even rejection—tells them they can still reach you.
Block Everything
Block phone numbers, social media, email. Make it as difficult as possible for them to reach you.
Don’t Respond to Emergencies
Real emergencies have other solutions that don’t involve you. If you engage, you teach them that emergencies get results.
Tell Others
Let trusted people know you’re no contact. They can help you resist and won’t unknowingly facilitate contact.
Remember Why You Left
When hoovering triggers longing, actively remind yourself of the abuse. Reread old journals. Look at evidence you saved.
Give It Time
The urge to respond diminishes with time. Wait out the intense feelings—they will pass.
Get Support
Call a friend, your therapist, or a support line when hoovering triggers you. You don’t have to resist alone.
The Predictable Pattern
If you succumb to hoovering, here’s what typically happens:
- Brief honeymoon - The charming version is back, seemingly validating your decision to re-engage
- Return to baseline - Gradually, the same patterns emerge
- Often worse - The narcissist may punish you for having left, making the abuse more severe
- Another discard - Or you leave again, now having wasted more time and with a weakened position
The cycle repeats until you break it permanently.
Hoovering Is Not Love
The intensity of hoovering can feel like evidence of love—surely they wouldn’t try so hard if they didn’t really care?
But hoovering is about supply, control, and ego. Someone who truly loved you wouldn’t have abused you in the first place. The hoovering that feels like passion is actually possession.
Your future self is counting on you to resist. The temporary pain of no contact is nothing compared to the cost of returning to abuse.
Frequently Asked Questions
Hoovering (named after the Hoover vacuum) is when a narcissist tries to 'suck' you back into a relationship after you've left or been discarded. It includes apologies, promises to change, professions of love, guilt trips, or even threats—anything to re-establish contact and control. It's a manipulation tactic, not genuine reconciliation.
Narcissists hoover because: they need narcissistic supply and you're a known source, their other supply ran dry, they want to prove they can still control you, they can't tolerate being left (narcissistic injury), they're bored, or they genuinely believe you belong to them. It's rarely about genuine love or remorse.
Common tactics include: apologizing and promising to change, declaring love and that they've 'realized' what they lost, creating emergencies requiring your help, sending gifts or letters, using flying monkeys to reach you, showing up unexpectedly, pretending to have changed through therapy, threatening self-harm, using children or shared connections as excuses, and even harassment if softer tactics fail.
The best response is no response. Any engagement—even rejection—gives the narcissist what they want: your attention and evidence they still affect you. Maintain strict no contact. Block all channels. Don't explain or justify. Don't fall for emergencies. If you must respond (legal/custody issues), keep it brief, factual, and emotionless.
No. Hoovering is about supply, control, and ego—not love. A person who truly loved you wouldn't have abused you. The apparent intensity of hoovering can feel like love, especially to a trauma-bonded brain, but it's manipulation. If they were capable of genuine love and remorse, they would have shown it during the relationship.
There's no set timeline. Hoovering can happen days, weeks, months, or even years after the relationship ends. It often coincides with: their other relationships failing, significant dates (birthdays, anniversaries), seeing you happy, or any narcissistic injury that makes them want to prove they can still get you back.
